“I’m so?—”
“I’m not looking for an apology because I’m pretty sure you meant that shit. I want you to listen.” She nodded. “I’m gon’ fuck up, and so are you, because neither of us is perfect. If I’d said the same shit to you, I know damn well we wouldn’t be here right now because you would’ve sent my ass packing. After you ghosted me, I thought we were on the same page, moving in the same direction, but that’s not possible if you’re waiting for me to fuck up.”
“Can I talk now?”
“Nah. I’m not done.”
“There’s only been one other woman I’ve given my heart to so freely, and she mishandled my shit like a muthafucka. Would you want me to hold her actions against you?” I shook my head. “Then give me the same respect. I can’t change the negative experiences you’ve had with other niggas, but you need to separate me from them. Are we clear?”
“Yes, Rowdy. We’re clear. Can I talk now?”
“You got it, but don’t apologize if you meant what you said.”
“But . . . I am sorry. I’m sorry I expressed my feelings of uncertainty about our relationship in such a callous way. Icould’ve communicated my feelings better, and I didn’t mean to piss you off or hurt your feelings. I was wrong, and I don’t know what else to say.”
“If that’s your truth, nothing else needs to be said.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
He chuckled. “Breaking up with you? That sounds juvenile as hell. No, I’m not breaking up with you, but I need to know we want the same shit from this.”
“What do you want?” I asked, curious.
“Nah. You were praying for my downfall, so you tell me what you want.”
“I wasn’t praying for your downfall. I was being cautious with my feelings.”
“Is that why you make me stay at home a few nights a week?”
“Huh?” I played dumb, knowing damn well I knew what he was talking about.
“We’ll be going strong for days at a time, and suddenly, you’ll hit me with, ‘You can stay home tonight. I’m going to bed early.’”
“What does that have to do with anything? I have a demanding job and sometimes I’m tired.”
“We both have demanding jobs, but my levels of exhaustion don’t take away from me wanting to lay up under your ass. I get the best sleep when you’re next to me. Be honest. You push me away whenever you feel yourself falling.”
“Falling? What are you talking about?”
“Falling in love with me.”
“Tuh.” I looked away from him because he would see the truth in my eyes. “It’s only been a few months.”
“Look at me, Noe. Look at me and tell me you’re not falling in love with me.”
“I just met you. There’s no?—”
“You gon’ piss me off and hurt my feelings twice in one day, baby?”
“Rowdy, I?—”
“Are you trying to tell me I’m in this alone?”
“What do you mean?”
“I guess I gotta say it, so you know it’s real. Time waits for no one, and neither does love. I knew you were special from the moment we met. The pull you had on me wasn’t something I was used to, but I chose not to fight it. When you ghosted me, I had to talk myself out of forcing myself into your space. Years ago, I vowed never to give another woman my heart, not knowing you would come along and snatch it right out of my chest, and I wouldn’t put up a fight. I’m in love with you, Noelani.”
A man had never spoken so freely to me about his feelings for me, and the fact that Rowdy had done so, and with ease, had me in tears. He cupped my face, wiping my tears with his thumbs as they fell.
