MADI HAD MANAGED to convince a reluctant Kendra to go to her morning classes on the pretense that Madi would sleep the entire time she was gone. She’d tried to close her eyes and give in to the pull, but the thoughts kept churning in her head. She wondered what excuse she would give her parents as to why Jake wasn’t coming to Thanksgiving dinner, assuming they hadn’t seen the pictures of him online. Madi felt the bile rising in her throat. She hadn’t eaten anything in twenty-four hours. There couldn’t possibly be anything left.
She’d decided to skip both her classes for the day. She’d never missed a class before. Even in her sophomore year when she had the flu, she went to class. He’d really done a number on her. She knew she needed to pull herself together somehow, but the thought of her life without him sent her spiraling into a black hole of depression.
Her entire body ached, including every strand of hair. Since it was obvious she wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon, Madi figured a shower might at least help the physical pain. She grabbed her supplies and slowly opened her door, praying Rob wouldn’t try to speak to her. He didn’t say a word, although she could tell he wanted to.
Madi heard Kendra arguing with him around noon, but covered her ears to avoid hearing Jake’s name. Madi had let her phone battery die out so she wouldn’t have to think about Jake trying to call her anymore. By now, he should have just given up. He and Allison must have had a good laugh over how pathetic she was.
Kendra brought her some soup and coffee, and she managed a few sips of both. She spent the day either yelling or crying. By 4:00 p.m. she’d finally cried herself to sleep.
When Kendra shook her arm at eleven the next morning, Madi rolled over and smiled as the lull from sleep stripped her of her memory. Within seconds, her smile faded as her reality came crashing down around her. The tightness in her chest returned as her head pounded with what could only be described as a crying hangover. Kendra rubbed her back gently.
“Hey, Mads, how’d you sleep?”
Madi took a deep breath and tried to steady herself enough to act like she was tougher than she really was. Kendra had spent the night and must have slept on the floor, judging by the pillows and blankets in the corner.
“Good. I don’t think I dreamt. So, yeah, good.”
“I didn’t know if I should wake you for class or not. I didn’t want to let you sleep through and have you pissed off when you woke up.”
Madi shifted and planted her feet on the floor. “No. I need to go to class. It’s all I have now.”
“Hey, you have me!” Kendra said as she smiled warmly.
“I know. Thank you for staying with me. I don’t know what I’d do if you stopped loving me too.” Madi took several quick breaths as the tears came again. She was an emotional train wreck.
“Don’t say things like that! I’ll be your sister ‘till the day I die. You and I will be playing Scrabble and eating Ho Hos in our nursing home together. I’ll push your IV, and you’ll remind me what my name is when I forget.”
Madi huffed out a small laugh before she sobbed uncontrollably, bent at the waist, covering her eyes with her hands.
Kendra sat next to her, and Madi rested her head on her lap as Kendra stroked her hair. “Hey, don’t cry! I promise not to eat all the Ho Hos, and you know I suck at Scrabble. Unless I get an F and can spell words like fuck, or fucking, or fucker.”
Madi’s shoulders lifted as she laughed. “Ugh… Why can’t I stop crying?” She stood and threw her pillow against the door.
“That’s good! Mad is better than sad. Get mad, Madi!”
Madi turned as her body flailed before she slumped against the door and slid to the floor. “Besides the fact that he lied and cheated on me, do you know why I’m so upset and why I absolutely loathe myself right now?” She tugged on her hair in frustration before pressing her palms to her head. “I hate myself because, as much as I want to hate him, I still love him. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do. We made plans. I pictured my future with him. Now I don’t see one. I see nothing but a loser who’s still clinging to the memory of a man she thought she knew. I hate myself for still loving him. For still hoping when there’s no hope. For hoping that somehow, someway, it’s all a big mistake. That he really did love me. Even if it was just for a moment.”
“Mads, don’t do this to yourself.”
“You just don’t get it!” Madi bellowed through her sobs as her shoulders quaked and her chin trembled.
“I don’t get it?” Kendra screeched as she shook her head and furrowed her brows. “Do you want to know why I’m a broken whore who sleeps with men without ever feeling anything for them? Because I’ve been where you are. I’ve been in a heap on the floor, thinking my life was over because of a man. They aren’t worth it, Madi. They aren’t! Every man I’ve ever known is a lying, cheating bastard, including my father. It’s why I don’t get close. It’s why I don’t care. Caring leads to love, and love only leads to heartache.”
Madi stared at Kendra for a moment as she reached for her. Kendra slid down against the door and Madi took her hand, eyeing her expectantly.
Kendra sighed. “His name was Joe. I know it’s hard to imagine, but once upon a time, I was a goody two shoes. Kinda like you.”
Madi gently squeezed in response.
“I’d never even kissed anyone before him. He was a jock and I was an insecure little rich girl who didn’t fit in. He was older and gave me the attention I never got at home. I was in high school and he was in college. I only ever met him at his dorm. You’d think that might have been my first clue. I thought the world revolved around him. If he moved, I moved. If he said jump, I fucking bounced. People say that when you’re young, you don’t understand love. That it isn’t real. But it is real. It doesn’t matter how old you are. It’s like you’re programmed to give your heart away. At least, that’s how it was for me. I felt it in my core. I loved him more than I loved myself. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him, and he knew it. He taught me all about sex. Did things to me I’d never even known could be done. I thought we were in love. It wasn’t until he stomped on my heart that I realized that love’s just not worth the price.
“What happened?” Madi asked as she angled to face Kendra.
Kendra sighed and took a deep breath. “I didn’t know he had a twin. Apparently, they thought it would be a fun game if they took turns fucking me. For months. People at school knew. His friends knew. But I didn’t know until I overheard them fighting when I showed up early to his dorm one night. Apparently they couldn’t decide whose turn it was.”
Madi gasped. “Oh my God! I’m so sorry.”
Kendra shrugged her shoulders, but Madi could see the pain was still there, just beneath her shell of armor. “It’s why I just don’t care anymore. But you, Madi, you’re different. You’re the kind of girl that is destined for romance. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a man who can see everything you are. I’ve never had a friend like you. You accept me. You get me. You love me even when I talk with my mouth full of food. You give without asking. You gave to him and he took. He never deserved you, but I know there’s a man out there somewhere who will never take you for granted. You’re just the kinda girl that gets the happily ever after.”
