“And to you.” She’d reached the edge of the shelf, and she put a hand to it before curtsying.
He bowed low, and then when he looked up, she was gone. Breathing out, he turned back to the shelves to try to distract himself, but there was nothing else there he was interested in. Leaving the shop, he heard the little tinkle of the bell as he pushed open the door, and then he put a hand to his hat to keep it on his head.
The day was sunny, but the wind was whipping about, and more than one lady was holding tightly to her bonnet as people crossed the street. While seeing Jane had lightened his spirits, after she was gone, he felt low again.
The doctor had come to visit him that morning to discuss his father’s condition. He’d said, “I did not wish to say this to your mother, my lord, but I’m afraid that there is nothing we can do but wait. Your father’s condition has not been changed by medicine or rest, it seems. Not like I hoped. So often, it is patients who must decide if they even wish to get better.”
That had put him in a sour mood, and so he’d hurried off to the bookshop to try to get away for a little while. And then, Jane. But seeing her too had reminded him of just what a dangerous line he was walking. He desired her, wanted her greatly, and he liked her too. He wanted to see more of her.
His mother thought of that as an easy solution to a difficult problem, but he did not. It felt duplicitous to marry someone for their wealth but also engage the feelings as well. He had to remain impassive, for how else could he do what he needed to do if he did not?
Instead, I nearly kissed her in a bookshop, where all eyes were upon us.
He shook his head, chastising himself before he nearly hurried into the way of two ladies coming out of the perfume shop.
“Do forgive me, ladies,” he said, taking off his hat and smiling. But then his heart fell when he saw who was standing before him.
“Well, Lord Balwood, isn’t this the special pleasure,” the woman said, and Nathaniel found he couldn’t speak.
It was none other than the woman he thought he’d loved two years before, Lady Delilah Stanhope.
Chapter 17
“All right, I’m ready.” Margaret took her packaged books into her arms and followed Jane out onto the street. “At first, you were hasty to get here, and now you’re hasty to leave. Why?”
“Nathaniel was in there. I mean Lord Balwood.”
Margaret beamed. “Nathaniel, is it? How…intimate. Well, so what if he was in there? Isn’t that good?”
“Yes, but—” Jane groaned, pausing on the side of the street and turning to Margaret. “I wish you could help me conduct myself properly. I find I cannot speak when I’m around him, and I get flushed and nervous. I hate it so. I wanted to treat this experience with logical action. That is the way of an astronomer, and yet whenever he’s near, I am completely unable to grasp any logic!”
She covered her face with her hands and groaned again, making Margaret laugh. “There, there, it is all well! It is very normal for you to feel thusly. That means he interests you, and that is a good thing. I told you to hold out for love, and there is the chance of it now. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“But love…” she paused, knowing it maybe sounded bitter or ridiculous, but it was the reason she hesitated. “Love confuses me.”
“Well,” Margaret said, rifling through a few of her packages. “You could read one of my novels, and that might help explain things a bit more.”
“I am in earnest!” Jane cried with a little smile.
“Father and Mother loved each other so dearly, and while I understood his grief at her death, I did not understand the way he behaved. It was as if she had kept him together all these years and made him a better person, and that without her, he just couldn’t survive. I would hate for myself to turn into someone like that and then treat my children or anyone else around me so poorly as he did if I lost the person I loved.”
Margaret paused and shifted her packages to her other arm. “Just as you are not your mother, Jane, you are not your father either. It does not happen to everyone. He made a choice, and his choice was to remain forever in his grief instead of acknowledging and remembering that he still had you in his life.
That is not your doing, and it is not the fault of love either. Everyone says that love makes the loss worth it in the end, because you had a special time with someone you cared for deeply.”
“I suppose,” Jane said, turning away and starting to walk again. “I should think of it that way. But it's not just that. I also fear that he may distract me so entirely from what I want and the plans I had. So many plans.” Her sketchbook had begun to be filled with pictures of the ocean and ships sailing across placid waters towards unknown shores.
She had such hopes, and she didn’t wish for anyone to distract her so much from them that she never got the chance to achieve them.
“But you said that he too enjoys travel. Or at least his grandfather taught him to enjoy stars and maps. That is a rare thing indeed, especially as a gentleman in his position. With his status, he could sit around all day drinking and eating, and not lift a finger. But instead, he has enjoyed studying. He has kept his mind sharp. Surely that is a very good thing.”
Jane blushed. “I think that I've told you far too much about Nathaniel than I should have done. He did not expect me, surely, to tell someone else all that he has told me.”
“What I think you didn't tell me is when you've begun using his Christian name, and he yours?” Margaret winked, making Jane blush even more.
“Oh, it began when he took me to the opera. It was easier that way.”
“Easier,” Margaret repeated with a lifted brow. “I see.”
