Once he realized he was angry at himself, it took another two days to figure out why. Was he really upset that he had taken his eyes off Owen for one second? Was that such an unforgivable crime? Or was he upset that he had trusted someone else to watch his son, that he’d ignored the advice he’d given himself over the years and actually trusted another person? But that didn’t seem right either. Plenty of parents hired babysitters, took their kids to daycare, and sent their kids to school. There was no crime in trusting another person for an hour or two, and he’d only done it for a minute.
No, he hadn’t been angry that he looked away for a second, and he hadn’t been angry that he trusted someone else for a minute. What he was angry with himself over was the fact that he’d fallen in love with someone else. Since the death of his wife, he’d convinced himself that he would never love someone that way again. There was one person for everyone, Cal thought, and he had convinced himself he’d found his one and only in Owen’s mother. When she was gone, he knew that would be it. He’d never find anyone like her again, so he would never love anyone like her again.
What he hadn’t accounted for was the fact that he would fall in love in a completely different way with a completely different woman. It felt like he was cheating at life somehow, like he’d found a loophole and exploited it, like his wife was looking down on him, shaking her head. But that wasn’t like her really, and he knew it. It was still only him, judging himself for no good reason, feeling ashamed for no good reason. Throwing away what could have been a life-changing relationship over a guilt that wasn’t even valid. Because Cal’s first wife would have wanted her son to have a good mother, even after she was gone. She wouldn’t have wanted the boy to live alone in the mountains the way he was. And she wouldn’t have wanted Cal to stop living his life.
Cal sat on his front porch before Owen was awake and watched the trees appear to glow in the light of the rising sun. It was beautiful here, but it was too quiet. He hadn’t noticed until April had stopped visiting… until he had stopped inviting her to visit.
A small hand on his shoulder startled him out of his thoughts. “Dad?”
He turned to see Owen standing behind him, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Good morning, chief,” he said. “Are you ready for breakfast?”
Owen nodded, and Cal stood to follow him inside.
“Pancakes this morning?” Cal asked.
Again, Owen nodded. He’d been less vocal over the last couple days, and it worried Cal.
“Are you feeling a little sick?” Cal asked.
Owen shook his head. Then, as Cal began mixing pancake batter and pouring circles onto the cast-iron griddle, Owen said the words Cal was dreading but expecting, deep down. “When is April going to visit? Doesn’t she like us anymore?”
Cal’s heart sank because he realized that Owen’s apparent sickness was really depression. Owen was grieving the loss of his friend, the woman he’d chosen for his new mother. And he didn’t understand why she was lost. “It’s my fault she isn’t visiting,” Cal admitted. “I haven’t invited her.”
“But why?” The boy was miserable, and Cal’s heart broke at the sight of it.
“Because I got scared again.” Right now, more than anything, Cal understood the importance of honesty. He flipped the pancakes and sighed.
Owen’s voice fell so far when he said, “That’s OK,” that Cal knew it was the opposite of OK. As soon as the pancakes were finished, Cal put the butter and syrup on the table with a glass of orange juice for his son. Then he sat across from him and watched the poor kid try to eat while clearly feeling like the world was sinking with him still in it. Eating while depressed was always something Cal struggled to do. So, Owen came by it honestly.
All Cal wanted to do was fix it. He wanted to fix everything for himself and his son. It would be humiliating, he knew—all of it—but he would swallow his pride and do what needed to be done. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry with Nurse April,” he said. “I was so scared that you had disappeared, and I was angry with myself. Sometimes, when we’re really, really angry, we don’t know where to put it. So, we put it in the wrong place, on the wrong person. I should not have gotten angry with her.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I love her. The truth is, falling in love is a scary thing to do. You’ll learn that when you get older. But it’s also the best feeling in the world. And you should have a mother, too.”
Owen lifted his head and looked up with hope in his eyes. That was a great start. “Really?”
“I messed up,” Cal admitted. “And then I got scared to admit I messed up. What if I tell her I’m sorry, but she still doesn’t want to visit anymore?”
“Tell me first,” Owen said. “You have to practice before you ride the big rides.”
Cal couldn’t help smiling at that. April had taught his son some truly valuable lessons that the boy would hopefully take with him as he grew up. “You’re right, Owen. I messed up with you, too, and I want to do better, and I’m so sorry.”
“I forgive you,” Owen said in the most magnanimous voice he could manage through a mouthful of pancakes. Cal chose not to correct him this time. “Nurse April will forgive you, too. I know.”
“Do you?” Cal said with a laugh.
Owen nodded. “Yes. She’s nice, and she likes us.”
“I hope you’re right,” Cal said. “But remember that she’s allowed to reject us. And if she does, I will get you a whole banana split, and I won’t even make you give me a bite. Deal?”
“OK,” Owen said. “Can we go today?”
Cal’s first instinct was to try to delay. But then he asked himself why that was his instinct, and he realized he was only giving in to fear again. “Yes. We’ll go talk to her today.”
“Yay!” Owen leapt up in his chair and poked the air with his fork.
“Finish your breakfast, chief. It’s going to be a long day.”
Owen immediately sat back down and stuffed more pancake into his mouth. His appetite seemed to have fully returned, and Cal was glad he’d accurately diagnosed the problem. It felt good to have a plan to make things right. Even if it didn’t work out in his favor, Cal decided, he was going to try. That was all anyone could really do in life anyway, wasn’t it? Try. Be brave, as Owen would say. Do everything you can and accept whatever comes your way.
Cal’s stomachwas in knots, but he pushed on despite his anxiety. This was the right thing to do. He knew that, and Owen’s excitement confirmed it every few minutes. “Are we there yet?” he would ask, which made Cal chuckle.
