I stalk closer until I can see over her shoulders. It looks like I’m not the only one who’s bursting at the seams, waiting for tonight. Her leg is bouncing and she’s alternating between crossing one over the other every thirty seconds. I walk away, plopping into the back row before my hard dick becomes a spectacle. My sweet Cat. Every word that falls from her pouty little lips is a prayer, and tonight I finally get to answer.
Chapter Nineteen
Catarina
When I shift in my seat, the fabric of my pants pulls against the rough material from the pews that clearly need to be replaced. I feel the steady burn of eyes on me. I don’t have to look to know who they belong to, but I can’t stop myself from turning.
Slowly, I turn my head to glance over my shoulder, finding him in the back row. His arms are crossed and his eyes are watching me. I squeeze my thighs together trying to stifle the heat that’s growing, but I’m not sure why I expected that to work. It never does. Of course it works its way up to my chest before crawling up my throat and ending once it spreads through both cheeks.
Zed doesn’t move. He isn’t smiling. He isn’t even acknowledging what looking at him does to me. But his eyes are saying enough as they rake slowly over me, as if he’s copying every detail of me to his memory.
I swallow hard, turning back around and pressing my clammy hands into my lap. I feel naked all of a sudden. Not justbecause I know he’s still staring but by my own body betraying me. I wonder if anyone around me can hear my heartbeat.
Focus on your breathing.
In.
Out.
Suddenly, Fenris’ voice rings through, trailing to the pulpit. “I have a few announcements before we start.” The murmurs suddenly still as everyone gives him their full attention.
“Brady is taking his next step with god. For being such a faithful servant, he’s been selected to go out into the field and help with our missionary outreach.” My body goes stiff, and I shift my eyes, glancing around, making sure not to move my head. Missionary work? That’s such a pathetic cover.
“Also.” I watch his eyes sweep over the congregation before locking on mine. “Melinda has been called by god to fulfill women’s mission work in a nearby town, tending to those who have succumbed to the Devil’s temptations.” My stomach swirls, knowing that something is definitely off about this. I try to turn my head again, instinctively seeking Zed through my peripheral—needing to see his reaction. But when my eyes reach where he was sitting, he’s gone.
My neck stiffens as I feel the worry trying to take over, but surprisingly, I’m able to shove it down. Stay calm. He told me to meet him tonight. That’s what matters. The rest of the sermon drags on, but I barely hear it. Service finally ends and Zed isn’t anywhere to be seen, so I just make my way back to my room. When the door closes behind me, I lean against the wall, my mind drifting to tonight.
What will he do to me? I haven’t known him for very long, but what I do know is that Zed is unpredictable. Controlled, but reckless. I know he held back. Beneath his surface, there’s something dark that will consume me. And I also know that I want to be swallowed by whatever that is. I push away from thewall and walk to the small mirror above my dresser to see my reflection staring back at me. My cheeks are still tinged with the blush I couldn’t control earlier, and I feel the white heat beneath my skin when I press my fingertips to my face.
An uninvited memory rises to my surface. The only time I ever attempted to tell someone what turned me on. “That’s not normal.” They pulled away from me in disgust. Then tried to call me back once I grabbed my bag and told them to fuck a wall or suck their own dick—whichever got them off faster—as I was walking out.
I don’t even think it’s about the pain. I just want to feel it, to lose myself. For everything else to shut up for a few minutes. But Zed is different. He sees me not just in passing or like the men here, and everywhere else, that look at me thinking I won’t notice. No. He watches me like he wants me to give myself over to him. Like he’s capable of pushing me past where I think I can go, only to bring me back again.
I don’t know exactly what tonight will bring. But I do know that I want whatever it is.
Chapter Twenty
Zedediah
Iraise my eyebrows when I hear the announcement of Melinda’s sudden mission work. Right. I’m sure that’s why she was leaving, not because of what I walked into earlier. I push off the pew and walk out without sparing Fenris another glance. He’s not dumb enough to say anything, at least not right now.
Jonah would give me so much shit if he saw how Cat had my mind in shambles. But now I understand what he felt for Lucy and why he did what he did. I’d do the same if I couldn’t ever look into Catarina’s pretty green eyes again.
The leaves are making loud crunching noises beneath my boots as I walk to the graveyard. The sun’s beginning to set, and the deep golden light shines through the tree branches, lighting up my path just enough to see a lone daffodil growing. I watch the bugs scurry from the disturbed dirt as I bend over and pluck it just before reaching the shed sitting at the corner of the shoddy, gated graveyard.
It was always the star of the show. It’s always been our place. Where the three of us would meet and experience each other.Where Jonah first told me he loved Lucy. Where I realized my love for her too, but not in the way I—my mind stops. I love Catarina.
I’ve never said that to anyone. But I do. I love her. Everything about her. They would’ve loved her. I wonder about the dynamic us four could’ve had. Lucy would’ve adored Cat, that much I know.
It’s quiet out here, the kind of quiet that makes you feel like the trees are listening to you. I make my way over to sit by Lu’s tombstone, feeling the cool, wet soil seep through my jeans.
Sera Lucille, 19
I run my fingers over each cold, engraved letter, cleaning out the dirt from each one. My throat starts to close when I look at the small cross beside her. Fenris wouldn’t allow him a tombstone.“Why would I waste money on a tombstone for someone who didn’t even cherish his own life? Why should I?”
I used a branch from Pete’s Tree to make it—the tree Jonah and I used to climb when we were growing up. I needed for them to be together, even if it was only in spirit. I chuckle. He would’ve hated that it’s a cross, which is exactly why it’s a cross. I was hoping some signal would be sent out and his soul would be so angry that he’d come back.
With him would come all of the answers to the questions I wasn’t able to ask. Although, there is one question that’s been answered. The why. I wouldn’t go on living without Cat. I couldn’t. I used to be so angry with him. I would come out here and scream, not giving a damn if anyone heard. You could’ve told me. There’s not a me without you both, either. I can’t help but question the what if. One simple decision could’ve altered my here and now; maybe I wouldn’t have met Cat and she wouldbe left here alone. I look at my plot, a bare tombstone I added. I wanted to make sure I had one in case anything happened to me and Jonah came back.
