‘You are in no position to be making demands right now, Maddy.’ He runs his hand back up my body, coming in for a kiss.
It’s a peck. Barely there, rubbing more salt in the wound and bringing him far too much joy as he pulls away. He looks down fondly at my disgruntled face, brushing a stray hair from my forehead.
‘Have I ever told you how cute you look when you’re mad? It’s adorable.’ His finger traces the same endless circle around my nipple, unbearably light to the touch. ‘See, that face– that face you’re pulling right now– all scrunched-up and stressed? Very hot.’
He moves his fingers the second I open my mouth, turning what would have been a perfectly biting response into an uncontrollable moan. There’s no point in fighting; he’s got me right in the palm of his hand and he knows it just as much as I do.
He scoops me up into his arms the second we’re done and we lie there in silence, sweaty and tangled in each other. I want to say I could get used to this, but I don’t think that could possibly be true. This isn’t something you acclimatise to, this is not something that will ever stop being earth-shatteringly delicious.
I hug his arm closer to my chest as he follows suit and squeezes me tight. It’s different to before. Not as soft or carefree. He’s holding me like he’s scared I’ll escape if he doesn’t.
‘What are you thinking about?’ I ask, tracing patterns on his skin.
‘Huh?’ he asks, breaking out of his daze.
His tone’s sleepy, slower and feigning an air of confusion, but I don’t buy it. I roll over, parting from his hold to come face to face with his features, shining even through the darkness.
‘Tell me.’
The command is soft enough to not push him too far but firm enough for him to know I won’t give up. And he knows. It’s clear by the worried gulp that follows as he casts his eyes away from my face.
‘It’s all good.’ He lies terribly.
‘Aiden.’
‘Maddy,’ he says, eyes glinting in the dark as they return to meet mine.
The worry in them is enough to make my heart still, setting off alarm bells in my head. I look away. I try not to, but I can’t help myself. Something doesn’t feel right. He doesn’t feel right.
‘Look, if you’ve changed your mind. . . If you regret this at all, I’m cool with that. It was probably stupid anyway. I mean, I know who we are and I know that we’re different and. . .’
The words slow as they battle with the lump forming in my throat. I can’t look him in the eye, or the face, or anything for that matter. I stare down at the mattress in between us, the gap bigger from the space I seem to have created.
‘Maddison. That’s not it at all. I was thinking about you, and. . .this, yes, but not like that. I just. . .’ He pauses. ‘I know that you don’t want to, but I think we should talk about May Madness.’
My heart sinks further, this time for a different reason. A stronger reason. The kind of reason that I can’t bear to relive.
‘No,’ I whisper.
‘Maddison, we need to at least—’
‘It happened; you apologised back at the pub; I think we’ve done all we need to do. . .’
He grabs my arms with his hands, steadying what I thought were my well-hidden shakes. I can tell by the look on his face they weren’t hidden well, or at all. Before I can stop it, the moment plays, cut for cut, in my head. As vivid as the treacherous day that it happened.
I was understandably shocked when he walked into the cramped kitchen of whatever house that day’s party was in, having not seen him since school. I watched him stroll across the room, his preoccupied, pinched expression dissolving into something else entirely the second he saw me. In my evolved, newfound confidence I struck up conversation and found we actually had a lot to talk about. We got into heated debate over the bestNew Girlcharacter and exchanged notes on how uni compared to sixth form. We ended up standing in the corner talking each other’s ears off for most of the night. In fact, there were several moments where anyone watching might have mistaken us for old friends. That was, until Lucy showed up.
I smiled at her, thinking she would come and join us, but her mouth snapped closed the second I did, eyes looking over me from head to toe. I can still feel the breath I held as her eyeballs took in every pore and every bump. She let no curl go unturned, making sure to hover scathingly at the fat on my noticeably bare lower thighs. In the seven months we’d been neighbours, I’d never seen her like this. She hadn’t looked at me like that since we were at school.
‘I can’t believe she is still following you around!’ Her lip curled with each word, delight ripe across her features. ‘God, Maddison, you were always such a piece of work. Drove Aiden here up the walls– he could never stop going on about how irritating you were.’
I looked to him for back up– confirmation that she was wrong. He bowed his head, silent for the first time all night.
‘What do you think, Aiden? Does she seem any different?’ she asked, her voice loud enough to capture the attention of everyone within earshot. ‘I mean. . . She dresses different. I wouldn’t say better, butdifferent.’
The comment set off a chain of sniggers behind her as people listening whispered callously to each other. Suddenly the playsuit the FGA had hyped up earlier over FaceTime felt stupid and ugly and so obviously not me. I folded my arms across my chest, shrinking into the lack of material and praying that I could be literally anywhere else. I tried not to show fear. Even then, I knew that was the worst thing I could do. Plus, my flatmates were watching, and I was barely cool enough for them as it was. The last thing I needed was to crumble in front of a campus It Girl. But before I could stop it, the alcohol soured in my stomach and bile rose up in my throat. I couldn’t help it– I spun around and instantly threw up into the sink behind me.
‘Luce, we should go,’ Aiden whispered, tugging at her arm as I retched.
