Jul is the kind of girl I wish I could have been at uni– optimistic and friendly, and down for a night out. I feel like I spent my three years focusing on deadlines and societies and upping my CV. I made friends for necessity and I went out to fulfil social contracts, but I was never that girl who just had a good time. The one time I tried, it ended so disastrously that I never dared to try again. Jul’s bright eyes cause a pool of regret to rise in the pit of my stomach. She’s having the time of her life, as she very much should, before the world inevitably swallows her up.
‘You can borrow something of mine!’ she offers happily.
‘I’ll see how I feel,’ I say in the end.
It’s more than enough for her. She skips away gleefully.
Alone again, Anton leads me to their kitchen, boiling the kettle before I even have to ask. He ruffles through the cluttered cupboards, eventually striking gold with a polka-dot pastel mug and crumpled box of Earl Grey tea.
‘I don’t have teabags. . . Or a mug. But the girls do and they won’t mind if I borrow one for you,’ he says. ‘I don’t have milk either, but Jul drinks this pea milk stuff. She says it’s good, so. . .’
He haphazardly splashes in a glug from the carton. Then he ushers me back to their living room, proudly presenting me with the worst-looking cup of tea I’ve seen in my life.
‘Thank you,’ I say, faking a welcome sip.
‘No worries, let’s sit. What’s wrong with you?’
He asks it before I’ve even sat down, his face firm and assured that he will get an answer.
‘Sorry?’ I ask, scrunching my face right back at him.
‘You heard me, what’s wrong with you? Is Dad sick?’
‘What? No! Why would Dad be sick?’
‘Why would you just up and leave London to come here? Is it Mum?’
‘Everyone’s fine.’
‘Then what’s wrong with you?’ he asks for the third time.
He’s annoyingly stubborn, even more so than me. I blame my mother for giving us both her most irritating trait. But the last week has shown me I need to overcome it, and now is as good a place as any to start. His mouth stretches into a satisfied smile as I sigh and place my mug on the table.
‘Everything’s a mess,’ I say, watching the swirls appearing on the surface of the tea.
‘What’s everything? What’s a mess?’ he asks carefully.
I shut my eyes to the world for a moment, exhaling deeply and with it, blowing away the dark cloud masking my issues. I can’t bear to look him in the eye; it’s too hard.
‘Too much to count.’
I’m supposed to be the adult when it comes to us– the one that’s supposed to helphim. Now here I am, washed up on the shore of his student accommodation, running from my problems and having to admit that I’ve fucked up my life.
‘I’m stuck in this rut. I can’t get a pay rise to save my life, but the world keeps getting more expensive. And Raina’s getting married! And Kimi’s on track for partner despite being way below the average age, and Devi just bought a house, and I am so happy for them all, but I can’t help but feel like I’m the only one struggling.’ I gasp for breath, choking on a stray tear. ‘I can’t talk about it with them, or anyone, because I just sound bitter. I want them all to do great, of course, but is it wrong to wish that I was up there with them?’
He gently nudges a roll of kitchen towel my way. I tear a piece off and dab at my face furiously.
‘And I finally get the opportunity to maybe prove that doing the right thing for years wasn’t just for nothing, and I hinged it all on a stupid bet that I don’t even know if I can win, or even want to win. And now Aiden. . .’
I can’t finish. The words won’t come. Aiden’s makeshift toast in the greenhouse comes rushing back to me.
God. . . You make me so bad with words.
My mouth is dry from the salt from my tears. I take a large gulp of tea, forcing myself to focus on something other than the painful throb in my chest.
‘Aiden from school,’ Anton says. ‘What is this bet?’
I rip another piece of kitchen roll off, dragging the coarse paper under my eyes.
