It’s why we’re here. I have to remember that’s why we’re here.
He hesitates before he answers, studying my frame closely.
‘Yeah, I do. Guess we just. . . got distracted.’ He sighs.
‘Exactly. But that’s over and now we can focus.’
He nods firmly and my stomach sinks at his confirmation. But we both know it’s for the best; we are at our best apart from each other, and this little blip back together is just that, a blip. His friends and my friends would all agree.
I rise from the bed, holding the duvet around me as I make my way towards the bathroom to drum in the point. His eyes follow me as I go. I can feel it, but I know that it’s not the same. This isn’t a look of desire– it’s a look of goodbye.
My chest tightens.
‘So, I’ll meet you downstairs when I’m dressed?’
One more word and my voice would have broken.
‘I’ll start on the tidying.’ He nods.
And then he turns the doorknob and wanders out into the hallway, leaving my room and my heart emptier than it has been the entire weekend.
Nudge 32
The Passport Holder
‘You’re an idiot,’ Devi snaps at me, less than thirty minutes after I’ve rolled through my door.
I made the mistake of sharing my eye-wateringly expensive taxi’s ETA with them when I left Evie’s house. The girls showed up at my door before I’d even unpacked my bag, and they wasted no time with their interrogation. We went through it all, with gasps and cheers at the highs and an uncharacteristic silence at the inevitable lows. That was, of course, until Devi worked up the courage to say what the other nodding pair were apparently thinking. . . That my reaction was possibly just a teensy, little, tiny bit unfair to Aiden.
‘You didn’t see the messages in all their gross boy-chat glory,’ I say. ‘They were just a reminder that he will never get over who I was in school. And I am and will always be that girl.’
‘Are you?’ Raina asks sceptically.
‘He still calls me Maddy, for God’s sake.’ I collapse on my bed beside Raina.
My stomach flips on itself when I think of the breathy way he said my name in bed. Followed quickly by another wash of sadness as I remember the worry he injected into just three syllables when he saw me after his shower.
‘Honestly, Mads, you’ve been a whole lot different lately.’ Kimi gets comfortable at the foot of my bed. ‘A few months ago, would you have even considered jumping into bed with a guy on aworktrip?’
I lie. ‘Maybe.’
But it’s no use. I’m hit with a wave of synchronised screeching laughter.
‘That’s not the point,’ I say. ‘The point is that to him and his friends, I will always be Moany Maddy.’
‘And he’ll always be our Primary School Prick,’ Kimi says. ‘Doesn’t mean we won’t like him if he makes you that happy.’
Raina and Devi make sounds of agreement, and I close my eyes trying to block it all out.
‘The happiness was a lie,’ I say.
‘Babes, I can’t lie, I still don’t get how you’ve reached this conclusion. . .’ Kimi’s face is scrunched tightly into a firm, puckered ball. It’s her trying face. Her ‘I will not judge you, but I really, really want to’ face.
‘I read their group chat.’ I enunciate each word slowly.
‘And you saw how many messages from him?’ Raina asks.
‘I was reading previews on his lock screen. I wouldn’t have seen messages from him anyway.’
