“Of course. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Are you sure you want to be alone?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Just been a long day. It’s always a lot.”
I lean in to give her a squeeze. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I give Josh a quick hug, then head for the door.
At home, I get ready for bed, brush my teeth and put on pajama shorts and a tank top. I respond to all the text messages I’ve received from Sam, my Aunt Margaret, Carla, and a few other friends that managed to remember the date and what it means to Ellie and me.
I will sleep to come but my exhausted body is no match for my racing mind. Holy shit, I’m pregnant. How crazy is that? I smile. Then I think of Cole, and telling him about the baby. It makes me excited and anxious at the same time. An hour goes by and my sheets are a jumbled mess. I can’t sleep. Maybe I should have stayed at Ellie’s. My phone sits silent on my bedside table. It’s nearly midnight now. After putting on a sweatshirt and flip flops, I grab my purse and head out the door. Sam’s still up, she told me to come over. And Ellie texted me three times to make sure I am okay. She’s right, I really don’t want to be alone tonight. I’m driving on autopilot, my body taking over for my overloaded mind. I park and walk up to the building. I still have the key card in my purse so I use it to get in the main door and then into the elevator. When the elevator opens, I hesitate to get out, but finally I move my feet. They smack all the way down the hallway in my flipflops. I knock and wait. It’s excruciating. My thoughts are still running wild. It’s late, I shouldn’t have come. What am I going to say? Sam and Ellie are great for talking and listening and giving hugs, but I need more. I want more. If today has made me realize anything, it’s that I don’t want to stay in the same place I have been for the last nine years. Paralyzed by the fear of loving someone and having them taken away.
There’s no answer. I’m feeling vulnerable now and my body’s reaction is to sweat. Only a lump in my throat that’s threatening to break down the wall that I’ve built. The wall that I’ve been laying for nine years, keeping me protected from caring about anyone else that could be yanked out of my life in an instant. I slowly back away from the door, and finally turn toward the elevator, back to where I came from.
“Brooke?” I hear his deep voice behind me, husky, and laced with sleep. I turn around to find Cole there shirtless with gray pajama bottoms on. His dark hair is mussed, he even makes bed head look good. He’s Cole at his sexiest. The one my body can’t get enough of. But it’s not my body that reacts to seeing him now. That’s there, of course, because I don’t think that is ever going to go away, but it’s my chest that tightens, my heart that squeezes at the sight of him. He’s my person, the one that despite my defenses, managed to crack my hard exterior and steal my heart.
And now more than ever, after seeing that positive test, the worry that I fucked it all up, that Cole could be done with me, is beyond heartbreaking. But I owe it to him to be honest and put myself out there, knowing that he could walk away.
Cole rubs his eyes again, trying to clear what was obviously a peaceful sleep until I started banging on his door.
“I’m sorry. I…” I shake my head. I don’t even know where to begin. As usual, I didn’t think about what I was going to say.
“Brooke. It’s late.” I can hear the wariness in his voice, and it kills me.
“I know. It’s just…” My voice cracks as I search for the words to tell him. “I wanted to tell you…” I take in a ragged breath.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Cole’s eyes are so gentle, concerned, that I can’t hold up the pretense that I’m okay. The tears that I’ve been fighting back finally start to fall.
A second later Cole’s arms are around me. His sleep-warm skin encircles me as he pulls me in close. His arms wrap around my back, my head presses into his chest, and I just lose it. I don’t cry often, but when I do, it’s not pretty. Red puffy eyes, salty tear streaks down my face, and snot, lots of snot.
On this day, when I’m missing my parents the most and thinking back on their life, our life as a family, I realize that for the first time I’ve found a man I want to build a future with. Cole’s the one I want to be with. He’s my person. I love him, and it absolutely terrifies me.
38
Cole
My thumb brushes her cheek, then I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. I never want to see Brooke in pain, but I do want to be the person there for her when she’s hurting.
Brooke smiles through her tear-stained cheeks. She’s so fucking beautiful.
“The worst part for me was just the fact that we were older, in college, out of the house. I mean it would have been horrible if we were little kids losing our parents, but there’s something about having a last moment before someone’s gone. It was the weirdest feeling, not knowing what they did that day, what they had eaten for breakfast, where they were going, and then they were just gone.”
I don’t comment. I don’t think she needs me to. She keeps talking.
“At Ellie’s wedding, I walked down the aisle with her. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.” Brooke blinks and another tear falls. “It felt like she was leaving me, too, that day. I know it’s silly. I love Josh like a brother and they’re perfect together, but it was a sad day for me. Seeing her be so open to something I couldn’t even imagine having. I think that’s when it really set in that we ultimately give love to those that can hurt us the most. It’s ironic. Why would you give someone that power? It’s scary.”
She inhales deeply, her breath shaky on the exhale. “You know?”
Fuck yeah, I know. I’m staring at the most vibrant, beautiful woman, she’s everything I want and the fact that I don’t know if she could ever feel the way about me that I feel about her scares the shit out of me. I know now isn’t the time to tell her. She came to me tonight because she needed someone to listen. There’s so much I want to tell her, but not tonight. The last thing I want to do is scare her off, again. I’ve learned that I need to be careful with her, and now that she’s letting me in, I don’t want to risk her pulling back.
Her hand lifts to my chest, her fingertips flex, and her palm spreads over my skin. Her roaming fingertips lightly trace my collarbone. My eyes are fixed on her. Her eyes are focused on where she’s gently stroking me.
I had no intention of touching her. I’m content to hold her. Listen to her. Watch over her until she falls asleep.
But, when her eyes lift to mine and she asks, “Will you touch me?” I know that I’ll give her anything she wants. “I need to feel your skin on mine.”
My lips gently brush hers, tasting the saltiness from her tears as well as the sweetness that is all Brooke before I roll her onto her back.
