“Brooke, you’re not going to be my surrogate.”
“What? Because of Cole? I don’t think—”
She cuts me off.
“I’m pregnant.”
I nearly fall off the couch. Surely, I didn’t hear that right. “How?”
She shakes her head and smiles. “I don’t know. We were all set to do the egg retrieval. I hadn’t been feeling great, but I just chalked it up to the hormones. But when we went in for the procedure, they were unable to do it because I was already pregnant.”
“Holy shit,” is all I can say. Then I hug her tight. “This is incredible news.”
I can feel years’ worth of emotion and stress being released from Ellie’s body as she clings to me. It’s emotional for me, too. I want her to be happy. That was the reason I offered to be her and Josh’s surrogate. I’ve watched them struggle for so long and now Ellie is pregnant. I’m amazed at how my heart manages to simultaneously break and feel love in the same day. When we pull back, we’re both crying.
“We couldn’t have done it without you.” Ellie wipes at her tears.
“What are you talking about? All I did was take hormones and act like a weirdo.”
“Brooke, you offering to be our surrogate was the most amazing gift. It let Josh and me relax, have fun with each other again, and not be so stressed about the process. You took that burden from us, even for a short while, and I just know that’s how this pregnancy happened.”
“You’re giving me too much credit. Were you able to have fun on your trip, or did you feel sick the whole time?”
“Even if I don’t look like it,” she laughs, “I did relax by the pool quite a bit. We couldn’t do the hot springs because of the water temperature. Josh hiked on his own when I wasn’t feeling like it and we had some nice dinners out even though food that I would normally enjoy sounded awful. And I couldn’t have any wine at the winery or get a massage. So, there’s that.” She smiles ruefully and I can’t help but let out a small laugh.
“How ironic that Josh planned a trip with activities that you can’t do while pregnant, thinking there wouldn’t be any chance of you being pregnant after all this time.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I just didn’t know what to expect. It’s still early times, but I feel like shit, so it’s encouraging that the hormones are doing their job. That’s why I was at the clinic. I was doing a blood test to check my hormone levels, to make sure they’re still on their way up, as expected.”
“And that’s when Cole saw you.” My heart does that squeezing thing again when I think about Cole. How he’s been so patient with me, and I’ve been so careless with him. I’m a complete idiot.
Ellie nods. Her eyes are hopeful. “But you can fix it, right? The surrogacy isn’t an issue now.”
I sigh. “I don’t think it was ever an issue. At least not for Cole. He was shocked, rightly so, but he didn’t care. He still wanted to be with me.”
And I was using the surrogacy as a reason to not be with him. Just like he said. To keep him at a safe distance. Like all the other guys before. But, really, I knew it was different with him from the beginning. That’s what kept me running. Then, when I thought it would just be temporary, I gave myself permission to keep seeing him, never thinking about the consequences of developing real feelings for him.
Now, I don’t know what to do. Not telling Cole about my plan to be Ellie and Josh’s surrogate was the reason for our fight, even though those plans have changed doesn’t mean Cole will want me now. I hurt him. There’s still the issue of me running and pushing him away whenever I feel overwhelmed.
Even though Ellie is the one who really needs to rest, she covers me with a blanket, and I lay my head down in her lap. The feeling of her fingers combing through my hair is soothing. I offer to make her tea or lemon water, but Ellie just shakes her head.
“Ellie?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re going to be an amazing mom.”
36
Brooke
“I’m finished downstairs. Do you need any help up here?”
I turn to find Jake standing in the doorway watching me as I arrange a set of four art prints on the floor, trying to remember what order I wanted to position them on the wall.
Jake’s in his usual white t-shirt and worn jeans, hard muscles and sexy smile on full display. He looks exactly the same as he did the first day we worked together, but I can’t even get excited. I’m tired, and there’s nothing I want to do on this bed unless it’s crawl under the covers and take a nap.
With Ellie’s pregnancy and the embryo implantation put off indefinitely, I stopped taking the oral progesterone, and although Dr. Yang told me my body might take a month or two to regulate its hormone levels, I just feel off lately. The last ten days I’ve been a zombie. Going through the motions of my job, then falling into my bed with a cup of noodles every night. I know this isn’t normal.
