He shakes his head. “No, not because of you. I was hesitant because I didn’t want her to get her hopes up. I just want to protect her, you know? She’s everything to me and I can’t stand to see her hurting.”
“I know,” I say softly. Ellie’s everything to me, too. That’s why I want to help them.
“And I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing in this scenario. Guys don’t get to experience pregnancy, but at least they get to be supportive and beside their partner for the journey. I always imagined giving Ellie foot rubs while she sat on the couch eating the ice cream that I went out in a snow storm to get.”
“That’s just amateur. You should have already had the ice cream on hand.”
We both laugh, then.
“I have no idea what this will look like either, but I want both you and Ellie to be a part of the journey.”
Josh nods, “If you need anything, I want you to know that we are here for you and you shouldn’t hesitate to ask. And, if you aren’t sure you want to go through with the surrogacy, we will understand. I want you to be sure.”
“Okay.”
Josh nods thoughtfully, then peeks through the kitchen window, keeping an eye on Ellie in the back yard watering her small planter’s box garden.
“I’m planning on surprising Ellie with a trip to Glenwood Springs next month. I’ve got a cozy bed and breakfast booked and massages already scheduled. I figured it would be a relaxing trip, soaking in the hot springs and doing some wine tasting, something to take her mind off everything.” He glances out the window again, then, “I was hoping you would help by packing her a bag so I can make it a total surprise.”
I smile, but there’s an unexpected twist in my belly. It makes me pause and I can feel my face fall as I identify the feeling. It’s the feeling I get when I see families out to dinner together, a mom and her daughter shopping in a store, an older couple touring a townhome I’ve staged.
I’ve been around Ellie and Josh long enough that I’m used to their affection and the sweet things they do for each other, but something about Josh’s protective nature regarding the surrogacy coupled with his thoughtful planning of a trip for Ellie is making me feel strange. It’s making me think about what it could be like to have someone to lean on and make plans with. My mind involuntarily draws up an image of Cole and my brow furrows at the unwanted thought.
Josh must read my face as disapproval.
“Do you think it’s a bad idea?”
“Oh, no,” I shake my head and smile reassuringly, “she would love that.” And I mean it. Ellie will be overjoyed. And she deserves it after all they’ve been through the past few years and especially in the last month with coming to terms with the thought that she can’t get pregnant. I’m happy that Ellie has Josh to love and support her.
I want all those things for Ellie, but there’s a small part of me that is starting to wonder if I might want those things, too.
20
Brooke
My hand shakes as I attempt to apply eye liner. I have a doctor’s appointment later this morning where I’ll find out if I’m ready to schedule the embryo implantation. After my conversation with Josh last night, I’m feeling a bit anxious. He wants me to be one hundred percent sure about being their surrogate. I get it. The last thing I want to do is disappoint either of them. But who can ever be that sure of something? I’m usually leaning strongly in one direction and then just go with it and hope for the best. But, I couldn’t exactly tell Josh that.
That’s only half my issue. Honestly, I’m more apprehensive about running into Cole again. After two failed attempts to keep my hand steady, I toss the eye liner back in my bag and reach for my mascara.
It’s been two weeks since Cole fingered me in his office. I’ve managed to avoid the fertility clinic, having Ellie pick up the oral hormone prescription I’ve started taking as part of the process to get my body ready for the embryo implantation. I can’t speak for my uterus, but my body is ready for something, and that something would be SEX. The hormones are making me horny. So horny. I actually humped my pillow last night and came in two minutes flat. That satisfaction lasted about an hour and then I was back to my lust-filled state for the rest of the night. I twisted in my sheets, my mind conjuring images of Cole, his sexy smile and strong chest, and my fingers attempted to replay the scene in his office, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted his touch, his deep voice in my ear. And more than that, I wanted more ofhim. More time to explore the connection that I had felt. I’ve had good sex before, but what I felt with Cole was beyond sex, and that was absolutely terrifying. That thought cost me even more sleep.
I’m in my closet now, and struggling with what to wear. My hands linger on the skirt I was wearing when I saw Cole at the clinic. For a guy I had sex with once, Cole is sure taking up a lot of space in my mind. There are the sexy time thoughts and then there are thoughts like whether or not he’s finished that James Patterson book on his nightstand, has he been thinking about me, too, or has he been sharing pie with someone else? Then even more thoughts start to swirl around in my brain. What if I wasn’t attempting to get pregnant with Ellie and Josh’s baby? Would I have stayed at Cole’s place that night? Would he have gotten my phone number? Would we have gone on dates, and be spending quiet nights cuddling on the couch watching Netflix? Making plans to meet each other’s families and vacation together? I shake those thoughts from my head before they can take root. That’s not me. Even if I wasn’t pursuing the surrogacy for my sister, snuggles and hand-holding wouldn’t be what I want out of a one-night stand. So why can I imagine doing them with Cole?
I don’t even know much about the guy, other than he’s an OBGYN with magic fingers. I have to repeat my mantra. He was a one-night stand. End of story. I shake my head and move past it to a pair of pants. Pants will be better. No easy access.
* * *
If Ellie thinks I’m acting weird, she doesn’t say anything. I mean it’s not like I’m ducking behind plants or anything. I really did think I dropped my lip gloss behind the large potted ficus in the waiting room. We make it to the exam room without any Cole sightings. His practice is on three so I’m relying on the chances that he’d be at the fertility clinic to be slim. Dr. Yang is chipper as ever and I kind of want to punch her in the throat. Either that or start humping the exam table. When she pulls out the large ultrasound wand, I nearly moan with pleasure. What the hell is wrong with me?
When she inserts the ultrasound wand, I’m pretty sure I have a mini orgasm.
“All right, Brooke, everything is looking great. Your uterus lining is beautiful.”
Dr. Yang removes the wand and switches off the machine. Boo. I sit up on the exam table, the paper crinkling with my movement.
“So, when am I getting knocked up?” I know this is a serious matter, but my hormones are all over the place. The quicker this thing happens, the less likely I am to lose my mind. I think this might be like sky diving, where you either jump from the plane quickly or you chicken out.
Ellie exchanges a look with Dr. Yang.
