What I wouldn’t give to have Rumple here with me now. I had a feeling Gavriel was about to attack me. And he did… but with words.
“You think Mikhail mated you because he loves you. He may feel some sort of connection now, but that’s the effect of the soul bond, the one created when he saved you. He felt responsible for you. He felt guilty, that a Novice in his care was so horribly tarnished.” He gritted his teeth, his face wreathed with confusion and a strange desperation to understand. “I know how he justified mating you… but to merge with you? You’re not his equal. Not capable of being what he needs in a mate. The Guides will accuse him of spiritual incest.”
“He knows I’m not a Novice,” I sputtered. “I’m not one of his... children, or whatever.”
“No, you’re not.” Gavriel’s voice was a sinuous snake that curled up in my eardrums and oozed venom. “You’re not a Novice. You’re not a High Angelus. He told me your name: Useless. Trash. Nothing.” He dropped his head, muttering, “You could be the reason Arabella fell in the first place. You were some… impurity that found its way into her creation. Maybe that’s why she never looked at me with love. Or longing. Or even lust, the way Mikhail looks at you.
“Maybe you’re the reason I’ve been alone.”
I felt my scalding tears as they fell onto the bed, onto the sheets and Arabella as well, but I didn’t look away from Gavriel to wipe them. His features were twisted in a scowl, and he circled the bed like some beast, waiting for the moment to strike.
“Mikhail is probably sitting in his hall now, preparing to sacrifice himself to the Great Gate for you. For the others as well, but when I asked once before why he would contemplate a similar foolish sacrifice, he said he owed it to you.”
I gasped. He may as well have punched me in the stomach. “I don’t want him to sacrifice himself. I love him!”
He barked a short laugh. “You’re destroying him. He was already weak, apparently from centuries of carving new soul light out of his own flesh. With your burden of shadows on his shoulders, he’s fading. He knows, as well as I do, that he only has so much time now that he’s carrying weight for you as well.”
“But Sanctuary needs him,” I cried.
“Yes, it does, far more than it needs you.” He let out a breath. “Or me.”
“I’d do it myself if I could. I’d save Sanctuary.” I needed him to understand, needed to erase the suspicion and distrust in his eyes. “I would protect it, for him. For all of you.”
His voice was soft as he twisted the knife one more time. “Would you, though? If you’re made of the same stuff my mate is—if you’re really who he thinks, then you could save him, and all of us. But almost no one who says they’d make that sort of sacrifice would really do it. Only great souls like Mikhail.” And with that, he turned and vanished back into the hidden entrance.
I cried until there were no tears left. Then I stared at Arabella.
What would it be like to have someone love you that fiercely? Loyal for centuries, even though you could never speak to him, never kiss or touch him? In the farthest corner of my heart, I had hoped Mikhail and I could share something like that, wished for it. But I’d known before Gavriel had hammered the point home that Mikhail was too good for me. Too pure, too important, too generous.
If I stayed here with Mikhail, as he grew weaker over the years, I would always know that he had mated me out of kindness. But not love.
And whether he loved me or not, I did love him. I wouldn’t be the millstone around his big, muscly neck.
I lifted myself off the bed, feeling centuries older than I had just that morning, and pressed a kiss to Arabella’s brow. Her face was wet with my tears, and they made her glow and sparkle even more. “My sister Dina wasn’t pretty like you. But she was amazing in every way that mattered. I failed her, though; I didn’t do a good job of protecting her. Maybe I can do a better one protecting you, and everyone else here.”
I climbed down and slipped silently into the hallway, my heart heavier than all the smut I’d worn for all those centuries. I knew what I had to do. I just hoped I had the courage to go through with it.
CHAPTER31
Feather
When I returned to the Great Gate, I knew I would need more than courage to get past the guard. I peeked around the corner of the wall, cursing internally. Hope was still there, bundled up in at least three robes to stave off the cold, her vigilant gaze passing over the area every few seconds.Crap on toast. I was just about to back away, and try to come up with some sort of plan that wasn’t entirely stolen from a cartoon, when something went around my face, covering my mouth.
“Mmmph!” I cried out, the sound almost entirely lost in a burst of freezing wind that whistled around the wall.
“What are you up to, little Scrap?” Righteous’s breath was minty in my ear, and when I recognized his voice, I relaxed into his warm, solid hold. For some reason, that shocked him; he pushed me away from him and turned me around, his hands moving to my shoulders.
For a second, we both stared at each other, me scrambling to think of an excuse for being in this hallway, him blinking those gorgeous golden eyes at me, and chewing at his lower lip the longer I stared. I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down and had the inexplicable urge to lick it. I shook the impulse away.
“Why do you think I’m up to something?” I asked, knowing I couldn’t lie to him successfully. “I could be just... taking a walk.” I shivered from the cold, and he lifted one eyebrow.
“Sure,” he whispered. “Well, get back to your room. I’m going on duty, and I’m not letting you anywhere near that gate. It’s dangerous.”
I crinkled my nose, then remembered something important. “You have to let me stay with you while you guard. You owe me.” He opened his mouth to protest, and I rushed on, “Remember the bet you made in the Maker Hall? That you wouldn’t cry from the pain? Well, you lost. So now I’m calling in the debt. All you have to do is let me stand guard at the gate with you now.” He began to shake his head, and I whispered, “You promised on your wings to do me a favor. This is it.”
I didn’t know exactly what a wing promise meant, but Ry obviously did. His lips went so tight, they turned pale at the edges. “That’s all?” His eyes narrowed when I nodded. “Why?”
“I’m going to try to help it,” I said truthfully, then prevaricated a little. “You sing to it, right? Well, maybe I could help that way.”
