I was responsible. I was the rightful bearer of this pain.
I was the sacrifice.
I kept kissing as I was drawn into unconsciousness, accepting the oily filth that coated my face and hands and arms and feet, and the final gout that rushed from Righteous’s mouth to fill mine, then my lungs.
The instant before I fell into the void, I felt the lips beneath mine move. Heard a voice, calling out, begging me not to die.
Begging me not to leave him.
But I couldn’t stay. This was too much pain to bear and live. So when the silence came, I welcomed it. It wrapped me in a blanket of darkness that didn’t etch my skin with blades. A darkness that caressed and comforted, that held me like a lover.
I floated for an eternity. I was alone, but I always had been until recently. And at least the pain was gone.
“Little one?” A deep voice, filled with concern, flooded my blank mind. A surge of energy from somewhere—my chest? Did I still have a chest?—forced a trickle of air into my lungs. Though I was fairly certain I didn’t have lungs wherever I was. “Little one, are you playing dead?”
“Rumple?” My voice was scratchy and feeble, like I’d been screaming for days. “Am Inotdead?” Another surge of warmth radiated from my chest.
A feeling of amusement. It was always feelings, after the pain. When he came and held me, stitched my soul back together underneath the corrosive smut. There were often a few words, but mostly this was a world of thought, emotion. This part of the universe existed only in my deepest heart.
“Mostly dead, sweet sacrifice.” A hesitation, tinged with worry. “You chose to save that Protector.”
“You’re surprised?” I lifted a mental eyebrow. “It’s not my first rodeo, you know.”
“Rodeo?” A moment of curiosity.
“Not my first soul to cleanse.”
Understanding. “But… you chose to save this one.”
“Didn’t think I would, given the choice?”
“The pain. The cost. You could have avoided this.”
“Unlike all the other times, when you commanded me to take it in.” I felt the waves of regret underneath a firm sense of unyielding commitment.
“I haven’t had to command you in a long time, Little Sacrifice.”
I smiled into the feeling of a gentle hand on my face. “True. Well, in this case… I may have been responsible for his smut.”
“You?” Shock, consternation, more curiosity.
“I started it. I didn’t mean to, but I... kissed him. Pretty thoroughly. He was so pure before, and I dirtied him up a little. But he didn’t react well, and I guess it sort of snowballed.”
Silence. Hurt and confusion and a flash of something new. Was it desire? But a hint of jealousy as well. I held my mind as still as I could.
“Rumple?”
“You kissed him.” A too-empty pause. Something hidden. “You desired him?”
I thought for a moment. “Well, not at first. He was sort of a jerk, to be honest. But then, I don’t know. He’s so golden and perfect. You remember the cake I ran my finger through, back in Gascogne? The enormous one made by that bald baker who liked to touch little boys?”
Agreement. “You were beaten for it, but your prank saved little Jean-Claude from being hurt.”
“Yeah, that one.” I still wore the smut from that baker on my back, the same place he’d whipped me before his heart gave out during the beating. “He’s like that. So perfect I can’t stand it. I wanted to… mess him up.”
Disapproval, anger.
“No, not like that. I didn’t mean to hurt him, Rumple. I just… I wanted to see what it felt like. To hold someone like that. Someone beautiful and good.”
