Anxious, he put a hand over hers. “But you didn’t? The baby’s okay?”
“No. I didn’t.” Her shoulders shook, but no sound came from her. Finally, she said, “But, Ken, a part of me wanted to miscarry.”
The breath escaped his body.What? Why?His hands turned cold. “Explain.”
She finally looked at him with watery, red eyes. “When the ultrasound tech told me the baby was there and let me listen to the heartbeat, I felt just a moment of disappointment. Then the doctor came in, and she was really understanding, and she gave me this flier about terminating the baby, and I almost took it home with me.”
Something was very, very wrong. This could not be the Daisy he knew. This was not the Daisy he loved. The way she spoke, no longer through tears but weirdly calm, made his skin tingle with involuntary gooseflesh. Could this be her training as a lawyer? She spoke so matter-of-factly.
Miscarriage. Terminating the baby. Killing the unborn child with intent and forethought. Abortion.
Completely horrified and at a loss for words, he whispered, “You didn’t…”
“No. No, of course not.” She stood and crossed the room, wrapping her arms around her stomach as she turned and faced him. “I couldn’t. For the last two days, I just laid in my bed and tried to understand what I was feeling and why. I realized that I am ashamed of myself.”
She balled up the tissue in her fist and closed her eyes. “Everything would be so much easier for me if I just wasn’t pregnant anymore. I wouldn’t have to face anyone. No one would know what I had done. The proof of my sin would just vanish.”
Words filled his mind; words of condemnation, understanding, rejection, love, acceptance, disgust, wisdom. He didn’t even know where to begin. Finally, he said, “God would know.”
“You think I don’t know that?” she snapped.
He stared at her as her quick anger evaporated as if it had never existed. He processed every word of the conversation so far before he spoke. “Quite frankly, I don’t know what you think right now. The idea that you would even think about bringing harm to an innocent life to cover your mistake, your sin, makes me think I don’t know anything about you.” Bitterness filled his mouth like bile. “But I want to understand. Explain it so I understand.”
“Understand? I didn’t do anything to this baby. I got up this morning and even took my vitamins like I ought to do. I’m trying to tell you something that happened to me and give you the honesty of my thoughts and feelings because you claim to love me and care about me. I’m really struggling here, and I don’t know what to do to make it better.” She walked back toward the bed. “How do I stop thoughts like that?”
Ken suddenly realized that he might never understand. The secular world has this philosophical notion that if it were somehow possible to strip away everything physical and cultural from, say, a man, that you would arrive at just a pure “core” identity of a sexless person. The secular belief then purports that if it were somehow possible to replace everything that was first stripped away with, say, female physicality and female cultural mores, then that once man’s “core” self could equally and effortlessly shift to “identifying” as female. The belief concludes that the converse is equally true, and so a female could just as equally and effortlessly act as a male.
Ken had analyzed this philosophical notion about gender and come to an undeniable conclusion. As a result, he knew something the secular world didn’t realize. Without any sliver of a doubt, Ken knew that this entire notion was utter and complete nonsense built on untestable fictions. He knew that the Creator of the universe determined a person’s gender before He even knitted that person in a mother’s womb.
Ken Dixon had spent uncountable hours of his life to date pondering mysteries and analyzing evidence, puzzles, and challenges that life presented. He had identified the mysteries that loomed larger than his intellect. He also knew what he knew with unshakable certainty. One thing he knew for certain: God had made him male. All he wanted to be was the best man he could be.
Setting any religious knowledge or philosophical hypotheticals aside, Ken knew he would make a horrible female. Thankfully, he never had been, and never would be, a woman. However, that also meant that Ken would never have to carry a child inside his body.
Therefore, Ken could never fully understand Daisy’s feelings, but logic and reason had served him well his entire life. So he silently reasoned through this puzzle just as he always had. He analyzed. He considered what advice he could offer. His mind took in all the facts and all of the social constructs and came to just one sound logical conclusion. It followed almost like a symphony, like the most elegant syllogism he had ever pondered. Why had Daisy not reached that same conclusion already as well?
He knew that the decisions she’d made so far formed the foundation of this deep anger with herself. He decided to start there. “What would lessen your shame?”
“I beg your pardon?”
He no longer wanted to quibble. He needed facts. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head to try to express impatience and frustration. “It’s a simple question, Daisy.”
She stared at him and opened and closed her mouth as if she didn’t quite know where to start. Finally, she said, “I imagine that if no one knew what I had done, I would have no shame.”
Ken had already calculated every possibility before he ever framed the question. Trying not to sound impatient, he said, “Not a realistic option. Everyone will know pretty soon. Right? Wind the clock forward three or four months. You’re obviously pregnant, and everyone knows it because there’s no hiding it. Realistically, what would lessen your shame?”
She pressed her lips together tightly. She tilted her head as if trying to see him more clearly. “Being married, I guess.”
“Exactly right.” He nodded. “So, let’s get married.”
“What?” She held up both hands. “No!”
“No?”
“No! No way!”
“No way?” Every muscle in his body tensed. “You do realize I am proposing to you, Daisy.” It wasn’t a question.
She shook her head. “You’re not going to ask me to marry you out of pity. So you can fix my problem? If you ask me to marry you, it will be because you love me and you want to marry me.”
