He raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t assume it did. I’m sure it has everything to do with being back home and getting thrown back into the mix of faithful people. You can’t hide anymore.”
“You think I’ve been hiding?”
Standing, he paced across the gazebo and looked up, spying the very edge of the box they had put up there almost fifteen years ago. He only noticed it because he knew it was there. “I think you were hurt and took it out on everyone. Acting out of that pain put you in a situation that ended up physically harmful, and that fed your hurt. The fact, though, is that you’re safe here, Valerie. You’re physically safe, you’re emotionally safe, and you’re spiritually safe. No one is going to hurt you here.”
She sat quietly for several moments, then said, “I never imagined I’d be hurt anywhere. I was wrong, though, wasn’t I? I became a victim. I turned into a victim. Do you know what that does to someone?”
“I only know what I’ve seen in you.” He crossed to her again and sat back down. “I don’t think you know how much it affects me to see the changes in you that are a result of your relationship with Tyrone. It makes me want to go let him feel my wrath. Kind of less than charitable, but there it is. I’ve talked to my dad about it and he’s given me some good solid wisdom that I need to be willing to listen to.”
“If I remember my Bible correctly, I don’t think wrath is left out of it.” She chuckled and sat up. “I very, very much want to uncover my way back to God. Can you help me?”
Brad cleared his throat as emotion tried to close it off. He held a hand out, palm up, and said, “Will you pray with me?”
Valerie sat next to Bradand listened to Danny Brown as he talked about Jesus feeding the multitudes. “We say He fed 5,000 like that’s this massive number and should be amazing to us. But, church, we refer to it wrong and have forever. Jesus didn’t only feed 5,000 that day. Read the words again. He fed 5,000 men plus women and children.” He paused for several breaths, then said, “We’re talking ten, fifteen thousand, church. Think about it. He did it without effort. He did it in front of tens of thousands of hungry people. What can He do for you? What part of you needs to be fed? Don’t fool yourself into thinking He can’t because He did. And He will. He will because He loves you and He wants you fed.”
She let his words sink in through the rest of the service and through the lunch with the Dixons that followed. Buddy sat next to her at a table next to the pool and listened to her work through what she felt like inside after listening to the sermon.
“Tyrone broke me,” she admitted. “I’m afraid a lot, which isn’t reasonable because he’s not here. He’s in prison, and no one else will ever hurt me. But I am. I was reading my mom’s journals that Auntie Rose gave me, and she went through something that made her afraid, too. Can you tell me about it?”
Buddy swallowed hard and tears filled his eyes. “She was attacked and sexually assaulted by a football player after a game in high school. The police didn’t believe her. The school didn’t believe her. There wasn’t enough evidence for a guilty verdict. White boy from an affluent family, black girl from a middle-class family. And, he tormented her as often as he could.”
Tears fell from Valerie’s eyes. “How horrible.”
“One of the reasons she loved your dad so much was because he never once made her feel like less of a person because that happened to her.” He leaned forward. “She was afraid at night. She’d push her chair in front of her bedroom door. One time she admitted that it didn’t make sense because he never broke into her room and attacked her there. I think what happened to her is what happened to you. You understand that something terriblecouldhappen, and there’s not a lot you can do to stop it because someone might be bigger and stronger than you. That would damage a psyche.”
He sat back and picked up his glass of tea. A ring of condensation remained on the table. “Once she and your dad were married, the fear gradually faded. One day, she realized she hadn’t had a panic attack in weeks. At one point, it was all just a bad memory.”
Valerie would love to experience a day without a panic attack. Did she have any hope for that? Or did Tyrone break her too permanently and completely? She thought about it as conversation happened around her, searching herself inside, examining her mind and heart. Auntie Rose’s voice pulled her out of her own head.
“Buddy, the boys are going to the lake to finish prepping for tomorrow if you want to help,” Rosaline said as she stood and gathered lunch plates. “I’m going to start cooking.”
“I’ll stay and help you cook, Mama,” Brad said. “We have a really great handle on the lake for tomorrow.”
Phillip drained his glass and stood. “Did you take the fishing poles and tackle out there?”
“Yes, sir. Put some worms in the mini fridge, too. Ready for the kids.”
“Perfect.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket and gave Rosaline a gentle kiss. “See you tonight.”
Everyone but Brad, Valerie, and Rosaline left. Valerie carried lunch dishes into the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher while Brad started peeling and chopping onions. Once she cleaned the counters and put soap in the dishwasher, she turned to Rosaline. “What can I do?”
“Deviled eggs. They’re in the fridge,” she said, raising her voice over the sound of the food processor she currently used to shred cabbage .
Valerie opened the refrigerator door and saw the large bowl of eggs. “These are already boiled?”
“Yes.”
Rosaline used a remote control to put music on, and the three of them worked without speaking for several minutes, listening to the music. Valerie steadily peeled and rinsed eggs. She counted about three dozen. Once she had them peeled, she cut them in half and scooped out the yolks.
Soon she filled containers with eggs filled with a relish and mayonnaise filling and sealed the containers, then stacked them and put them in the fridge. For ease of transport, they would put the filling into the egg white shells at the lake tomorrow.
“What next?”
Rosaline put cabbage and carrots in a huge stainless steel bowl and used both hands to stir the coleslaw dressing into them. “Jon made a sauce last night and I put some beef short ribs in the fridge to thaw. Go ahead and get them marinating in the sauce.”
While Valerie transferred ribs from one container to another, she thought about what Buddy told her. Of course, she’d inferred what happened to her mom from reading her journal, but she hadn’t thought about how she didn’t write about the fear a whole lot after her father came into the picture. It interested her how the relationship would have made the fear fade away.
“How many people are you expecting tomorrow?”
