Jaime stoodin Finn’s living room, taking in the scarce furniture and even scarcer wall decor.
Finn and Silas’s living room, he grumbled.
The giant wasn’t there with them, but it was obvious the two men lived together. However, it wasn’t the love nest he would have assumed it would be.
For one, he thought there’d be more pictures of them together. Or, well, just them. There were pictures that they were both in, but most of them were with two other men. One he vaguely recognized as Cameron Sheppard, head of the security team, but the other he hadn’t ever seen before. The only other pictures of Silas and Finn together were of them as young men, an arm slung over each other’s shoulder and outfitted in full military gear, and one where they appeared to be barely into high school, all knobby knees and lanky limbs.
He was secretly pleased to see that even Silas went through an awkward legs-too-long and feet-too-big phase.
Other than the pictures, the living area was relatively bare, with only a television and couch, separated by a plain coffee table. It certainly was not the same as his own cluttered style.
Hearing Finn tromping back downstairs from where he’d disappeared to a few minutes ago, Jaime hastily stepped away from the pictures he’d been snooping on, but Finn tipped up a smile and gestured to the picture of the four of them. “That was taken almost ten years ago, I think. Before one of our missions.”
Jaime nodded. “I remember you said you were in the military, before moving to Silver Rapids.”
“It’s how I met Sheppard and Renner. After we got out, Sheppard started the security firm and Silas and I jumped on the chance. It was hard adjusting to… well, after.” His smile faded, but his face and voice remained soft. “I think you understand that. Having anafter.”
Jaime nodded, unable to tear his eyes away from Finn’s. “So the three of you work together; what about Renner?”
Finn didn’t look away from him, but his face did some sort of crumpling thing, folding inwards. “He didn’t make it out of our last mission. We were discharged immediately after he was killed.” He did look away from Jaime then. “Si and I weren’t well, for a long time after. We were in therapy for months. I still exchange messages with a therapist, and make appointments when I think it will help.”
Jaime found himself striding across the room toward him. “Finn.” He reached out but caught himself, letting his hand fall. “I’m sorry.”
Finn stared at the hand he’d let fall, and then he reached out and took it, thumb rubbing across his knuckles like they had that very first day outside of his house, when Finn pulled Jaime back into himself.
They shouldn’t be doing this, standing in the house he shared with Silas and holding hands, but Jaime couldn’t help but squeeze back.
“We don’t talk about Renner, really.” Finn heaved a sigh, and looked back up, brown eyes soft. “Maybe someday, I’ll tell you more about him. About who we all were, together as a team. But I wanted to tell you this, now, so that you’d know that I have anaftertoo, Jaime. And it’s terrible and overwhelming and draining and unfair. But there is also anaftertheafter. And you’re not alone. I know things aren’t right with your brother, but that doesn’t mean you’re a burden, or weak, or too much. Not for me. Not for us. You’re strong enough on your own—you’ve proved that over and over already by surviving and getting here. But you can lean on us, too. We aren’t going anywhere.”
Jaime didn’t know what to say. Not about any of it. Finn had lost a friend; he knew what Jaime was feeling—what he had gone through, was still going through. Their circumstances weren’tthe same, but he could see the pain in Finn’s eyes, now, and recognized it for what it was.
Grief. Shame.
His own pooled around him, but not in the familiar, tight, constricting way that made it difficult to breathe. No, it was like his mess saw Finn’s, and wanted to soothe it, and thus, was soothed.
A beast taming a beast. Seeing and being seen.
He squeezed Finn’s hand again. “Take me to lunch?”
Finn smiled, real and full, and Jaime thought it looked like the sun. “I know a spot.”
Chapter 10
Finn
Finn might be tempting fate by taking Jaime to the place where they were meant to meet last year, but today was not going at all how he imagined it would.
So, fuck it. They were going to Andi’s.
He hadn’t planned on telling Jaime about Renner, or about his past struggles. He’d debated it over and over in his head for the past few days as he watched Jaime retreat into himself, and couldn’t decide how to bring him back. They’d occupied space near each other, but hadn’t really engaged since that first night at the dinner table.
He’d been ashamed of his response the next morning.
Of course, Jaime hadn’t hurled that word at him in disgust or accusation. Bishopwasa monster. He’d traumatized Jaime deeply, and Finn had made that about himself and his own insecurities. He knew that his response in the moment hadn’t been the right one, but as he watched Jaime become more and more closed off over the next few days he couldn’t decide whether heshouldtry and make things better with him.
Because the truth was, regardless of insecurities and intentions and misunderstandings, Finn was also a monster,and he didn’t want to bring Jaime even further into the danger he’d inadvertently walked into last spring.
A world he would run from as fast and far as he could, if he knew even half of the truth.
