And I don’t even know how to process it.
You shouldn’t love me.
No one as good as you should ever love me.
But even as I protest, as I defy his words, I know he means what he’s telling me.
There’s nothing I can do to push him away.
Nothing that could make him stop caring about me.
I pull in a breath of cool air. “Never should have let you touch me, Colson. Should have made that clear from the moment you kissed me.”
Because I don’t know how to handle real love.
Because you’re giving your soul to a monster.
“But instead, you liked it. You liked every moment with me. What’s so wrong with that?”
“You know what’s wrong.”
“No I don’t. Use your words.Talkto me,” he begs. “Communicate with something other than your knife, or your fists, or your goddamn cock in my throat?—”
“I’m fucking falling for you,” I blurt out, feeling like a spark just became an inferno in me. “I don’t fall for anyone. I don’t let myself. And you go outside with me,give yourself to me, and ask if this is all just a favor? It’s not a favor. It’s a mistake I can’t stop making. And I know you’re just going to regret it. Regret me.”
He watches my eyes as it all comes spilling out of me.
I let him inside me long ago, but I’d been so careful notto let him in myhead. Tried to protect him from entering my heart, and ruining his fucking life in the process.
Now it’s too late.
I feel sick. Dizzy.
Rayne cocks his head to one side, still silent, like he’s watching an animal behind glass at the zoo, trying to reach inside.
And you really, really shouldn’t be behind that glass.
“It’s a mask, isn’t it? There’s so much inside you. You act like you’re numb, and cold, and like youwantto be alone. But it’s just a mask.”
It’s getting harder to breathe as I try to warn him off. “Rayne.”
“I don’t think I’ll regret a single thing about it.”
He takes a step closer suddenly, pulling my arm forward.
He isn’t trying to fight me.
Isn’t running away.
And when he wraps his arms around my shoulders, leaning in and hugging me tightly, all I can do is collapse into his arms.
The warm bulk of his body.
The affection he somehow gives me, even in the midst of chaos.
And I let go for the first time.
The press of Rayne’s lips is warm against the side of my head. He still fucking smells like sunscreen, even now, on the first snow day of the season, and that smell is comforting in a way that nothing ever has been before.
