“Mostly though, I just wanted it all to go away.All of it.Everything and everybody.”
He turned his arms so the slivered scars glittered under the lamplight.“England was depressingly grey.”He gave a dry laugh.“Two days in—” He broke off and started over.“I planned it.I had it all figured out.You see, I didn’t want it to beFarmoror one of my sisters who found me.Being in the UK meant there wasn’t any risk of that.”
Alle continued to smooth her thumb along the fuzz surrounding his jaw.“I can’t imagine how alone you must have felt.How is it you weren’t offered help?Surely after the court case, people could see there’d be an impact on you.”
“No one saw me.I lived at the lodge while I healed.Slept, walked, played guitar.”
“Right.I still think it’s odd that no one checked on you.”
Perhaps a little.At the time he’d been glad of it.Although, maybe it had also played in to his sense of abandonment.
Nobody had cared.
Alle’s caresses shifted to his forearms and the long narrow scars.“What did you use?”
“A pen knife.”
“Did somebody find you?”
He closed his eyes and sighed.“I didn’t cut deep enough.The guy in the room next door drove me to A&E.It was deeply humiliating.I spent a fortnight on a ward with a bunch of people who didn’t want to be there either.Got out because they needed the space.Was made to endure a whole raft of counselling and therapy sessions, which achieved nothing concrete.I hated them.I didn’t want to be there.I didn’t want to talk to them.It was like I couldn’t bury any of it, because I was constantly being asked to talk about it, describe what had happened, what had got me to that point.How it all made me feel.”He shook his head more vigorously.“Revisiting it… any of it, even for a moment or two made me feel even more wretched.I wasn’t safe to be around.I hated everything I’d done.The person I’d been.The person I was.The future that I could see.I wasn’t supposed to be that person anymore.I wasn’t supposed to be anyone anymore.”
“Is that why you decided to pursue celibacy?”
His shoulders lifted again.“There were a lot of very sleazy hook ups before then.I didn’t exactly trust myself around women, but my libido sure wasn’t dead.”
“Guys?”
He pursed his lips.“I’m not proud.”
“I’m still not seeing how Xane fits in.Was he your neighbour?One of your sleazy hook-ups?”
“Actually, could I have a drink, please?”
Alle leapt up immediately.“Of course.Shall I make some tea?”She crossed to where the travel kettle stood alongside a selection of herbal teas.
Spook stood too.“Actually, I’d like coffee.And could you put some rum in it.”
They didn’t speak while they waited for the kettle to boil.Spook nipped into the bathroom again, and failed to holding onto the sandwiches he’d eaten.When he returned he perched on the edge of the bed, until she handed him his drink.Then he relocated to the sofa.
Alle watched him cradle the cup and breathe in the coiling steam.“Rum.”She snagged a miniature from the fridge.Spook upended the whole bottle into his cup.
“You don’t have to go on, if you don’t want to.If it’s too difficult, I understand.”
“If you’ve heard enough.”
“No.Spook, I was thinking of you.It’s awful.My heart’s splitting in two.I can’t imagine how chewed up you must have been.To be accused like that, to be smeared so horribly, and for her not to defend you.She was supposed to be in love with you.You’d shared so much.Trusted one another.And then her brothers.”
He patted the seat beside him, and Alle filled the spot as bidden.She was making this as easy for him as it could be.Not demanding too much.Stopping when he needed to.Sticking to what was relevant, rather than going off at tangents.In the therapy sessions he’d had, it’d always felt like they were mining for things that weren’t there.
“You don’t have to tell me anything else if you don’t want to, or you can tell me everything.I’ll listen.What do you need?”
Understanding.Absolution.“Just don’t hate me,” he said looking downwards to his knee.
“Christ!Spook, no.”She put her cup aside, so that she could swaddle him in an embrace.She pulled his head against her chest.“I don’t.Not at all.Not even for what you did with Xane, which I still don’t get.Honestly, I’m astonished.Horrified by what you’ve endured.How you’re not six times the mess— I’m sorry, that didn’t come out very well.”
“I know I’m screwed up, Alle.You don’t have to bite your tongue over that.”
She gave him a nervous smile, and nodded.
