“I mean, I don’t think I’ll see you throwing any wild parties, but you do all right. You’re friendly, thoughtful, approachable. I wish I did a better job of that. We all wish we were a little bit of something else, you know? Grass is always greener.”
“True,” I agree. “But I just know the way he sees me, like I’m a lost little nun he has to protect. Someone who he needs to watch after. And sure, that’s been nice, but after a while, he’ll get bored with that. I see him more with someone like you.”
“Strong, brave, able to overlook all his vices and violence to see who he really is?”
I nod at her assessment of herself. “Exactly.”
“Agreed. He’d need someone who can take her hurt and turn it into something productive. Teach him how to do the same. Someone who can sit in the silence with him long enough that he’s willing to talk. Someone who knows enough about loss that she can give him the empathy he needs. Sound like anyone you know?”
I glance over at her, and her brow lifts again.
“I’m just saying…” She takes a sip from the flask. “Actually, it’s not just me. Grant’s pretty convinced of it too. Worried, I think, that you might dull Levi’s edges a little bit. I think it’ll be good for him. All of the Stockton men could use a woman who knows how to hold the reins when they need it, you know?”
“I think I have a big learning curve there, literally and figuratively.” I laugh.
“You just have to remember who you are.” She gives me a once-over and nudges me with her hip. “From what I hear, you’re quite dangerous when you want to be. I don’t think you grow up with a father like him, survive a man like Corey, and come out the other side powerless. The opposite, really. You get to take what they wasted and make something new. Let yourself hold that power. Wield it for what you want.”
We stand in silence for a long minute then, staring out at the beauty of the forest, listening to the roar of the waterfall.
“I’m trying to help with this plan Levi has.”
“You’re not trying. You’re doing.” She asserts it for me. “When Grant went through something similar, I didn’t get achance to help him. Levi has you front and center in this plan because he believes in you.”
“You weren’t helping with the plan when you told him to seduce me?” I risk a glance at her, and she bows her head, shaking it as she kicks a small rock into the water.
“To be fair, I didn’t know you then, and I was pretty fresh off a concussion. I’d have to have been to think he could seduce anyone with that attitude. Although the glasses help, right? Grant’s just started using readers at night before bed, and they’re like kryptonite. It should be studied.” She goes down a rabbit hole but reels herself back in and looks at me. “I won’t apologize for wanting to protect this family and my friends, but I am sorry it hurt you. I hate that it did.”
“It’s okay. I would have done the same in your position. I just want to clear the air. When I go back to the convent, I don’t want to spend weeks in confession.”
“You’re going back?” I can hear the disappointment in her tone.
“I think so. I have things in my past that I wish I’d done differently, and the convent makes me feel like I’m doing something about them instead of just moving on like it’s nothing. I just wish I didn’t have to give up Levi in the process.”
“There’s nothing else you could do? It’s convent or bust?”
“I…” The words fade. I've considered what I’d do if the convent didn’t want me anymore, but I haven't thought about what it would mean if I didn’t want the convent. If I don’t have to run from Corey or my father, there might be other ways of achieving the same goal.
“Because Levi aside, just woman to woman, I think you’re wasted there. I know I’m biased. I’d probably catch on fire if I tried to put on one of those habits you all wear. So maybe don’t listen to me. But I don’t think you could do even half the good you’re capable of locked away on that island, living by theirrules. I mean… Is it what you really want, or was it what you chose out of the options the men in your life made you feel like you were limited to?” She hands the whisky flask back to me, and I stare at it as I think about her question.
“I’m not sure, I guess. I hadn’t thought about it like that.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Maybe,” I agree.
“All right, back to learning to hold the reins then?” She nods to the horses, who are patiently waiting for us to ride back.
“Sounds good.” We both start walking toward them, and stretching our legs one last time before we get back on the trail.
“And if you need any tips on the other set, let me know.” She grins as she gets back on her horse. I follow suit, and we take off back to the ranch house.
THIRTY-FOUR
Zephyrine
“We’ve gotta teachyou to tie a proper knot.” Levi watches me tie his horse off as I walk with out with him to fix once of the fences. The other ranch hands were busy and he wanted to show me this part of his childhood home.
“This is a proper knot.” I frown as I look at the perfectly serviceable knot that I’ve used to tie the rope off.
