He sucked in a deep breath and then forced it out.
“For starters,” he said, “I know we’re going to be in this thing for the long haul. I didn’t know what to think when we first got into this. It was as weird for me as it was for you. But I went with the flow and listened to what my heart told me. I’m still listening to my heart now.”
That last sentence stabbed me with a thousand tiny needles. He’d listened to his heart? Yeah, you could say I’d done the same thing (in addition to listening to far more sensitive body parts), but I wouldn’t have described my decision in those words. Hockey players don’t follow their hearts. They might do what they think is right. They definitely listen to their guts. But their hearts?
Fuck that shit.
“Okay,” I said, “what do you mean bylong haul?”
“It means this isn’t short term. It’s not a fling. I can’t predict the future any more than you can. I’m just saying that we’re together, and it’s a permanent thing, even if we’ve never said so in quite that way. That’s why we’ve got to figure out what our lives our going to look like from here on out.”
Jakob was right. Please, for the love of God, don’t tell him I said that. Bad enough he’d backed me into a corner during that conversation. I didn’t need him getting a big head, too.
“Think about it,” he said, “my saving your ass from Levi is the latest symptom of the fact that our relationship isn’t a nothing burger.”
“You didn’t save my ass from anyone. I could’ve handled that meathead just fine, you know.”
“Maybe, but the fact that I felt the overwhelming compulsion to pull him off of you said more than words ever could. And the fact that you barely touched me in that game when your teammates were trying to take my head off says plenty about how you feel about me.”
I could’ve struck back saying that no one had tried to take his head off, but that wouldn’t have been true. He had a point. They’d targeted him and I’d known it all along. A tinge of nausea seeped into my gut when I realized I should’ve done more to save him from the rest of the Riptides. After all, what they’d tried to do exceeded simply playing hockey.
But that wasn’t all. Sitting across from Jakob and gazing at his face, told me he’d been right about this “long haul” business. Denying it would take me nowhere. At first, I’d felt like I’d indulged Jakob with this whole relationship business. I’d felt confused, but also horny as fuck, truth be told. No need to rehash how I never would’ve expected a guy to drive me to a sexual frenzy. That’s been done to death.
I would’ve expected it to have ended by now. Look, I know how bad that sounds, but look at it from my point of view. I’d been through this a hundred times before. Never with a guy, and definitely not with a bitter rival, but who cares? Point is, you get into these things, you have your fun, and then you get out. Simple. Only what I had going with Jakob defied fundamentals.
And, of course, I couldn’t share those thoughts with him in a million years, because that would obliterate any point I wanted to make.
Then, as if erecting an emotional wall between us, I said, “You know we’re only going to fall into this deeper, don’t you?”
“The thought has occurred to me, yeah.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
He shrugged, dipping a couple of fries into a puddle of ketchup.
“I don’t think we have a choice,” he said.
“Of course we have a choice. We’re human beings, aren’t we? We’ve got free will.”
“Free will applies to most areas of life, but there are exceptions.”
“Come on, Jakob, you’re saying we have no control over our own lives?”
“It’s not as bad as you’re making it sound, but you’re definitely getting there.”
“Great.”
He might as well have pronounced our relationship a freight train that no one could stop. Not even Superman or The Flash. Had he actually said it, I would’ve found something much bigger than a wadded-up paper place mat to bounce off his head.
I also couldn’t deny that I too had felt something I badly wanted to tell him, even if I couldn’t clearly articulate it or push the words past my lips. Worse, if I said it, there would be no turning back.
28
JAKOB
“You’re in loo-o-ove.” Levi Dunn spoke in a sing-song voice that had more in common with a gossipy teenager girl than a six-foot-five, two-hundred-and-forty-pound hockey team enforcer.
I would’ve blushed a lot worse had any of our teammates been around to hear that suggestion. They would’ve piled on, creating a game-over scenario. As it was, I must’ve blushed a little, because I felt warm all over and struggled against the urge to look in the opposite direction.
