I dropped my head into my hands and focused on my breathing so that I wouldn’t vomit all over her. She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of the shit I’d done to her over the years.
Reaching down, I took her hand in mine. It was cold, but I searched for and felt her pulse.
“I’m sorry, Ash.”
Maybe the paramedics wondered what was up. Maybe they didn’t care as long as she continued breathing.
All I knew was, I had done this. And I was going to have to fix it.
* * *
Ashleigh
“Come on, it’ll be fun.”
It was early morning, and I’d gotten Marc out of bed. But with a good reason. When I’d woken up this morning, I saw it had snowed last night. I’d already checked that his school was closed for the day, which meant we had the whole day to sled. But even while I was holding the large round disk in front of me, Marc was eying me skeptically.
“I don’t think so,” he said, shaking his head.
“Hello? It’s a snow day. We’ve got the hill at the back of the property. You loved this last year.”
“Last year. When we were kids.”
I rolled my eyes. He was only fourteen. That was too cool for sledding? “We’re still kids, and you’re a dork. Fine, I’ll go by myself.”
Which I knew would totally work to convince him. Marc wouldn’t let me sled alone.
“Ugh. You’re such a freak. Wait here. I need to get my stuff.”
Leaving the disk outside, I stood inside the carriage house, which, sometimes for me felt more like home than the big house. This was where I ate dinner when my father was away on business. This was where I hung out with Marc when he said it was okay to hang out with him. This was where I came to see if George had baked some cookies for me.
Sometimes I wished things could be easier. Like, if we could all just live here together and I just visited my father whenever he wanted, which I doubted would be very often.
A few minutes later, a grumpy Marc stomped toward me in his boots and winter coat. He took both sled strings from me and pulled the disks behind us. I took a deep breath and coughed a little.
The cold air hurt my lungs, but I didn’t want Marc to be able to use that as an excuse to bail. I knew we were going to have fun, even if he was grumpy.
“Your father probably wouldn’t want you outside in the cold air,” he said, but he was still walking toward the part of the property where we could sled.
“He’s at work. He won’t know.”
“That’s not the point. If you have an attack or something, I’ll be blamed. I’m not supposed to be hanging around you.”
“You tell me all the time I’m too coddled and need to do more. This is me doing more.”
“Does it hurt?” he asked me. “The asthma? Like, when you’re sucking on your inhaler, does that hurt?”
I shook my head. “Not really. My chest gets tight is all. I have to really focus on my breathing, otherwise it can get away from me.”
“George said you’ve been hospitalized before.”
A few times. It was after the last time that Daddy pulled me out of school. “It’s been a few years now. I think I’m better.”
“Do you get scared, though? When it happens?”
I looked at him and nodded. It was the truth. I got real scared. When it felt like I didn’t know how to breathe.
“If your chest starts to get tight, let me know. We’ll take it easy.”
