Outside, the air is harsh and light rain paints the road in polka dots. Isn’t this how they do it in the movies? People run out into inclement weather to profess something, to say everything that’s in their soul.You have a daughter? Tell me about her. Because I know I have things to say too.I know the weather is grim and I’m not wearing a suitable coat, but I think I’m in love with you. I am so so sorry. I lied. I was wrong to do that. But I’m in love with you. I really hope that’s enough.
It doesn’t take Cameron long to see my figure by the car. He turns to the woman and the little girl and tells them to go inside. I notice Dad leant over the steering wheel, actually waving, the worst stakeout partner in the world.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Hey…’
I try to smile, to look kindly, to break the tension, but I can’t find the words. ‘Look… I…’
‘Josie Jewell, it’s a good name.’ He looks hurt, his eyes misted with an emotion I can’t quite read.
‘Is that your daughter?’ I ask.
He stops for a moment. ‘It is. That’s Erin.’
‘You never mentioned her.’
‘We’re going to have a conversation about the things we never told each other?’
We stop for a moment to let that sink in.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I’m sorry you found out about me in that way. It was a lie that just kept getting out of control. I’m still me, really. I just… How’s your dad?’
‘At the dentist, having a tooth replaced. His pride has taken the worst battering. The family hate me even more now. I didn’t think that was possible,’ he tells me, obviously hurt.
‘I am so so sorry…’
He pauses for a moment, not allowing himself to get too close to me. It’s like the reverse of all our interactions so far, this invisible wall between the both of us.
‘Look, Josie… Maybe we just jumped into this too soon, too quickly…’
A lump gets forged in my throat. Tell him. Tell him all those words you have saved up.
‘Was it a joke? You pretending to be someone else? Were you laughing at me the whole time?’ he asks me.
‘Never. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I just didn’t want to scare you off.’
‘I just don’t know what’s real now. First, Imogen and now this. I feel like an idiot…’
‘You’re not. I’m the idiot…’
He’s right. Maybe it was never real to start off with. It was two people in fancy dress playing make-believe, looking for distractions, escapism from real life.
‘So, is that woman your wife? Girlfriend?’ I ask, nervously.
‘She’s my ex. We share custody. I wouldn’t have lied to you like that.’
Not like I lied to you. My shame starts to peek through and I realise we might be done here. My dad needs to eat. That cereal bar won’t last him. I need to stop pretending this was anything more than it was. ‘Well, I just came here to apologise. That’s all. I know I’ve mucked up here, this was all me, and yeah… Just I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.’
I need to go now. Before this descends into really ugly crying and that’s not the last memory I want him to have of me. I turn and walk towards the car. He’s not following me, is he? He’s not. I open the car door.
‘Josie?’
I turn around swiftly. ‘Yes?’
‘Tell Fabio I said bye. All your family. Give them my best.’
Oh, yeah. About that… I give him one last look, before he turns around.
