There’s a little laugh of disbelief in the corner of the room. It’s Charlie.
‘Do you all know Charlie?’ I ask the room. ‘He’s new, studying management part-time and rotating around departments as Christmas rolls around, so please use him while you can. He’s eager to learn. Charlie, I sense you have a question about vegan condoms?’
Charlie has been standing in the shadows since he first entered the room. He still blushes to hear everyone talk so frankly about sex, but we’re also a female-dominated company, so I can tell he’s trying to separate his intimidation from his awe.
‘Are you telling me you can get plant-based johnnies? But they’re rubber?’ he asks, confused.
‘Traditional condoms are made of latex, which has a dairy protein in to soften the rubber,’ I explain.
‘So if you’re lactose-intolerant, you could be allergic to johnnies?’
‘Well, if you were vegan, would you actually eat cock?’ Michelle adds, making the women in the room snigger. Charlie looks petrified.
‘It’s an evolving market, Charlie. Condoms are becoming easier to use, biodegradable, less chemicals. And vegan, so we try to expand our products range when we can.’
He stands there wide-eyed, taking it all in. There is so much to teach you, kid. I don’t even know where to start.
‘Anything more, Pip?’ I ask her.
‘I tried out the candy cane condoms and they are hilarious… and minty, which is a new feeling. All the Christmas products are taking off, even the reindeer role play stuff, which, to be fair, I thought would never sell.’
I nod. Christmas is a major sales moment for us, though I’m not entirely sure how people gift our merchandise. I don’t know how you’d open a gift box (free if you spend over £40) filled with sex goodies in front of an elderly aunt. However, our sales always reach a peak, especially in naughty elf and sexy Santa lingerie. What do I want for Christmas? New socks, a roast dinner and better orgasms by the light of the Christmas tree.
‘How is postage, packing and delivery doing?’
I have a team of women who head up that department, three of whom are called Martha and who all mysteriously got pregnant at the same time two years ago. They all put their thumbs up, silently munching on my Biscoff doughnuts.
‘And marketing?’
My head of marketing is the wonderful Clara, who loves a sharp bob, an animated PowerPoint and a double-ended dildo with suction cups as she once told me at someone’s leaving drinks.
‘All going swimmingly. We got some mentions in some magazine features recently, especially in their gift recommendations articles. Ads are performing well with click-through and conversion rates up. Also, there was a production company who got in touch.’
This piques my interest as production company used to mean a lot of things in my parents’ previous line of work. ‘Production company?’ I ask, curiously.
‘For one of those mid-morning talk show things. Anyway, they’re planning for the new year and they asked if we had anyone who’d go on as a panellist to chat about sex and stuff.’
Michelle claps her hands excitedly. ‘Oooh, Josie – you’d be fantastic at that. You could be famous!’
I giggle under my breath, but I don’t think I’m made for the screen. I can think of someone who’d be perfect, though. ‘You know what, let me run that past my mum. It could tie in well with her charity work and she does a lot of public speaking along those lines.’
‘Plus, she knows the ins and outs of sex better than anyone,’ Michelle says.
Stifled laughter radiates through the room. I told you the innuendo came as standard. But Mum would be perfect for it, to advocate for sex and what we do. I can help her practise her spiel. It will give her something to spend her time on next to fretting over Sonny’s wedding.
‘Leave that with me, Clara. Look, you’re all doing marvellous work. Profits are up… it’s going to be a busy month, so let me know if you need my help. You know me, I’ll pitch in wherever. And also, if you haven’t replied yet to our New Year do invite, then let Michelle know, please. Families are very welcome.’
Everyone nods and smiles as they get up and filter out of the room. It’s a good team here and you start to love all of these people like family because you get to know them perhaps more intimately than a normal boss would.
‘You are such a good boss. I love being your assistant,’ Michelle effuses as we stand there in the empty conference room.
‘It’s the doughnut bribery, isn’t it? If I provided the normal glazed, you’d love me less…’
She winks at me as I move the box of disco dongs off the table and put them next to a box of crotchless knickers due to also be returned. Turns out they were crotchless but also only suitable for people with one leg.
‘Circling back to Cameron,’ Michelle mentions. ‘If there’s a spark there, you can work through all these things. Take him out for coffee, tell him who you are…’
‘Then watch him howl with laughter and run out the door?’ I reply.
