We both examine the brown smear marks on the photo closely. ‘That could be a burn mark or it could be…’ We keel over laughing.
I peer in the box, seeing an assortment of glittery vibrators suitable for a disco sex party. These are not in plastic bags, so I will assume Pamela has wiped them down or used gloves to handle them. I’ll have to write an angry letter to the manufacturer. I should also think about getting Pamela a bonus.
‘So, let’s recall what we have sold, full refunds and vouchers issued. Does anyone have one of these?’ I ask the room. This is a common line in this workplace. Please try what you want within reason. Don’t take a hundred dildos home and give them to your mates, though.
‘I did,’ Pamela says, plainly, which surprises me, but we don’t judge in this business. ‘It is the vibrating element inside, it heats the glitter, which is metallic. Maurice had a look and took one apart for us. He thinks it’s overheating, but it needs to be vibrating for at least fifteen minutes before it goes very hot.’
Maurice is Pamela’s husband. He makes model ships from scratch. I like to think that he’s got a dissected vibrator next to model replicas of some miniature ship cannons.
‘That’s very kind of Maurice to investigate, make sure you expense that for his time.’
She nods. ‘It just depends. Like if you’re having a quick session and using it on the outside of your body, then you’re fine, but I don’t want to think what would happen if you’re going for the long haul and then suddenly it’s like someone’s shoved a red-hot poker up your fanny.’
She’s so deadpan as she says it. I remember when she started – she walked into a wall at seeing a dildo as wide as a Pringles tube. Now it’s just part of her everyday. This is definitely better than biscuits, isn’t it, Pamela?
‘I’ll flag it, but thank you for investigating it properly so I have some detail. Keep putting the returned ones aside.’
‘I will. Also, while I’m here. I think that customer is still returning things to us, pretending they don’t work, but I suspect that he’s used them.’
‘Do I want to know why you think they’re being used?’
‘Can I expense a UV light to be sure?’
‘I’m going to say yes, but please don’t touch things without gloves.’
‘Oh, I wear the thick ones, the same ones I use for cleaning my loo,’ she mutters.
To my left, Pip, head of product development, sifts through the box. Pip is not shy in helping herself to goods, then coming into work and telling me about them. Such is the nature of our professional relationship that I know her husband likes a vice on his balls, amongst other things that sometimes make my morning biscuits stick in my throat.
‘Thank god, I didn’t take one of these. I don’t see the point in prettifying a penis with glitter. They’re ugly things as it is. This looks like a unicorn dong?’ Pip says.
‘I would feel weird putting that in me,’ adds Michelle, who used to be in actual porn.
‘Cosplayers, fantasy sex – there’s always a market for these sorts of things,’ I say, thinking about the many different people we provide for. ‘But health and safety first. I don’t need to hear someone’s burnt their house down with a vibrator that we sold. Pip, word on the Sugar Cube range?’
Pip winces, clinging on to a folder in her hands. The Sugar Cube range is a collaboration with a YouTube influencer who uses words such as ‘fleek’ and ‘reem’ in her professional emails. ‘It’s like drawing blood, Josie. She’s actually designed the sex toys, like a dildo thing she wants to put her name to.’
Pip reaches into the folder and retrieves something that’s been drawn in biro and possibly coloured in with crayon. The few of us in the room cock our heads to the side in wonder to work out which way up it’d go.
‘That looks like a Coke bottle with a bell-end?’ Michelle says. She’s not half wrong, which makes me worry about the sort of things this young influencer does to get herself off.
‘Why is there a plug on it?’ I ask.
‘Oh, it’s USB chargeable. She doesn’t believe in batteries.’
‘So if it’s dead, you need to sit by a laptop or a socket to pleasure yourself?’ I ask.
The room giggles, as is the way of our Monday meetings.
‘Josie, I’ve raised all of this with her. We hooked her up with the sex therapist for advice about ergonomics, but she ignores it all.’
‘Would you like me to touch base with her management?’
Pip nods slowly.
I grin back at her. ‘Anything else?’
‘The scented dildo range is taking off.’ I make a mental note to tell Tina, who openly mocked this. ‘We are doing some surveys about the new condom range. Feedback has been healthy, some complaints about the new Durex being a little tight and over-lubed. “Like wrestling with a goldfish,” said one of the comments. And people are really liking the increased vegan condom range.’
