‘I didn’t prepare anything for today. I didn’t think I was going to speak. And now look at me…’
He would love this. If he were here, he’d be leaning against that pillar over there to the back, arms crossed and wearing some battered old trainers.Come on then, Callaghan, spit it out. Tell us what you know.Joyce grips onto my arm that much tighter.
‘Loss is such a weird thing, isn’t it?’ I pause for a moment. ‘It’s broken my heart a thousand times over to not have Tom here any more. But… to have had him in my orbit for what time we did have was… perfection. And it’s terrible but those aren’t even my words. Those were Tom’s. In a letter given to me after his death. A letter that asked me to keep moving, that told me all his final thoughts, a letter that asked me to replace him with someone worthy, like Drake.’
I see my mother turn to Emma to ask,Who on earth is Drake?
‘I read it at least once a month. I hear him reading it to me. I ache with every word, I ache with loss. In that letter, he enclosed a ticket and he asked me to travel, just like he did. I did just that. I was really awful at it. I’m not adventurous like him. I’m really bad on planes actually. Really bad. But he knew exactly what I needed to do. I had to trace his steps, find all those other people who’d been in his orbit too. And slowly, those people all fell into my life. We were all brought together and a once empty heart slowly refilled again.’
Linh looks at me and nods.
‘And now that heart aches with many other things… pride, gratitude’ – I take a deep cleansing breath – ‘and love. I guess people do that. They come in and out of our lives. There will always be loss. But by that same measure, we also gain. I know that because of my girls, my family, my many wonderful friends. I know about love because I was loved by the best person there was. It was a pleasure, an honour and a gift to be his wife. It really was. So… yeah… thank you all for being here. And thank you, Tom…’
The Tom I imagine standing at the back of the room shakes his head.You’re just plagiarising that letter to a tee, eh? No imagination.I’m honouring your words, you tool. They are still the best words I know. The tears roll freely now. Am I making sense? It’s very quiet. A majority of people I know are sobbing lightly. I should have gone with humour. I don’t know whether to say more. Or less. Or raise a glass. Or just continue hugging Joyce. Her fragile face glows differently now. I’ve never said any of that out loud before. It was all some mashed-up monologue in my head, emotions that coursed through my veins.
‘Too much?’ I whisper in her ear.
‘Perfect. You sod, telling me you didn’t know how to speak in front of people.’
‘You sod, for crying like that and making me come up here.’
She laughs and holds me tightly. No more words now. That’s all there is to say. I look down at my girls who are watching me intently. Suddenly, a band strikes up to the right of us, in front of the building. Please don’t ask me to sing. It’sTom’s Theme. They kept in the flute. I need to pretend I like this, don’t I? I am glad for the boy with the tuba being given a moment to shine at least. Tom is still there, leaning against the wall. God, at least stand up straight, man. This is all for you. Don’t smirk. I know there’s a kid in that crowd who’s possibly a beat behind the others, someone who possibly needs retuning, but that’s for you. I just stood up here and spoke for you, to you, about you. You dick. Some reimagined apparition of Tom looks at me. Some happy version of him I hope has had a shower and put on clean socks. Go on, say something.
Who ordered all those sausage rolls?
You have to ask?
He looks at me for a moment and smiles. I smile back.
Well done, he mouths.
For what?
For surviving. You will be fine, Gracie. You’ll be just fine.
He turns to listen to the music, nodding over to the kids on their plastic chairs.Don’t look at me, look at them. Look how great I am that I now inspire music. Look at all these beautiful people. Look at you.I glance over and back at the place he was leaning. But when I do, he’s not standing there, he’s gone.
21
Hi. It’s Tom here. Major Tom. The one from last night. In the club. Just in case you were too drunk and don’t remember me. We kissed and we ended up in my room and you left a sock behind so I’m enclosing it here because socks should always remain together, right? I’m no good at being cool so I’ll say I like you and I am going to the Watershed tomorrow because there’s a special screening of ‘Juno’ and I bloody love that film. If you wanted to come along? We could get cheesy chips. I’m in Block A, Room 316. Drop by? Say hello? I have a sandwich toaster if that is going to help seal this deal xx
‘I’ve never seen Granny Fi cry before…’ Maya says, as I tuck her into bed that night. ‘Her nose went very red. Was she all right?’
I nod, cupping my hands around her face and kissing her on the forehead. We all had a bit of a sob today, didn’t we? Aunty Beth cried so much, she was worried she’d broken her waters (turns out it was wee but we won’t talk about that). It was that sort of afternoon; the tears flowed, all laced with this strange cocktail of emotions that enveloped the event. However Tom made you feel, it was a time to express it, an open forum for us to get all that emotion out into the world before we wiped those tears away and went back to what we were doing. Maya studies my eyes.
‘I don’t know if you’re happy or sad, Mama,’ she mumbles.
Who knows? Another set of Cleo-sized arms reaches around my neck to ambush me from behind and prolong this night-time routine but I’ll admit to not minding so much. I pretend to eat her fingers and hear her giggle, hanging off my back. It’s a moment of quiet and normal that makes me sigh deeply. I can’t explain the last few weeks but this is what I’d like to go back to please: this new normal of us three against the world.
‘All I know is that you two girlies make me very happy and proud. You were very well-behaved today,’ I mention.
‘That’s because Ba Linh gave us sweets.’
‘Of course.’
A worry strikes through me for a moment that they were party to all of that today, though. Maybe I wasn’t careful enough, protective enough. Was it all too much? But my mind is taken back to a time when I was first introduced to both of them. Just two little girls I met on my travels, connected to myself and Tom in some way. They were so chatty but limited to Vietnamese and bits of French so we gabbled away nonsensically and they played with my hair and I remember that glow, that way we were attracted to each other like magnets, some small semblances of love growing at the roots. A night when we all fell asleep together in a row, huddled next to other like cats. We were all tainted by grief but it didn’t seem to define them. I remember how amazed I was by that, the sheer wonder of their resilience. It wasn’t even armour, it was youth, it was the fact the worst thing had happened but there was still a path out of that for them, a path that led them to me.I do bloody love you two. It’s deep and maternal but it’s so determined to do the right thing by you.
‘I’m sorry if it’s been a bit busy here in the last few months. I think things might calm down now.’
