I try and wind my mind back to whether he means in a fiscal sense. Or is this a sexual thing? As lovely as he has been this evening, I really don’t think I can summon up that mood.
‘You know I’m sorry I haven’t seen that much of you since we went out with Ellie… I’ve been slammed,’ I explain.
‘It’s cool. I get it. Busy times and then your sister got married.’
‘Yeah. I wasn’t sure whether to invite you. It was a small thing anyway and I don’t think I’m ready to introduce you to the whole clan yet.’
His eyes widen as I say this. Introducing anyone to your family, never mind one as intense as mine, is quite a relationship milestone. I didn’t mean to scare him. But he did say he loved me by WhatsApp though and ended with a double kiss. At the same time he also sends me pictures of his cock so that’s by the by. I guess what lingers is the sense of whether we’re going to go next level with this relationship. Orlagh knows, and there’s also a little tribe of kids to factor in. We always agreed this is casual but where are we going?
‘I mean, I miss you but we’ve been in touch with the odd message, meme. I think it’s also been good for me to figure some things out on my own too,’ he says quietly into the twilight.
‘Such as?’
‘Orlagh broke up with Jordan. She’s been living with her mum but she’s been messaging me a lot, thinking about reconciling perhaps?’
My heart flutters as he says that. I had an inkling. Not that I want to compete with his ex-wife but I worry for him. They are flutters of pure panic.
‘And every time I get a message, do you know what I think?’
‘You’re taking a fucking liberty?’ I say.
He laughs loudly, then adjusts his volume to ensure he doesn’t wake up the rest of the house.
‘I just think,you’re not Grace.’
It’s my turn for my eyes to widen.
‘Because you’re… in love with me?’ I whisper slowly.
‘God, no… I mean… What I want to say is… you’re a really decent person, Grace. You’re kind. Orlagh is not kind. What she did to me was not kind, in any shape or form. And when it comes down to it, you just ask yourself if you want someone in your life like that again.’
My flutters subside. He’s worked it out for himself. I think of Emma for a second. Her first husband was a complete and utter bellend and look at her now, lying next to a new husband, a man we all adore and root for in every way. It can happen but Sam needed to work that out for himself.
‘Well, I am glad. And thank you… I don’t deal with compliments very well.’
‘I know. I’d say something nice to you in bed and you’d hide under the duvet.’
‘I’ve done it for years. Tom hated it.’
He smiles. It’s not like he doesn’t know who Tom is but I think he was aware he was always competing with someone else when it came to me, someone who wasn’t even there for him to swim into at a local lido.
‘So, what do you think you’ll do then?’ I enquire.
‘I think I need to be single for a while, exorcise the ghost of her, learn how to co-parent.’
‘That sounds wise.’
‘I think I’m going to take up rowing. Is that weird? Does that make me sound like I’m having a complete middle-aged breakdown?’ he asks. ‘I thought, let’s do something that Orlagh wouldn’t let me do. Embrace my freedom for a bit.’
‘Go for it. Watch out for Weil’s disease though. You can catch it from river water. Keep your mouth closed,’ I advise.
He nods. We sit there quietly, sipping our respective drinks. There’s a feeling I can’t quite put my finger on. This may be it. Whatever this was. A brief romantic interlude to fill the time and heal our wounds. Yet I don’t feel sadness here. I can’t be sad. Neither of us are ready for relationships. He just has to start rowing.
‘And the whole “love you” thing. What I meant to say was, Orlagh broke me when she left, she really did. And then you came along and made things better again. So maybe not love in the traditional way, but what you’ve offered me is friendship and companionship in a really lonely time and, however this ends up, I will always love you for that.’
I am not sure why but the honesty of his words, the sweetness of it all, the very early hour, make me tear up. He looks mortified that he’s made me sad.
‘I’m not sure what I just said. It’s very early and I watched too much of that chess show.’
