“You criticized my sweatshirt this morning, then asked if I planned to put on ‘a little makeup’ before going to the store to buy Oreos.” I used quote fingers arounda little makeupin case it wasn’t clear that I was imitating her.
Mom tilted her head from side to side as if trying to find a way to claim that she hadn’t done those things. Unlike Dad, she didn’t seem crushed, or even totally convinced that I was right, but I could tell that I’d gotten her to think about the possibilitythat she could be wrong, which might be as close as I was going to get today.
She exchanged glances with Dad, the two of them communicating silently in the way that people who have been married for more than twenty years can. Finally, she sighed. “Jamie, I think I can speak for both your father and myself when we say that we are sorry. Our goal was never to make you feel trapped or like the odd one out.”
“We wanted to support you and your siblings’ passions. Your BamBam did that for me. She was hard on me, but sacrificed to make sure I had everything to chase my dreams, pushed me to be my best even when I didn’t think I could be. We wanted to do that for you, too. You were good at math, so we followed that, the same way that we encouraged your brother in science and your sister in, well…” Dad frowned, then admitted, “More math. Sometimes, when the only tool you have is a hammer, everything becomes a nail. Your mother and I had numbers, and evidently it became our hammer with you and your future.”
I laughed at the bizarre way he managed to stretch the metaphor, even as my throat started to tighten.
“And we cannot tell you how sorry we are that we’ve made you feel like a disappointment. It’s no excuse, but I grew up with a tremendous amount of pressure to be put together. My family didn’t have much money. My parents tried to make up for that by maintaining appearances.” Mom sniffed as she sorted through her own painful memories. “It was a different era. I didn’t want to pass that on to you kids, but clearly, I didn’t do as good of a job as I’d hoped.”
“I’m sure the nickname didn’t help,” Dad said, scooting over and wrapping an arm around Mom, pulling her into him until she leaned on his shoulder. “The point is, we have reasons why we did the things we did, but none of those reasons was ever intended to hurt you.”
It wasn’t that I didn’t know all this about my mom or dad. BamBam had said as much in Las Vegas, but I’d never heard them say it before. All their rules and plans had always seemed arbitrary. Like they’d made decisions about my life without me. It turns out, they thought they were making them with me this whole time.
In a way, it wasn’t that different from what I’d done to Ethan. Only, when he asked me to make the decision with him, I didn’t listen.
“I think I knew that.” A big soggy tear rolled down my face, and I swiped at it.
“I wish this were the kind of thing that you didn’t have to think you knew. Love and support are the kinds of things you want your kid to know unconditionally.” Mom’s voice wobbled. Unlike me, she did not use the edge of her clothing to wipe away tears, instead opting to pat under her eyes with her index finger in order to keep her makeup in place.
Dad squeezed Mom’s shoulder. Running his free hand over his face, he said, “Jamie, it would be a lie to say that your mom and I can change overnight. But what I can promise you is that we are willing to work on easing the pressure off you if you are willing to give us a chance. Can you give us a chance?”
“Yes.” My voice sounded small, and I made sure to nod asbig as possible to make up for it. Relief flooded Mom’s face as Dad exhaled slowly, his expression still pained. The three of us stared at each other and then laughed. Objectively, we all had puffy eyes and sounded a little pathetic, but we’d made it through the hard part. Sort of.
“Since we are making some changes…” I hedged, just to see how they’d respond. I didn’t need to have all my hard conversations with them today. I just needed to open the door to the idea of another one soon. “About the no-dating rule—”
“We’ll talk about that specific restriction later. Give us time to adjust to this one first.” Dad grinned big and leaned forward to tap my knee as he said, “Can I politely suggest a hug? No pressure.”
I snorted. “Yes. You can have a hug.” I unfolded my legs so I could stand up, then immediately flopped down onto the couch between the two of them. Wrapping one arm around each of them, I added, “But only because you asked nicely.”
My parents piled on top of me then, all three of us laugh-crying. Finally, Dad freed himself, while Mom continued to hug me, stroking my hair like she had when I was little. Then Dad said, “May I make one more polite suggestion?”
“If it is asking me to minor in math so I have a backup plan, then no,” I ribbed him. Next to me, I could feel Mom shaking with laughter.
“That wasn’t my suggestion, though it’s a good one,” Dad said, then immediately held his hands up when Mom and I groaned. “Kidding.”
“What’s your suggestion, Leon? Tread carefully.” Mom used her warning voice.
“Jamie, I know your mother and I aren’t telling you what to wear anymore, but that sweat suit is about ready to get up and walk away on its own.”
“You borrowed this from your brother’s room, and I don’t think it was clean.” Mom scrunched her nose. “We can wash it, and you can put it back on if you want. Or we can get you your own sweat suit. Then you’ll never have to worry about smelling like your brother again.”
“I think I’m done with wallowing clothes for now,” I said, giving the sweatshirt a sniff. “I’m gonna go get in the shower.”
“That’s my girl.” Dad smiled at me.
“Before I go, I have one more request.”
“And that is?” Mom asked.
“Can I have one more hug?”
“I think we can do that,” Dad said.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I reached for the doorknobto BamBam’s apartment, then hesitated. In the shower, still all warm and fuzzy over the conversation with my parents, the thought of telling BamBam about Ethan had seemed like a small hill to climb. But now that I was standing at her doorstep, about to admit to lying, sneaking around, and general deceitfulness in the arms of her nemesis’s grandson, I felt like I was standing at the base of Mount Everest without enough oxygen to make it to the top.
