But as soon as I say it, I realize what she means. The cactus has two small protrusions—I don’t know what else to call them—near its base, and it’s approximately the length and diameter of, well, an erect penis.
An erect penis with spikes.
“Really?” she says. “You have no idea—”
“I figured it out.”
“I’m buying it for you. I shall call it Joey.”
“Why Joey?”
“Dunno. Just looks like a Joey to me.”
That makes no sense. “I will not let you buy me a phallic cactus named Joey.”
Well, there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say in my life.
“Come on,” she says. “I’m supposed to be teaching you how to have fun.”
“Owning a cactus is fun?”
“I think so. Especially a cactus that looks like this. It’ll be a great conversation starter, don’t you think?”
“First of all,” I say, “if I get a cactus, I’m putting it in my home office or bedroom, where I do not have any guests.”
“Really? You don’t have any guests in your bedroom?”
Not in a while, no. It would be a different story if Courtney had decided she wanted to have fun with me in the only way I know how to have fun.
Her face is turning a delightful shade of pink now, and oh, I want her to look like that because she’s underneath me and my fingers are slipping inside her.
The air in the store is suddenly very hot—the sort of environment a cactus would like.
I swallow. “Second of all, I won’t let you pay for anything this weekend. If anyone’s buying a phallic cactus, it’s me.”
She brightens. “So you’ll get the cactus?”
“If you insist.”
Dear God, I don’t know how I’m going to survive the next two weeks.
I walk to the cash register and the woman behind the counter tilts her head and studies me. “You look familiar. Wait... I know. You’re Julian Fong, aren’t you?”
Yeah, somebody recognized me while I was buying Joey the Phallic Cactus.
* * *
We’re in Leslievillenow, walking down Queen Street, and I’m carrying a cactus.
“Let’s go to my favorite gelato place,” Courtney says.
“We can’t have gelato. We already had pineapple buns. That’s enough dessert for today.”
“There’s nothing wrong with having two treats a day every now and then. Do you always live by such rigid rules?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.” I shake my head. “Which is why I need your help. So, sure, we can have gelato.” Even though it feels wrong, but then again, buying a phallic cactus also felt wrong, and I’ve already done that and the world hasn’t ended. Not quite.
“You’ll love this place. It’s the best.”
