“Forty-eight,” I repeat.
“Forty-eight. It’s easy to think of gifts for you, but...” He pulls a pen out of his pocket, as well as a small spiral notebook with flowers on the cover. “Maybe this is the most important. You’re going to tell me what I should do when you need support, which things will help in different situations. I promise, I’ll do whatever you need, and I promise, it’s not a hardship for me to do so. We just need a strategy, and you’re in control of that, not me. I’m not going to tell you that you have to try every new drug that’s been developed in the past five years, or that you should subject yourself to electroshock treatments. You’re the expert on your health, not me. I do think maybe we could investigate psychotherapy options that might not have been available to you before, but you can say no. It’s fine. You...” He cups my cheek. “You’ve lived with this for a long time, and I think it’s amazing how you’ve managed to make the best of it and enjoy your life. But it doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship. You can have me, and I promise to always be there for you. I’m sorry I got angry at you the other night, but I will do better and I think—Iknow—we can make it work.” He manages a small smile. “I do not fail.”
I feel vulnerable and raw and... I can’t explain everything I feel, but I want to burst into tears and grin at the same time.
“You don’t have to worry about me working all the time,” he continues. “I’ve been a bit better since my forced vacation, and my dad is going to come back to work two days a week to help me.”
I shake my head. “He doesn’t have to do that.”
“He wants to. My mom wants him to. I don’t think men like my father enjoy total retirement. He couldn’t work right after his heart attack, but he’s healthy now, and he’s driving my mom nuts at home. It’s not like he’ll be working full-time.” Julian slips his hands through my hair. “Tell me we can try again, Courtney. I think you’re wonderful. You did what everyone in my family thought was impossible: you kept me away from the office for more than two weeks and taught me how to have fun.”
“That’s hardly a miracle.”
“I disagree. I was missing so much...until I met you. I love you.” He fumbles with something in his pocket and then holds up a promise ring. It’s white gold with a star made of small diamonds. “I promise I will not leave you. I will always be there for you, and I will always listen to you. You don’t have to worry about this ending.” He holds the ring to the tip of my ring finger. “May I?”
I nod, and he slides it on.
“It’s okay,” I whisper to myself. “I can do this.” I look up at him. “That’s how I talk to myself when I’m overwhelmed.”
“And you’re overwhelmed now—”
“In a good way. Don’t worry.” I wrap my arms around him. “I love you, too, and I deserve to love and be loved in return.”
It’s a big step for me to say those words.
We hold each other for a minute, and then he dips his head at the same time as I tilt my head up. We kiss slowly, savoring each other.
Even though Naomi put the idea in my head a few days ago, it’s still hard to wrap my mind around it all. I can have this, even though I told myself for a decade that I couldn’t. My depression hasn’t been solved, but with Julian, I’m less scared of the next few months. I have him as well as my sister, and I have other people who will be there, too.
I am so lucky.
And I will be okay.
We’ll have many more gingerbread lattes and pineapple buns. We’ll bake chocolate chip cookies and eat the dough. We’ll go on vacations—probably fancy ones, since Julian can afford it, not that I care, as long as I get to travel. Late-night conversations. Middle-of-the-night sex.
I’m still overwhelmed at the thought of all the things we’ll do together, all the great moments we’ll share.
And even when things aren’t great, we’ll have each other.
I pick up the notebook and pen, which Julian has placed on the coffee table, and stare at the blank paper, tears blurring my vision.
He thinks I’m the one who performed a miracle, but he did, too. He made me believe in myself in a way I never could before. He showed me that I’m a pretty damn amazing and desirable woman.
I have a CEO boyfriend now, and that might seem like the stuff of fairy tales, but I don’t doubt we are right for each other.
“Could we do this later?” I ask, flipping through the blank pages of the notebook.
“Of course.”
I climb onto his lap and bury my head against his shoulder. It’s such a pleasure to be held like this, but there’s something that would make it even better.
I grab the package of gingersnaps from the table. I take one out, break off a piece, and feed it to him, and then he feeds the rest of it to me.
“Everything’s better with gingersnaps,” I say, but the truth is...
He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear before saying exactly what I was thinking.
“Everything’s better with you.”
