“There’s always a choice,” I tell him.
“I was doing good, too—before you came along and ruined it all for me.”
“Are you sure I ruined it, Elijah?” I ask him slowly. “Or are you just looking for someone to blame?” Elijah makes a strangled sound at the back of his throat, and I hear him sniffle.Oh, fuck. “Eli? Flip over.”
“No.”
“Do it,” I growl, tugging on him until he’s turning to face me. “Show me that pretty face, Beloved.”
“Don’t call me that.” He hiccups, covering his mouth as a sob escapes him.
I watch, equal parts transfixed and horrified as tears track down his cheeks. “Please don’t cry, Elijah,” I whisper, then lean in and kiss his tears away slowly, my lips trailing over slick skin. “I can’t stand it.”
“You have to leave me alone, Azriel,” he says through trembling lips, and I shake my head quickly, because no way in hell am I doing that. “Please. I need to repent. I need?—”
“You need me.”
“Why do you even want me?” he spits, face turning angry. “I’m tainted. Dirty. Defiled.”
I frown. “You’re none of those things.”
“Yes, I am,” he says through gritted teeth. “There’s something seriously wrong with me, and I need to purge it out of me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Elijah,” I growl, getting frustrated. My hand buries itself into his hair, and I yank his head back, forcing his tear-filled, deep blue eyes to connect with my own. “You’re perfect just the way you are. In every way. There’s not one thing about you I’d change. So fuck what anyone else thinks or says.”
“Easy for you to say,” he whispers, lips trembling, eyes closing, and more tears spilling over wet cheeks.
It physically pains me to see him this way, and I feel something ugly festering inside of me. Anger—athim. At everyone who’s ever had anything negative to say about him.
“Listen to me, Elijah,” I say with conviction. “These people have brainwashed you. You really think what’s in the bible is real? God didn’t write that—men did. Men who wanted us all to follow their rules without question. They want sheep, and you’re not a sheep. Youcan’tbe.”
“Whynot?” he asks softly, eyes finally focused back on mine.
“I won’t let you,” I say through gritted teeth, hand sliding to the back of his head and bringing him closer to me until my forehead is pressed against his, and our lips brush. “You’re mine now, and I won’t let you be lied to anymore.”
Elijah’s lips quiver against mine ever so slightly. “I’m yours?”
“Mine,” I whisper, kissing his bottom lip when his lips part at my admission. “And you’re never escaping me. So stop trying.”
“Promise me,” he demands. “Swear you won’t leave me. Even when it’s hard.”
“I won’t leave you,” I tell him. “Even when it’s hard—I swear it.”
Elijah crashes his lips to mine, whimpering when I thrust my tongue into his mouth, and I seal our bodies together once more. It’s when he melts into me that I realize the magnitude of the situation. He’s been shamed and cast out his entire life, and it’sgoing to take another lifetime to fix all the damage they’ve done. I need to get him out of here. Now.
I just don’t know if he’ll ever be open to it.
I’m shaking head to toe in this confession booth. I should’ve never asked Father Jacob to give me a few minutes of his time, because now I’ve realized I don’t really want to talk. If I tell him, if I admit to what I’ve done, I might as well pack my bags and leave. I won’t be welcome here anymore, and that would mean losing everything. A lifetime of community, of belonging, but also a lifetime of shame. I shake my head, trying to dispel those thoughts from my brain, but it’s useless.
Father Jacob is silent on the other side of the booth, and the mesh separating us doesn’t make me feel more at ease if I’m being honest with myself. Instead, it has me trembling and filling me with doubt. Why would I do this to myself? To Azriel? He doesn’t deserve this, right? He swore to me that he’d never desert me, yet here I am doing it to him.
No.
I can’t do it.
Clearing my throat, I shake my head and wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans. “I made a mistake?—”
“Tell me about your mistake,” Father Jacob says calmly, though I know he’s just pretending. I’m nothing to him. Just another mouth to feed in this seminary. “I’m here to listen, Elijah.”
