“No shit. A life coach isn’t the same as someone who will scream at you until you get it perfect. I hear that’s what you’re doing now.” I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Baseball? Really?”
“And track and field.” He laughed easily. “I love it, but it’s hard when you’re a single dad. Mom watches the kids every day and I hate that I have to rely on her so much. She says she doesn’t mind. It’s what a grandma does, but I hate that she has to.” He groaned and glanced to the right. “Awesome.”
Our waiter set the frothy mugs down on the table in front of us. “Are you ready to order?”
“Sorry, we haven’t even glanced at the menu yet.” I winked at him, and he grinned widely.
“No worries, just wave at me when you’re ready.”
“Thanks.”
Tim narrowed his eyes and smirked. “That’s enough of me bitching. I mean, that’s most of it anyway. I like being a coach.” He grinned. “Remember how old Coach Sanders used to scream at us and call us sissies? I don’t do that shit. He was a real nightmare. I want my kids to have fun and be their best – whatever that means.”
“Of course, you don’t do that shit. I haven’t thought about him in a long time – old bastard. He was as much my problem as anything back then. No wonder I turned into a fuck nut. I liked playing football, but he made every day a nightmare with the way he would berate us and call us the most homophobic bullshit.” I pushed the anger back down that I worked through in therapy. The beginning of all of my problems was the first day of practice, and I knew that the coach was talking about me when he called us names. I know he didn’t know, but he still did it.
“I have two gay boys on the baseball team, and one I am pretty sure will come out as Bi before he graduates. It’s a new world, my brother, and it’s only been ten years.” He raised his glass, and I grabbed mine before we clicked them together.
“It’s better.”
“Sure, as shit is.”
“Except for Pam.”
“Fuck Pam.”
“No, thank you.” I scrunched my face up at the thought of it.
“I’ve always wondered something, Ben. You never had a semi-serious girlfriend in high school. Did you only do that because of Coach?”
“You’re catching on fast. I don’t know why I never really told you. But, yeah. I came out in college. I started therapy my freshman year because I was just so miserable. Once, after a really good conversation with my student therapist in training, I looked in the mirror at my dorm room, and it all just came flooding in. Everything I had done – the way I had treated people – and I just swallowed it like a black hole. I mean, I knew why I was so… angry and scared – but I was too full of shame to admit it back then. I had to get away from Coach and this place so I could truly come to terms with myself. I really wish I could have been braver. Things would have been really different.” It was still hard to talk about with someone from my past. I wasn’tashamed of being gay. It was just something I never felt the need to share with people I barely ever saw. Tim was the only person that I really stayed in contact with, and I should have told him. Just another truth I withheld for my own reasons.
“You might have been happy.” He shrugged. “Well, as happy as someone who is in high school, which is… Let me tell you, buddy, happy is what it’s all about. I’m glad you finally told me.”
“Thanks. I'm sorry.… I should have told you earlier.” I knew it was true. He had always stuck by me, no matter what. “Are you happier now that… it’s over?”
“I’m in a good place with the divorce. I tried – we couldn’t. The only regret I have is for my kids, man. Besides, the Basin is small, but I now have options. Some of the options I never really even thought about before.” He smirked. “Can I ask you a question? When did you know that you were gay?” He didn’t whisper, but he dropped his voice.
“The summer before ninth grade. I kissed a boy, and we… fooled around, and it… It should have been this great thing, you know? It was this momentous thing as we were… you know… but then everything shifted. Coach called us sissies on that first day of practice. Fuck, he even used the F-word, dude. It… I just buried it and hoped no one would know.”
“All that came from a kiss?” He chuckled. “Must have been some kiss?”
“I mean, looking back on everything – no. I was always gay. I just didn’t really know how to… I was into sports, and that was all I really thought about – until that kiss.” The memory of Percy’s lips on mine flooded back into me and filled me with the need it always did whenever I thought about it. He had haunted me ever since, and I had hardened my heart to dispel it.
He leaned in. “I’ve been in a flirtation-ship with someone recently that… I don’t know.”
“Oh, someone and not a girl…” I whispered.
“I might be bi? I might not be. But I do find him stimulating and fun to talk to.”
“Have you… uh… masturbated and thought about him?” I grinned wickedly. “Cause if so…”
He laughed loudly. “Dude! Who the fuck has time to knock one out. I have two kids under seven years old. They get scared of monsters and crawl into bed with me before I ever get a chance to brush my teeth, much less strangle the one-eyed willie.”
“Well, in my experience, if you do and can… then maybe you are? I don’t know. It’s not really an exact science, bro.” I chuckled. “Do I know him?”
“Definitely. You used to treat him like shit.”
“I’ve already admitted that I treated everyone like shit, but you mean… Percy, don’t you?” My stomach clenched with jealousy.
