“I don’t plan on letting you up anytime soon. We can stay like this all day. Do you want to come over to Mom’s for dinner tonight? She’s making chicken divan, and I think that was one of your favorites.” I didn’t want to let him out of my sight for whatever time I had left here. I’d have to go back after the new year and figure out what it was I wanted to do. Even if I turned this coaching job down, I still had a life I wanted to live.
Where did I want to be? It wasn’t like I really needed to keep working if I was smart with my money. If I stayed in Los Angeles, well, I’d have to be smarter if I wanted it to last. LA was so fucking expensive.
But if I moved back home to Kenny, my money could last me for the rest of my life. Kentucky was not an expensive place to live, and I could travel the world and see all of the things I had always wanted to see but never had the time for. If I wasn’t tied down to the team any longer… Kenny and I could live like kings, couldn’t we? Not to mention, we would be here in the place where all of our family was. I had missed Hardin. After being here, I felt it in my core.
I stroked Kenny’s hair. It felt like velvet. My heart beat with a thunderous reminder that this was what I wanted. It was what I had been missing for too long.
“I can’t play baseball anymore.” It was better to just rip the fucking band-aid off.
He tensed underneath me.
“What?”
God, it felt good to say this out loud. “It’s ok, Kenny. I’m… I’m not happy about it, of course. But facts are facts. I knew as soon as the ball left my hand that I had really injured myself. The surgery was successful, and the rehabilitation was, too, for anyone else. But as a pitcher… The muscles didn’t heal the way they should have. If I continued throwing, like I always have, according to the doctor, I wouldn’t recover the next time. It would be over. I lost rotation.”
“I’m so sorry.” His voice broke with the heaviness of his understanding. “What does that mean? I… besides you not…”
“Being able to play?” I huffed and exhaled sharply.
“I don’t even know what to say, Jax. All you’ve ever wanted, for your entire life, was to be a pitcher.”
“I also wanted other things.” I kissed the top of his head again. “I’m not just a dumb jock.”
“You were never dumb. But you were always a jock. I mean, baseball has been your… identity for as long as I’ve known you. It’s your passion.”
“One of my passions – yeah, I know.”
“So, if you’re not playing…” He tensed and scooted up against me – his head next to my own. “Are you ok?”
“I had… been prepared, I guess. I mean, no, I’m not really ok – but I am, and that’s the weird thing that I find hard to process. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t healing correctly. At first, they told me that therapy was going to fix it. Then when therapy wasn’t getting the right results, and my improvement wasn’t what they had hoped for, it was a different kind of PT that really pushed me harder. But I knew it wasn’t right. I miss the feel of the ball in my hand, Kenny. But I wasn’t shocked when the news finally came down.” It had still been hard to hear. Seeing all of my hopes and dreams – my future shattered because of one fastball that almost broke the world’s record for speed. That snap was a reminder that I wasn’t Superman. I was just a mortal with a passion that could be taken away with the flick of a wrist.
“That’s… hard, Jax. I’m so sorry. I know how much it means to you.” His hand caressed my chest. I moaned softly.
“Now I have to find something else, I guess. I’ll always love baseball, but I can’t play anymore.”
“Did they drop you?”
“Well, that’s the thing. They haven’t, not really, anyway. They asked me to be on the pitching staff. It would be an assistant coach position. I… I’m not sure how I feel about that.” I sighed. It felt good to be able to talk to someone who knew me and cared about me. My new life had been surrounded by, yes people who cared about the amount of money I brought in.
“It would still be in the game, Jax. Could you really walk away from being involved in the majors? It was your dream and…”
“And I lived my dream. It may have only been for five seasons, but I was there, and I got to do it, you know? Why would I want to stay and watch others do what I no longer can?”
“You would be an amazing coach, though. If that’s what you want to do. Think of how you could help other players become more than they ever dreamed of.” His voice was so calm and steady, but you could feel the passion underneath the words.
“You think so?”
“I do. You care a lot, Jax. You always have. You have a big heart.” He kissed me on the cheek and leaned his head against mine.
“This isn’t dealing with children, Kenny. It’s pompous assholes most of the time. I mean, these are already the best of the best. Most graduated college, so even the young ones are almost my age. But most of them are older. How do you think they would feel having me tell them what to do? Most of them, the ones already on the team, anyway, were mad as hell that I became the star pitcher, and they got overlooked. I don’t think I could stand their smirks.” Few of them had even called to check on me when I got hurt. They just stepped up and lost most of the games.
“You were always good with kids, though. Maybe you create a baseball charity or something to help kids?”
“Whoa there, baby. One thing at a time.” I laughed – the emotions I held back threatened to break free. Coaching kids was one thing. Hell, it would probably be something I would enjoy, but that wasn’t in the cards for me. I couldn’t coach a team unless it was the little league. I had no experience. There wasn’t a college that would even take me seriously as a head coach.
“It’s a shame. You would be really good at it. You know all there is to know about the game.”
“Thanks to your dad. He’s still the best coach I ever had.” More than that – he was so much more.
