“I would too. I’m just hoping that he’s healed and can start pitching again. My dad will lose his mind when I tell him he’s back in Hardin,” Jacob added.
“He has a lot of fans, and most of the ones around here remember him from when he was just a boy. The same way they will with all of you.”
“The joys of living in a small town.” Amber stood up and started scooting her desk over to her friend Janet’s.
“That is so true,” I said under my breath. “Looks like peer review it is. I’ll be over here, and let me know if you have any questions I can help with.”
I sat down at my desk as the scooting of desks rang throughout the small room. Books opened, and most of the kids started doing what was asked of them. A few of the boys were too excited to do much studying, but at this point, that would be on them if they didn’t do the work.
Jax?
I was going to get more time with Jax, and that created a melodrama inside my head. I wanted – hell, I craved it. There couldn’t be a thing between us still. I knew that. Five years was a long time, and after what I did… How I walked away without giving him a chance to do it his way was something I knew in my heart we would never be able to overcome.
But what if we did?
We weren’t the same stupid and scared kids we were back then. We both had to grow up, and I knew that we did it with broken hearts. I had been wrong. I knew that even if I made the best decision at the time. Jax was my everything, and to think I might be the reason he couldn’t achieve his dreams had made me crazy and irrational. It was probably the best choice at the time. No. It was the easiest choice. The best choice would have been to trust in us to get through whatever it was together. That’s what he wanted, and I took that choice away from him.
I was a stupid altruistic idiot. I knew I would suffer, but I hoped he would excel as he went into the majors. I knew now he suffered just as much as I did. Maybe more? He was thrown into a new world all alone. I should have been there with him.
If I could take it all back – I would.
But what’s done is done, and now I had to live in the wreckage I caused. I had been living in it – wallowing even in my own pathetic existence.
Did I have a chance to make this right?
Did we have a chance?
By the time the bell rang, I didn’t even clean up the classroom. I locked the door and walked quickly to where I knew he would be waiting. Jax waiting for me…
Maybe there was hope after all.
7
JAX
“I’m really glad you two talked. This thing with y’all’s been hanging heavy on my heart ever since it happened.” Coach used his serious voice.
“I know. I think it weighed heavily on us too. He’s… he really hasn’t changed much, has he?” I hadn’t been able to stop thinking of Kenny ever since I saw him in that stupid dressing room. His mostly naked body played over and over again in my dreams last night. I woke up harder than I had in years.
“Well, I think he’s changed in the same way that you have. He’s grown up and looks at the world differently than he did before. I know the same can be said for you. Honestly, son, I’m just glad that fame and fortune didn’t change you – didn’t think it would. You’ve always been grounded.” The way Coach Criss looked at me filled me with a warmth that I had missed. It was nice to see the man who had become like a father to me again. Being back here hadn’t been nearly as difficult as I had imagined. In fact, it had been an experience that made me think about my own future.
“That first year was… Not many pitchers get signed and start as fast as I did.”
Coach laughed. “Nope. You were in the right place at the right time with an arm they couldn’t deny.”
I grinned at the old man. “It was… It went straight to my head for a bit, and I got cocky. But I never let myself really enjoy it or revel in the life I was privileged to live, cause… You know…”
“Cause you had a broken heart and a secret that was eating away at you.” Coach sighed and leaned back in his chair. “I know how hard that’s been on you, and I still stick with the advice I gave you when you asked me about it before college. Living a lie is hard on a man, Jax. If you deny those inherent parts of yourself and put on a mask for the world – no one knows you, and you know no one.”
“I wish that Kenny would have come to you before he decided what was best for me.” I sighed. “I had been ready to…”
“I know, son. Kenny was going to do whatever he thought best for you and only for you. Trust me – he suffered because of it. He ain’t been happy since the moment he walked away, and it’s stunk not being able to do a damn thing to make it any better.” The tone of Coach’s voice told me how serious it had been.
“Yeah… If he would have just been brave enough to believe in me…”
“My son is a lot of things, but you were always the brave one, Jax. He doesn’t show it – but Kenny’s been scared of one thing or another his whole life. He wouldn’t have been able to handle it if you lost everything because of him. You know that. I think you knew it then.” He crossed his arms and looked at me in a way that made me feel like a child again.
“It didn’t help, though. It was easier to be mad at him than try to understand him at the time. I’m seeing it all a little more clearly, now. Being home has…” It had me start to fall for him all over again, and that scared the hell out f me and excited me in a way that scared me even more.
