They were on me.
“So, about this abysmal dating life of yours?” I asked as I answered the next question. The answer was The Medici’s, in case you were wondering. I’ll let you google the question. “Your last date was bad?”
He laughed. “Don’t you need to concentrate?”
“I can do more than one thing at a time, Calvin. I know you have a low opinion of me and jock-kind, but we aren’t cavemen.” I glanced up at him and grinned. “So, your last date? Bad?”
“Boring,” he answered.
“Where did you go?” I asked as I read the next question. Damn… This one confused me a little. Titian was known for what? Color? Religious paintings? Portraits of the popes? It could be any of these. I chose color. I remember that they said his style changed, but his love of color and use of it never diminished. That had to be the answer.
“Shit… I don’t remember, actually. It was that bad.” He leaned onto the table with his elbow.
“Come on. Let me live vicariously through you, a little. Inspire me with your tale of woe.” I chuckled.
“Fine.” He pointed to the Titian question on the paper. “Good job. I was sure you wouldn’t get that one. It was tricky.” I heard him sigh and felt his breath tickle my hair. Chills shot through me. “I think we went to dinner and some party. I honestly do not remember where we ate. It was off-campus, I’m sure, and I don’t think I drank enough to make that date very interesting. I hate it when you go on a date and realize right off the bat, this is going to be a bad night. It was that kind of date.”
“Was he a student here on campus,” I asked offhandedly as if it wasn’t a big deal.
He sat back in his chair and stared blankly at me. “I didn’t tell you I was gay, Mason.”
I looked up at him slowly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was a secret or anything. I’m… I guess I just assumed.”
He crossed his arms and laughed. “It hasn’t been a secret for a while, Mason. I knew that you know Gwen, remember. It’s okay. You look like you just saw a ghost. Jesus, Mason.”
“Well, crap. I thought I pissed you off or something,” I sighed. “The look on your face… Good one, Calvin.”
“Get back to your quiz,” he leaned back in towards me and rested his elbow back on the table as he rested his chin on his fist. “Besides, I can’t imagine living a life like that ever again. It almost killed me in high school, all of that hiding who I was and trying to be someone that I wasn’t. Life is a hell of a lot better when you stop pretending and start living life the way you are supposed to. It was a harsh lesson, but I am better for it. Can you imagine living like that, Mason?”
The question made me pause, and I laid the pen down on the table and stared at him. I wanted to confess to him. I wanted to tell him that I could imagine it because that had been my life for years. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be brave, but I needed someone to be brave for, because I didn’t believe in myself.
“It would be hard,” I swallowed heavily. I could feel the color drain from my face, and my body felt heavy and leaden as I sat there in front of him. My armor was a burden, and I wished I were brave enough to take it off and stand before him as just me, but I had never been brave when it came to this subject. I hated myself for how I felt. How I hid this most intimate part of myself from those that loved me. Maybe the problem was I was ashamed of myself. But why?
“Yes. I am sure it is,” he said carefully.
I picked my pen back up and turned to the last page of the quiz. “So? You never answered my question about tonight.”
“What question was that?” he asked, and I could feel my heart crack, just a little. Then it dawned on him what I was talking about. “Oh…”
“Yeah. Oh…” I teased. “Is being asked out by me, really so terrible? A drink tonight after we finish? It would be nice.”
“Sure,” he smiled slowly. “Being asked out by you isn’t bad, Mason. It’s just… Sure, sounds fun. Will we see your buddies? I thought you wanted to keep me your secret, so people didn’t know you were being tutored.”
“Yeah, that was silly, wasn’t it? But we aren’t gonna be studying Calvin. We’re going to be hanging out and that I would never be ashamed of. I don’t know about seeing the other guys. I kind of hope not. It would prefer to have you to myself tonight.” I watched his face flush. Maybe he would like that too. Sometimes, the way he looked at me, the glances he shot at me when he didn’t think I was paying attention. Maybe he thought…
I’m sure he didn’t. It was all in my head, probably. He had let me know often enough what he thought about me, and it wasn’t the stuff of desire. Hopefully, tonight might bring us to a different place. Maybe he would actually like me, at least.
“Well, we’ll never get that drink if you don’t finish the damn quiz,” he said sarcastically. “Pass me your paper, and I’ll look at it while you finish.”
I reached in my bag and handed him my paper. He pulled out a red pen and started reading it. I tried to not pay attention to all the small marks he was making on my paper. Every scribble of his, though, made me wonder if it was any good. I really had tried my hardest.
Fuck.
I tried to keep my attention on the quiz and finally finished. I thought I did pretty great, and I watched him as he read my paper. His face was an expressionless mask as he perused each paragraph I had written. I saw that he was fixing some grammar mistakes. That didn’t surprise me. English was hard.
He finished and looked up at me and nodded as he handed the paper back to me. I slid my quiz over to him. He nodded at me, and a smile lit up his face.
“Good job, Mason,” he exhaled as if he couldn’t believe it. “That’s pretty good. I fixed some grammar for you and circled a couple paragraphs that need more detail, but all in all, that paper is a solid B.”
