“I’m leaving,” I blurt out, and my mom and dad both look at me, surprised. Thankfully, Logan has already excused himself from the dinner table, running to his room to play.
“Already? You haven’t even had pie,” my mom says, and I can feel her disappointment and sadness.
“No. I mean I’m leaving Kensley,” I say and only further their confusion.
My mom cocks her head to the side. “Where are you going, honey?” She doesn’t sound too upset, maybe more surprised and confused than anything.
And hey, it’s a surprise to me too. I didn’t know until a second ago, but it’s been in the back of my mind since the end of summer, if I’m honest. “California.”
My dad’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “California? Why? What’s there?”
“Someone I love,” I say.I can’t do this anymore.I can’t hide this anymore. It made more sense before, when I didn’t know what the hell Emerson and I were, but now, I know. He’s my forever. And he’s not a shameful secret or anything to hide. He’s my truth. My happiness. My future.
My mom is trying to make the pieces fit and figure out what’s going on. “But not Lucy? She’s not in California.”
I smile, but I hope she doesn’t think I’m making fun of her. “No. Not Lucy. We didn’t fit. And I’m okay with that. His name is Emerson. You met him a couple of times.”
She can’t hide her surprise. “The boy who worked on the Wright farm with you?”
I nod my head. “Yes. I’m in love with him. He’s my boyfriend.”
I slowly turn to look at my dad while I let my mom process that information. I can’t read him, but that’s not really unusual for my dad. His voice is gruff, and it’s obvious he’s trying here... to not say the wrong thing. Because at his core, my dad is now and always was a good man. Who loves me. “I didn’t know you were gay.” It’s a statement, but I hear a little bit of question there, and I can’t blame him for that.
“I’m not,” I say, and his brow furrows in confusion, so I continue, explaining it the best I can, “I never knew I could beattracted to a guy. I was always attracted to females, but then Emerson came along, and I fell in love with him. Nothing else matters. Honestly, I’ve only ever fallen for two people in my life. One happened to be female and one male. Not sure what that makes me, but I know it doesn’t matter to me.”
I hate that I hold my breath when my parents share a look. The label on my sexuality doesn’t matter to me, but what if it matters to them? “Okay,” my father says. “Okay. That’s good.”
My turn to be surprised. “Yeah?”
“Of course, honey,” my mom says, reaching for my hand. “We just want you happy. And it’s clear love has made you happy. I can see it on your face when you say you love him.” She looks at my father with a mushy smile that would normally make me gag but makes me realize just how much they love each other. Through everything they’ve been through, they stick it out.
“I do.”
Her smile only brightens. “I should have known. I saw something that day when he came here to look for you. Emerson.” She laughs. “Of course you two are in love.” She shakes her head. “He looked so distraught at the thought that he might have lost you.”
My stomach clenches tight, but before I can think about how we could have lost each other—four years is a long time to be apart—my dad speaks again, “But you have to leave?”
I look over at him. “He’s going to college in California. I need to go there to be with him. Four years—” I sigh heavily. “I can’t take four years away from him. I don’t want to.”
They both smile at each other again and then me, but then my dad’s smile falls. “So this isn’t because of what I said...” He looks away for a moment, the shame written all over his face before his eyes meet mine again. “I didn’t mean what I said, son. I didn’t mean any of that.”
“I know you didn’t, Dad,” I say firmly because I know he didn’t. “You were in pain, and I know your pride took a hit, but you don’t have to be ashamed when your body isn’t working with you. It’s not your fault, and you don’t deserve that. But you’re the strongest man I’ve ever known. All I see is strength when you fall down and get back up.”
I didn’t mean to blurt all that out, but I need him to know that. He has to know how much of a hero he is to me. I watch as he wipes one tear discreetly from his eye and clears his throat—not comfortable with emotions at all. “I’m trying. I just get so pissed off. I want to go back to work. I want to provide for my family.”
“You do,” my mom cuts in, her pain apparent. “You’re our rock.”
I nod in agreement. “Working and bringing in money or not, you really are. You’re our foundation, and we need you.”
He swallows and nods. “I’m trying.”
“I know,” I say honestly. “And when I get to California, I’ll get a job, and I’ll send money home often. I don’t want you guys to worry about that.”
“Christ, son,” my dad says with a smile. “We don’t care about money. We’re going to miss you. We don’t want you to contribute though. You’re an incredible kid, and I hope you know that. You deserve to live your own life for yourself and for the man you love. We’ll be just fine.”
My mom nods and squeezes my hand. “We will. We just want you happy,” she repeats.
“Thank you,” I say, a huge weight being lifted from me. “You know Kelly will help with Logan any time. And I think she’ll be just fine with the new farmhand.”
