“When six weeks go by with no sex. Well, nofullsex. I’m not horny then because I’m too busy being exhausted.”
He snickered at me again. “That makes no sense.”
“Harry,” I said his name as plainly as I could. “Think about what I’m trying to tell you here.”
He looked at me, expression blank.
“Zack is six weeks old, Harry.”
Slowly, Harry’s face shifted and transformed. I’d made him not touch my tits the entire time too, making sure my flow was what Zack needed, that nothing we did would mess it up. I got the all-clear from the doctor thismorning, that it wouldn’t make a difference now, that Zack’s feeding was established and everything was going well. I’d healed up as I should.
“I am so ready to fuck your brains out,” I said, standing up and looking down at my man.
He looked distraught then, something I was not expecting, and the mood I was trying to create shattered. Like a slap in the face, I felt hideous, gross, disgusting, misguided. A million destructive emotions rocketed through me, and it was all I could do not to turn myself inside out and simply fade away. Having a baby fucked your self-esteem right up.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, stepping away and almost falling over the small table we had out here. “Uh, oh… god.”
Harry jumped up, slamming his mug down so hard I was surprised it didn’t shatter. “No no no!” he spat out in a hurry. “No, god. I want you so much it hurts, baby.” He winced. “It’s just…”
A knock on the door startled me, making me jump as I looked from Harry toward the front, and back again. What the hell was going on?
“We have a visitor.”
My brow furrowed as I waited for him to elaborate, my heart racing.
“Go see.”
Zack stirred as I walked through the house, and Harry promised to see to him while I answered the door. His smile was soft as we parted at the bottom of the stairs.
My mind whirled with hope at who it could be, the silhouette familiar. When I opened the door and found Victoria there, giving me a weak smile, my heart unsqueezed.
“Hey, mama,” she said, though it was a bit stiff.
“Vicky,” I sighed. “Hi.”
“So, obviously, it was stupid hard to get over what happened.” Victoria sat on our sofa, rocking Zack back to sleep after a good feeding and a burp. She was a natural at taking care of her nephew already, and my heart warmed at the sight. It’s what had been missing all this time. “But I read all your emails, spent ages reflecting, and though you fuckers went about it in the weirdest way possible, I think it’s okay. I wasn’t in love with Harry.”
Harry stiffened beside me, but nodded. He’d said as much before, that he thought he might be a filling for a hole in Victoria’s life, rather than the perfect man.
For the first few weeks, I’d sent her a million emails, explaining myself, apologizing and begging her to talk. I’d been pathetic, probably so insistent I made it worse, but I couldn’t help myself. She was staying with my parents after all, and there was no way in hell I was going there again.
“I’m still so pissed at you, and there is a long damn road ahead, but I didn’t want it to be the end.” Victoria looked at me. “When Harry reached out to me a few days ago to let me know Zack was okay, that I had a nephew and that you were sad, I decided enough was enough. There’s a great deal of penance owed here, but I’m willing to try.”
“Thank you,” I muttered, gratitude making me want to cry, the relief rocketing through my body.
Victoria looked between Harry and me, studying the way we were with each other. He kept his distance, and the space between us was strange, unusual now. We were almost always touching in some way, unable to stop ourselves with a hand on the other’s leg, or his fingers toying with my hair, never apart for long. But with Victoria here, an unnatural barrier formed.
“I’m not going to stay. Not for long,” she said then, her face dropping a fraction, the pain clear, but the strength clearer. “I’ll be in touch to babysit this little guy, but I need time for everything else.”
“Of course,” I said, melting with gratitude. The fact that she was working at forgiveness was more than I could ever ask for. She was such a gem. Through everything I’d done to her, my trust in her never wavered.
She carried Zack to his cot, and we listened as she hushed him through the baby monitor, muttering a sweet tune as he groused.
Harry and I watched each other through all of it, my eyes wide and his brow furrowed. This might be okay, after all. We might not have to suffer forever for our actions.
We muttered our goodbyes when she came back downstairs, Zack fast asleep, and the relief between Harry and I was enormous. What we’d done to her had been a heavy weight on us, and a little of it had lifted now.
“My god,” I said, sinking into the sofa with a smile on my face. “That for sure could have gone worse.” I looked at Harry as he stood before me. “Thank you.”
