“There wasn’t much good about my childhood either,” I told him softly.
Nothing really. Just a handful of months that I tried my hardest not to think about now. It hurt too much. The people that I had to leave behind. The family that I always wished was really mine. The days I cried after I ran. I didn’t want to go. I had to. I hoped they understood just how much they meant to me. That if I had a choice I would have stayed. The three of them almost made it worth all the abuse and neglect I had to put up with. And I knew that if they could have saved me, they would have. The thing was, we were all in the same boat— doing the best we could to make it to the next day.
I always wanted a mother that cared about me. One that would bake cookies if I was having a bad day. One that would tuck me in at night with a story. What I got was one that was usually passed out by the time I went to bed. I always swore that if I had kids, I’d be the mother I always wanted.
That thought led me back to the present. I’d want my kids to have a man worthy of getting thatworld’s best dadcoffee cup. When I looked at Ray, I could see that in him. He was sweet and never raised his voice to me. He was caring and paid attention to the little things. Yeah, I might have gone all mushy right now with all the thoughts running through my head.
I didn’t dare bring it up though. It was still too early for that.
“We can’t erase our past but we can make the best of the future,” he said after a long moment had slipped by.
“True,” I said with a soft sigh.
Maybe part of me wanted to know how he’d found his way out. Then again, part of me knew some things were best left alone. This was the man I knew and I was starting to love him for who he was now. It wasn’t like any of it mattered anyway.
I let myself drift off, trying my hardest to let the past stay where it belonged.
I woke to an empty bed but I didn’t feel alone.
Because when he wasn’t here with me he was stillhere. I still felt him when he was gone and how much he cared about me. So I took all the moments I got because they were mine. He carved out time for me and I could see how much that time meant to him.
I wished that I could have sent him off with a kiss and a smile. I’d do anything to make his day better. From the tension he’d held in his shoulders last night, he already knew today wasn’t going to be good even before it came. I almost sent him a text to let him know I was thinking about him in hopes that it would make him smile, but then thought better of it. If he was deep in work mode, the last thing he needed was me trying to distract him.
For some strange reason, I had this strong urge to find something good that came before him. I wanted to think about the things that had made me happy. Like really, truly happy. I found myself pulling the small box out of the back of my closet not long after that. With my coffee in hand, I tucked myself into the corner of the couch.
I pulled out the small stack of photos I had gathered over the years.
Club life wasn’t all that easy but honestly, it was the easiest I’d ever had it. I wouldn’t say that some of the things that went on there didn’t bother me. I think you’d have to have no soul for them not to. But I understood the reasons for all the death and violence. It was the reasons behind it that kept me locked there so long. That hardcore loyalty to one another. They’d die for their family. They’d get revenge and they’d do everything they could to keep everyone safe. I might have been on the outer rim of that but I was still a part of it. I knew they all cared for me in their own way more than just a warm body. I wasn’t sure if I would have said the same went for any of the other club girls though. Maybe it was because I’d been there so long.
Before that, well, I would have said I spent most of my life just trying to survive. Somehow I did. I was here after all.
Ray and I might not have known that much about each other but I knew enough. I knew him now and that was all I really could have asked for. He was truthful with me even if he didn’t like to talk about his work stuff. I supposed I should have been over the moon about that. Here was a man wanting to spend time with me and not have the outer world interfere. And sometimes it was the unsaid things that were more important.
With a sigh, I tucked the pictures back where they belonged. Sometimes, it was hard to remember the reasons why I’d left. I had friends back there. I had girls that wanted to be my friend, despite the fact that I had… well, slept with their men. I mean, that was before they came along. But still, I understood that it couldn’t have been an easy thing to think about. But they had treated me with kindness and love. I hoped that they knew our friendship was real and that I’d do anything for them. I started to think that I’d done this all wrong. I owed them a call. And I swore I’d do it, but I needed a little more time.
I felt restless and had the urge to get out of the condo. Sitting around would only make me spiral down into the pit of sadness. I wasn’t one for pity parties.
Since I had a little money put aside, I figured I might go shopping. I could definitely use some new clothes. And maybe I could pick up a few things for the condo. I hadn’t been here all that long but I had yet to place any of my personal touches around. I had a closet all to myself and a dresser too, now it was time to spread myself out of the bedroom. I knew he wouldn’t mind.
I started to wonder if Ray was the type of man that would even notice something like that. Would a few decorative pillows catch his attention? Or some candles sporadically placed all over the living room? Hmmm. Well, I was going to find out, that was for sure.
I hit the closest home store. I said I was going to get clothes but once the idea was in my head, I decided to start with the decorating.
One thing I realized pretty quickly was that shopping alone sucked. I didn’t have anyone around to ask their opinion of something. Like was this table lamp a little too much? Or how about this weird orb thing as a table centerpiece? And since I was never really good with putting colors together, I knew the things I’d picked out were going to make the living room look like a rainbow had thrown up everywhere.
With a shrug, I carried on to the checkout. If it didn’t work out then I could just return it.
I loaded up my car and carried on with my shopping. Let me just say, I didn’t like the clothing places that were close by. I tried, I did, but the moment I walked in I was hit with a frozen feeling. I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford a button, let alone an entire outfit. And the women working there knew it. It was clear as day in their face. So as quickly as I walked in, I walked out. It took me three stores to realize that I would definitely not be shopping in this area. I shouldn’t have expected anything different though. It wasn’t like Ray lived on the cheap side of the city. I didn’t even want to think about how much his condo had set him back. Or all those pristine suits in his closet.
Exhausted and lonely, I gave up on shopping.
I might have gotten a little more than I’d meant to and only realized it when I’d gotten back to the parking deck and attempted to get it all out in one trip.
“Oh, let me help, dear,” Miss Grace said in a sweet voice.
“Are you on your way out?” I asked because she looked like she was headed to her car with her driver in tow. “I think I might have it, I don’t want to disturb your day.”
“Nonsense,” she said with a slice of her hand through the air like I was being ridiculous. “You always help me carry my stuff up, it’s time I return the favor.”
