But I needed another long minute of enjoying it first.
I let my tongue barely dance with hers. She tasted like coffee and cream and sugar, and I didn’t hate it at all.
“We should stop,” I whispered, my eyes still closed and my lips still against hers.
“We don’t have to,” she whispered back and damn, that didn’t help anything.
“I don’t want to,” I admitted, pressing my lips against hers quickly.
“I don’t either.”
“But we should,” I said as I tried to get the blood to flow back up to my brain.
“We should?” she asked and before I had a chance to answer she was pulling me back into her and there was more kissing. Which did nothing for my blood flow.
So I went with it. But I told myself it would only be for a few more minutes.
“Jessica,” I said as I pulled back enough to put some distance between our faces. “I think it’s pretty obvious that I want this. I’m guessing you do too. But I just need to… I want to do this right with you.”
“Okay,” she said and looked to the side for a moment. “Can I be honest with you?” I opened my mouth to tell her that she could but she kept talking. “I don’t really know whatrightis.”
“Well, I honestly don’t know either.”
She smiled at that. At least she wasn’t mad.
“I’m pretty sure you get by now that sex in my life has just been, well, sex. Most of the time it was a means to something. I know that’s not right and I’m not saying I’m proud of it, but it is what it is.”
“I hate that saying,” I muttered with a shake of my head and I was a little bit worried that I was fucking this up when she took a big step away from me. “It isn’t what it is. I’m not going to judge you or call you names. Not ever. And I don’t think you should brush off what you’ve been through with such a generic saying. I don’t think any less of you. You did what you had to do to survive. While it might not be a perfect example of how to do things, it doesn’t mean that it’s not right.”
She looked up at me, her eyes bouncing between mine like she was trying to see if I really believed what I’d said. How could I not? It wasn’t like I was a poster child for how to deal with things either. And though our paths might have taken a darker turn, the important thing was that we’d live through it. We were still standing.
She swallowed hard and I saw the tears well in her eyes.
“I don’t think I’ve ever looked at it that way. Matter fact, I try not to think of it most days,” she said and her voice cracked. It was heartbreaking and I all I wanted to do was wrap her up in my arms and tell her that I’d always be there for her, no matter what. It would have been the truth too because that was how I’d felt all of these years we’d been apart. “I think you are the best kind of man.”
Well, damn. I didn’t think so. I had trouble believing those words even though I could see the truth in her eyes.
All the reasons I wasn’t the best kind of man came to mind. And on top of that list, was a collection of all the answers followed by why I should let her go. She’d spent her life trying to get away from people like me, and yet here I was, trying to pull her back into the darkness.
“You are,” she said as her hand came to rest on my chest right over my heart. “I can see it in your eyes that you don’t believe me, but you are.”
“I’m not,” I told her in a cold tone. “I’m not what you need and I am the worst for even pursuing this.”
“Silas,” she whispered and I couldn’t deny that I loved the way my name sounded coming off of her lips. “I knew you before all of… this stuff happened. And the thing is, I can still see that boy inside of you.”
“I’m a killer, Jessica, how does that make me any different than… Ray?”
She paused. It was almost like she’d been thinking about that exact same thing. I really wished I could have been inside her head right now.
“Because Ray was in it only for himself. Yeah, he had a shit life growing up, but it was like he forgot all of that the moment he got to the top. You,” she made a point to poke my chest, “never lost your heart.”
“How can you look past what I’ve done?”
“Because, as strange as it sounds, you have morals in your darkness. I see that now. Your heart is pure even though it’s hurting.”
I got lost in her gaze, seeing myself through her eyes for a long moment.
“I…” I let the word hang there not knowing what the hell I was going to say. Or maybe I did but was afraid that it would scare her.
