“I did,” I said with a nod. “It was time for me to move on. I think I realized that I was stuck there. I’m not saying it was a bad kind of stuck. But I want things out of life that I knew I wasn’t going to find there.”
“And a heroin dealer somehow fit into that how?”
I rolled my eyes at him as my body sagged back into his embrace, my head resting on his chest again.
“I’m guessing that wasn’t part of the plan.” He sounded like he was trying to lighten the mood but in truth, there was nothing funny about it.
“I found out all these things when they were interrogating me,” I admitted. Embarrassment was present like the dumbass bitch that she was. And her best friend Stupidity too. “I thought he was nice. He treated me right. Didn’t try to buy my love. Let me be my own person. Gave me his undivided attention when he was with me. I just keep thinking about it and I can’t understand how I missed it the whole time.”
With a sigh, I sat up, giving my back to Silas because I couldn’t bear to have him see me like this. I hated saying this all out loud. I hated knowing that I’d been played the fool. And I really hated that Silas had witnessed it.
I felt like a big part of me had let him down.
He always talked about how I should reach for the stars no matter what. He encouraged every little thing I did. His whole family had. They made me feel like I really could be something one day.
But somewhere along the way, I fell flat, and couldn’t seem to ever pick myself up again.
“Hey,” he said softly and a second later, I felt his body wrap around mine. His chin was on my shoulder and he spoke so sweetly into my ear. “It happened. It’s over. Nowhere to go but up from here, right?”
“I was so stupid, Silas. I pictured this happy life with him. Marriage and kids.”
I didn’t let the tears fall because I wouldn’t ever let myself cry for that monster again.
“I just couldn’t believe I didn’t see it,” I said. “All those years I spent out on the streets, shuffling from one place to another just trying to find something better. All the shit I had to deal with and learn. All the promises I made to myself and, no matter what, was determined to keep. All the things that happened to me. I don’t know how I missed it.”
“You have me now. I’ll never let anything hurt you again.”
I not only heard his words but I felt the meaning behind them. I felt them so strong that the warmth and realness seemed to ricochet through my whole body.
It was hard not to wonder about how differently life might have been if I hadn’t run.
But I had.
And there was no taking it back.
Now he was here telling me it would all be alright.
And I believed him.
-22-
Silas
You have me now. I’ll never let anything hurt you again.
Those words slipped out before I could catch them. I meant them more than I think I knew at the moment but maybe now wasn’t the time for something like that.
There was something going on here. It would have been stupid to try and deny it.
With each heartbreaking word Jessica spoke, something inside of me came alive. It grew stronger and I felt a purpose like I’d never felt before.
“I think I need a break,” she said and before I could tell her it was okay, she was off the bed. “You should rest. Do I need to do anything for your… wounds?”
“No,” I told her and then cleared my clogged throat. “I can get it.”
“I’ll go clean up the kitchen.”
She snatched up the empty bowls and then walked out of the room.
