“I didn’t know what to do,” she said wide-eyed like she was living that awful moment right now. “I was a scared kid. My dad, he threatened your mom. Said he’d get her evicted and you all would have to live on the streets. I believed him, you know, I was just a stupid kid. I couldn’t take it anymore and I hoped that if I left, he would leave you alone.”
“What happened after that?” I realized that I had wanted to tell her my side of the story first because I was afraid that if she started talking, I would just break down. But it seemed like I couldn’t help myself as the question rolled out of my mouth.
Maybe it was better this way. Maybe we had to weave our stories together to really understand. To see it how it should be.
“Nothing good,” she told me with a bitter laugh. “I was on the streets for years. Never went back to school. Never had a permanent roof over my head. Hell, most nights I was too afraid to fall asleep.”
Without realizing it, my body curved forward and my hand reached out to wipe away the tear that was sliding down her cheek.
“You don’t want to hear about all the shit that happened to me,” she said softly.
“I do.” I needed to hear it. Maybe as much as I suspected she needed to get it out.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I silently vowed I’d be here for her. I’d hold her through it all.
“I was only nine, what did I really know about taking care of myself? But I guess I kind of did because I had been doing it for so long.” Her eyes closed and stayed that way. “I just kept walking. I didn’t even know where I was going. I learned things from finding groups of people like me but I always stayed on the outside.”
She went on how she found shelters and quickly learned to lie about needing to get back to her family after she got what she needed. If they thought she had a family they weren’t as quick to call social services and the faster she moved on, the less likely she’d get caught.
“I was twelve when I met Leslie. She was so nice. Or so I thought,” she said and I could hear the regret in her tone. “Before I knew it, I was swept up in things I shouldn’t have known about. Leslie showed me everything I needed to know and even… well, I think you get the picture.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. My throat was currently clogged with emotions and my mind was playing theI told you sogame.
“Something happened when I was sixteen. It changed things for me,” she said and she didn’t have to tell me. I just fucking knew. “After that, I tried my hardest to stay in the shadows. Like even more than before. I wouldn’t eat for days because I was scared to leave whatever place I’d found to hunker down at the time. I wouldn’t sleep. But eventually…”
She had to go back to the old ways to survive.
I knew what she was saying without the words.
“I looked for you. Hell, I never stopped,” I told her.
I hoped like hell it didn’t cause more damage at this point. Maybe not knowing that I had been out there looking for her would have been for the best. But I couldn’t lie to her. I had to let her know that I’d thought of her all these years. That I still fucking cared so much.
“I wish I had known,” she said and began to sob harder.
Her body fell into mine, her head laying on my thigh. My fingers worked through her hair and she clung to my leg life a life raft as she let it all out.
I said nothing else, just let her go through the emotions and finally feel each one before she released them. It had been building up a long time. I felt it too and I couldn’t deny that tears stung the back of my eyes. Every time her body jerked with a retching sob, they came closer to the surface. I need to stay strong for her. This was her time.
She was finally safe and I would hold her until she was done.
The way I felt right now, I’d hold her forever if that was what it took.
-21-
Jessica
Twenty years of holding it all in came vomiting out like a bad case of emotional food poisoning.
I cried like I’d never cried before.
Like embarrassing sobs and snot pouring out of my nose and I couldn’t even stop it.
And it just kept going. Every time I thought it was coming to an end, another wave would take over.
The whole time, there was Silas, calm and soothing like the boy I knew. His hand running over my hair and his calming words telling me to let it all out did something to me that I couldn’t explain. Oh, and it made me cry even harder.
I never imagined in a million years that our paths would cross again. That he would end up being the man to save me when I thought I’d met my end.
