That was the motto for how we’d all grown up.
We made due.
And you made the best of it.
It was always better when you smiled at what you had instead of crying over what you didn’t.
I wasn’t saying it was easy. While I sure as fuck was glad my life wasn’t like that anymore, I made sure I never forgot where I came from.
“Mom and Irenna are going to be so happy to see you,” I told her, causing her face to light up like a kid on Christmas morning. It was as if she wanted to ask about them but was afraid for some reason.
“How are they?”
“Good,” I told her with a bob of my head as I thought about them. “My sister is happily married. Two kids. Phil, her husband, he’s a good guy. Treats her like the world revolves around her. And Mom is living a few miles up the road from them.”
“Is she still working her ass off?”
“No.” I huffed out a laugh. “I forced her to retire. Bought her a big house and a new car. She wasn’t happy about it but I eventually got her to come around. She did everything for us growing up, it’s time she relaxed and enjoyed life.”
“So…” she said as she got up and set her empty bowl down on top of the dresser. “Are we going to talk about it. What exactly I saw. I’m guessing that’s how you have all this money to take care of your mom. Killer for hire?”
Maybe it was best to get it all out there and hope she didn’t run screaming. Something about the way she’d come right out and didn’t flinch when she said it made me think that it wasn’t all that removed of a concept in her world.
“Yes,” I said setting my own bowl to the side.
With her back to me, she nodded.
“And Ray was a… job?”
“Yes.”
“And how long have you been doing this?”
“Close to fifteen years now.” I could remember that first job like it was yesterday. The date. The weather. The smell in the air. Even the sound of the bullet ripping through the silencer and the way his eyes stared up at me blankly after his body hit the floor.
“Okay. Alright. Okay.” She took in a deep breath then let it out. Suddenly, she turned to face me. “What I can’t figure out is how. How did the boy that I knew who would go out of his way to help people grow up to be someone that killed people for money?”
“Sit down,” I told her as I motioned to the end of the bed where she’d been sitting before. “It’s going to be a long story. But when I’m done, I’m going to need you to fill in the gaps, because I’ve been going out of my mind trying to find you for twenty fucking years.”
Her eyes went wide and she swallowed hard. Then she lowered herself down to the bed like the thing was made of broken glass. Like what was to come might cut her to the bone.
It probably would. And I didn’t doubt that what she had to tell me wouldn’t do the same to me.
But it had to be done and there was no sense in dragging it out.
“After you left,” I started and instantly saw the sadness in her eyes. “Irenna cried. Mom went out of her mind with worry. And I tried to look for you.”
It was the truth. I was sure it was hard to hear but she needed to know how much she meant to us.
“At first, I thought that something bad had happened. That he’d put you in the hospital. But then I realized that you’d taken off on your own.” I paused, my hand running through my hair and lightly tugging on the ends. This wasn’t easy. “I wished you would have come to us. We all did. Mom was actually working on a way to get you out of that place but she didn’t want you to get thrown into the system. We all know older kids are harder to adopt out. And who knew what kind of situation you could have ended up in. It might have been worse…”
“I didn’t know she was doing that.”
“She was,” I told her with a nod. “She was working with a friend in social services, she wanted to foster you but it wasn’t easy. I mean, you know, we didn’t live in the best kind of neighborhood and Mom was a single parent that worked all the time. Not exactly the best kind of situation to put a kid into.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked softly.
“She didn’t even tell me until years later. I guess she didn’t want to get our hopes up… and then you were gone. I don’t think she knew what to do after that.”
