Yes, it was a lie. But I was well practiced at lying and I knew he couldn’t tell anything.
Was I sad that Ray was dead? Hell no. Not after everything I found out. Not after he hit me. I was so close to doing it myself but I never even got the chance. I might have been a little sad about that part. I think I rightfully deserved to get at least one good shot in.
However, it looked like someone took care of that problem for me. And even if I didn’t recognize those eyes, I still wouldn’t have ratted the person out. He’d done me a favor, I didn’t take that lightly.
I had been wishing for a way out and it looked like I got it.
But what the hell?!
Silas.
His face was one of the few that I’d tried for so many years to forget. The only happy time in my childhood. Now all the memories were flooding in and it was threatening to throw me off-balance. Which I couldn’t afford right now. I’d have time later to let the feelings take over.
“Why don’t we take a break? Are you hungry? Want something to drink?” he asked and if I wasn’t mistaken, he was as frustrated as I felt.
“Sure, fine,” I told him as I looked pointedly at the wall beside him and shook my head.
It was clear he wasn’t going to let me go anytime soon. I was so done with this but I knew I just had to sit through the whole thing. I tried to keep my temper in check, but it was hard. I mean, it would be for anyone, I guessed. Question after question and no matter what I said he wasn’t going to believe me. It was his job not to. He had to dig through everything to find the truth and since I was the only one left alive in that condo, I was the one with all the answers. Or that was how he saw it anyway.
Really, he wasn’t wrong. I did have a lot of them, not that I was going to share that with him. I just had to be believable enough and tell the same story over and over again without it sounding rehearsed.
I wondered how long he would leave me in here this time. Hell, I had no clue what time it was. The walls of the small interview room were starting to close in on me. I had no doubt that he was behind the mirrored window watching me. Yeah, I had things to hide, but I wasn’t guilty. Knowing this, I didn’t let my guard down.
But that didn’t stop my mind from drifting.
I knew this wasn’t the time or place, but I was still in shock from seeing Silas. Not only seeing him, but witnessing what he did.
There was something about the way he took care of Ray that led me to think that wasn’t his first time for something like that. It was like Silas was waiting there just to kill him. Like it was hisjob.
I’d always wondered what happened to him. Though I did try hard not to think about him or Irenna or their mom, there were times I couldn’t help it.
The nine-year-old girl in me cried for joy. From the moment I met them, I’d felt loved. I felt special and accepted just the way I was. It didn’t matter that I had a junkie mom and an abusive father. It only mattered that we all made the most out of the situation we were handed. That was one thing they taught me. And I carried that with me through every shitty situation I landed up in.
Silas had always been smart. I looked up to him back then. He was only sixteen, which was old to me at the time, but he had so much on his shoulders. They were barely scraping by, just like everyone else around. Elaine was a single mom that worked all the time it seemed. I remember the day Silas came back excited that he’d found a part-time job after school. He was so happy that he’d be able to help out. Many nights I saw him through my bedroom window studying late at night after he’d gotten off from his job. He was determined not to let his grades slip. And from what I’d heard, he was good in school. He took it seriously, thinking that he could get a scholarship so he could go to college, and one day, be able to take care of his mom and sister.
Knowing them was the best part of my youth. I hated that I had to leave them behind but I felt like I had no other choice.
Suddenly, that night filled my mind. I’d pushed those images out of my head for twenty years. Now was not the time for it to all start bubbling over. Honestly,neverwas a good time.
We didn’t get a choice in who our parents were. Sometimes the system would work and catch situations like mine, but most of the time, kids like me were left to live in horrible conditions. Some people just had no right having kids, not that I was planned or wanted. I was sure of that.
It was one of those nights where Silas was working at his desk doing homework. Since my room was across the tiny alleyway from his, Irenna was in his room so we could hang out. Yes, that sounded so sad and it was. Don’t get me wrong, I was over at their apartment as much as I could be. But I had to be home by a certain time or else I would get in trouble. Not the kind of trouble like normal kids. My parents didn’t care that I was home for safety reasons. They simply wanted me locked away in my room so I wouldn’t disturb whatever they had going on. I was smart enough at nine to know that I didn’t leave my room after I was shut up in it. I’d seen my mother strung out too many times and I hated the feeling that I got in my stomach every single time. So I chose to not see it, even if I knew in my head it was there. And I knew that if my dad was in a mood, I’d be the first thing he took it out on. Maybe it was shitty to leave my mom to deal with his wrath, but at the time, I’d been through it enough to know that I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Though, sometimes it was hard to ignore the screams that went on from the other side of my door.
That was why I’d been so thankful for the Newman family. They showed me kindness despite what I had to deal with. And they also gave me the best kind of distraction when shit was going on in my home.
That night, like any other night, Irenna had been writing big letters on a dry erase board and I was using my notebook paper to write back. That was how we communicated at times like this. She knew, just like I did, the quieter I was, the better. I was trying to hide my giggles because Silas was always looking up and rolling his eyes at us. But his smile, that was what got me. I knew he didn’t really hate the fact that his sister was in his room. And he didn’t hate the fact that I smiled every time he did it. I suspected that was why he did it so often.
That was the night the fun ended.
My dad walked in and caught us. The harmless fun was like the worst kind of evil to him. How dare I have any friends or comfort in life? That was the way he saw it. He ripped the broken blinds down, covering the window and cutting off my vision of the family I so wished I was a part of. He beat me until I gave in and said I was sorry. Then he made threats that if I ever saw them again, he’d ruin their lives. I had no choice to give him what he wanted, so I told him I’d never see them again. It felt like the worst kind of betrayal as I spoke those words to him. But I knew I had to survive. And in order to do that, I had to believe those words so he would also. In my mind, I had to act as if they weren’t there. I had to forget about all the love and kindness they’d shown me. I wouldn’t put them in danger because I was afraid that if my dad couldn’t get the satisfaction that he desired out of me, then he’d turn on them. I so desperately never wanted anything to happen to them. They were good people. And wonderful. Loving and all the amazing things that people could be. All the things my dad made me believe that I didn’t deserve. I had been wrong to take what I had, but it had felt so nice.
Later that night, once the sounds on the other side of my door had gone silent, I peeked out of my blinds. The room across the way was dark and I shouldn’t have expected anything different. It was late and I knew they were asleep. I wrote a quick note and stuck it between the blinds so they would see it. I prayed that my dad or mom wouldn’t find it before Irenna or Silas did. Then, I packed what I could into my backpack that was pretty much falling apart.
I took off into the night with no clue what to do. I just knew I had to run. I had to find something far away from my parents and make a life where I didn’t live in constant fear.
It turned out that the streets were a lot harder than I would have ever thought. I quickly realized that I had traded one bad situation for another. I spent years trying my hardest to live in the shadows. I needed to be as visible as I had been before, which was not at all. Was it better? I couldn’t say for sure, but at least I was free from my parents. And more importantly, the Newman’s were safe. Without me there, my dad had no reason to go after them. He had no reason to harm them or attempt to ruin their life in some way. Silas was destined for great things, or so I believed. And Irenna, she was bright just like her brother. I knew there was more for both of them out there and it would have been wrong of me to mess that up in any way.
It wasn’t easy but I made it through. And part of making it through was learning how to outsmart the system. Especially, when the main ways to survived involved stealing and selling the only thing I had to offer. Both weren’t legal but it got me through to the next day.
