This situation was the same, yet it wasn’t. The men of the MC never hid who they truly were from me. Sure they had different sides to them, but it never felt frightening to me. I never felt fear when it came to my life from them.
I guess I could have talked circles to try to explain it. I figured that was my minds way of trying to sort this all out. The best thing I could really say was that this felt different, and if I’d learned anything in my life it was to listen to your gut.
Ray was a dangerous man.
He wasn’t the kind of man you questioned or messed with.
At least not if you wanted to stay alive.
And what was that about some FBI agent? I’d heard it even if I didn’t know what he was talking about at first. The guy was dead and I knew, just knew, that Ray didn’t have any regrets about killing him.
Needless to say, my head was a mess. How could I accept one group for the things they did but feel such uncertainty with Ray?
The one thing I did know was that this wasn’t going to work out. He might have cared about me, he might have even loved me, but this was not the future I saw for myself. This wasn’t the kind of life I wanted to raise kids in. That had been part of the reason I’d left the motorcycle club. A fresh start and a life without that dangerous edge. A life where I didn’t feel like I had to look over my shoulder.
With a sigh, I buried myself further down in the blankets. I wanted to fade away and escape this newfound knowledge that I’d been slapped in the face with. Yeah, I realized that was dumb, but just for a moment, I wanted to believe that I still had something good.
Eventually, I heard the water cut off and I prepared myself for him to enter the bedroom.
I could picture him in my mind as he moved around the room. I knew how he dried his balls with three rough rubs of the towel before he reached for his underwear. I knew how he took that same towel and ran it over his hair with the same vigor that he did his balls. The towel hit the bed and I saw it floating through the air in my mind. I didn’t jump because I predicted the movement. The sound of his nice slacks filled the air as they zipped up his legs. Then his shirt, every button done with perfection, starting from the bottom up.
I felt the bed dip behind me but I didn’t turn around. I wasn’t playing asleep, I just didn’t know what to say to him right now. His hand on my shoulder made me cringe but I held it inside.
“I’m sorry,” he said and that tone held the tenderness that I had come to know well.
I wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for the fact that I was in pain from my head or from my heart-shattering. Okay, the last part he really didn’t have any clue about since I was doing my best to hide it and everything. I still wasn’t sure if he believed me when I played dumb. That was maybe the most dangerous thing right now.
I said nothing and continued to feign sleep.
Luckily a few moments later, I felt the bed shift as it lost his weight and then the door softly closed.
My eyes opened and I let out a long breath as I saw I was alone.
If I hadn’t come home early, I might not have ever known. I couldn’t fathom that. There had to be something I was overlooking. Some kind of clue that I missed. I’d been sleeping with this man for months now. I’d been living with him, working at his establishment. It baffled me that I’d been clueless.
My eyes closed once again but I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I had to play along until I saw an opening because there wasn’t even a decision to make here. I had to go. With as much as he traveled I didn’t think it would take long for me to have the opportunity to slip out. That was almost enough to start breathing again. I just had to make sure I didn’t take him off-guard again or say the wrong thing. I would be walking around on eggshells until I could escape. It was a small price to pay, I guessed.
As long as I got away with my life.
Because I wasn’t ready for it all to be over yet.
I still had hope that there was a happy ending out there for me.
This morning, I had woken up feeling like things were turning around for me. That I’d found my happy.
I should have known it was all wrong.
After all, you know what they say, if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.
-7-
Jessica
The next morning I woke to an empty bed. For the first time since I’d moved in with Ray, I was happy about that.
My head still throbbed with a dull pain that was more annoying than anything. I didn’t need to look in the mirror to know that my eyes were bloodshot. They felt like sandpaper every time I blinked. A sickening remembrance to what had happened the day before and the reasons I’d barely slept.
Last night he had gone out and picked up dinner like any other night. We ate at the table like it was a normal meal we shared. But it wasn’t, and I hoped I was the only one that knew that.
