“Say you'll give me another chance.”
She sighs and shakes her head, her shoulders droop. “I can’t. Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through? I fell for you harder than I ever thought I could fall for anyone - I would do anything for you - but this is asking too much. You broke my heart - you brokeme. And now you're here telling me you made a mistake. These past few days have been the worst of my life, right up there with losing my mum.”
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Soph. I love you. I do. I love you so fucking much that you can't even possibly imagine how much. I would move the earth for you if you asked me to. I’ll do anything to make this right - show you that it won't happen again. These last few days, I’ve had everyone tell me what an idiot I am, tell me how screwed up I am - truth is, the only person I wanted to speak to was my Blue. So here I am.”
“I don't know what to do with this. I can't trust you again. I know you have issues, babe, believe me, but how do I just forget it all? Because I know why you’ve done it doesn’t mean it’s okay.”
I wince at her words. That hurts me more than she could know, trust is one thing she can be confident of.
“Give me a chance. Let me prove it to you - prove that you can trust me.”
She stares at me for so long I don't know what’s going on in her head. I wish I knew. Perhaps this isn't the right time to lay all this on her - she has been crying. She’s emotional.
She still hasn't spoken, so I talk. “Maybe this isn't a good time to talk to you about this. You're upset.”
I step towards her, and she freezes. “Don't touch me, Dec. I can't think straight if you touch me.”
Well, that gives me hope. She still reacts to me, whether she wants to or not. I stop in my tracks, not wanting to push it any further.
“You need to give me time, give me some time to get my head around all this. I don't know what to do. Do you have any idea how scary it was being trapped in that building? I was terrified, and the one person I wanted wasn't there for me, the one person I thought I could depend on.”
I nod. “You asked me to get Eli first, and I know, of course, I know it was the right thing to do, but I was powerless. I had to walk out of that building, knowing I was leaving you behind. I felt like it was all happening all over again. You get that, right?”
She nods. “I do. I’ve always felt like I got you and made allowances when I needed to, but I don't know if I can forgive that. You put your fear...your grief...over me.”
My heart sinks when I realise that this isn't going to go the way I hoped it would. I think the best thing I can hope for at the minute is if she doesn't give me a straight-out no.
“I get it, I keep thinking if I were in your shoes, what I would feel, and it sucks...I suck.”
“I . . . I need time Dec. My head is so screwed up right now. I don't know which way is up.”
I nod. “We have this joint stag and hen thing in a couple of weeks; why don't I give you breathing space until then? Maybe see how you feel that weekend, we can spend time together - when things aren't so raw.”
She nods. “I can do that, but no pressure, yeah?” She gives me a small smile.
“No pressure, Blue, I promise. I just want you to see that I'm not going anywhere.”
I give her a sad smile and open the door to leave. I turn around before I go. “I love you, Sophie. I'm sorry - but know this - I will fucking love you until the day I die.”
It takes everything in me not to touch her as I leave. My body demands physical contact with her, and I have to resist with everything I have in me.
I walk out of the door.
