“Well, let me tell you what I think is safe to say, and then you can ask me if I don’t cover something, yeah?”
I listen as he explains how he ended up joining the ATF after the army. He tells me about some of his other undercover work, especially the one about working with incels. It’s horrific, and yet there are moments when he makes me smile. He’s a natural storyteller. He tells me about his father, the malevolent preacher, and how he has nothing to do with his parents.
I say, “Your story makes me feel my parents aren’t quite as bad as I imagined. Everything Dad said was from a place of fear. I feel like I should perhaps try to be a little more understanding of that.”
Saint throws his arm over my shoulder. “You’re taking this very well. I’m worried it’s too well. And next time I go out, you’re going to pack up all your shit and leave.”
“I guess I had a feeling something was wrong. I don’t know. A spidey sense. Hap picked up on it too and was worried about me.”
“He’s a smart guy. You wanna hear the rest of it?”
I nod.
“With the other undercover work I’ve done, the bad guys have been crystal clear. But with the Outlaws, it’s been different. When I first signed up for this, I thought it was going to be easy. It’s a lot harder to get into a motorcycle club than those other gangs. MCs are rigorous in their requirements and paranoid as fuck. You have to be recommended by someone. And then you move into being a hang-around. Then you become a prospect, which means you’re basically a lackey to the club. You have to pretty much do whatever a patched-in member tells you. It’s like frat boy hazing on a well-armed level. And if you pass all that, you become a fully patched-in member of the club. But someone has to nominate you.”
“Who nominated you?” I ask.
“King. The president.” Saint goes quiet again, and his shoulders sag. “I guess in a different life, I want to be a part of their organization for real. I believe in a lot of what they believe in. I’m fed up with living my life on everyone else’s terms. Living by rules someone else decided and dictated. I love being on my bike. I love the camaraderie of the brotherhood. I love that there are consequences. What I came here to put a stop to, I feel like I’ve found a home in. I can’t explain it any clearer than that.”
“I’m guessing that’s an impossibility given how you ended up there.”
His fingers stroke up and down my arm. “I’m losing my edge on both fronts. I’m half out of the ATF, so I’m not bringing them what they need. And I’m half out of the Iron Outlaws because I could never be fully in. I’ve lost my place in the world, and it feels really fucking weird, Bri.”
“I’m not surprised that this is the truth of who you are. There is such an element of trust about you.”
He kisses the top of my head. “Because of all this, I really think the safest place for you might be back in Gary, Indiana, with your parents. Just while everything comes to a head. You don’t want to be back in New York, and I’d hate for you to see Cillian again.”
I laugh. “New York has like eight or nine million people living in it. The chances of me ever seeing Cillian again are slight. Plus, he probably won’t even remember me.”
Saint turns to face me and puts his hands on my biceps. “Cillian didn’t become the head of an Irish crime family by forgetting about shit. He talked about rats in an organization. He’s paranoid. He wants to know why you are mixed up with the club. He squirrels kernels of information away and stores them until they can do the harm. Plus, you and I both know you are never going back to your apartment, right?”
I do. “I emailed my landlord and asked if I could sublet it.”
“And if he won’t let you, I can pay it off for you. I have money of my own and access to cash through this.”
I shake my head. “First, I can’t allow you to use illegal money to cover my ass, and second, this is my problem, not yours. I’ll fix it.”
Saint looks at the yellow chrysanthemum for a moment. “Is there room for a we in there?”
“A what?”
“Awe. You and me. I need to know if there’s a we before I say anymore.”
“I certainly hope so. But there won’t be if you pack me off to Gary, Indiana, and face everything happening here alone.”
“It’s not safe here.” There’s a hint of annoyance in his tone.
I’m about to match it. “It’s whereyouare. What are we going to do in the future? If you stay in the ATF and go undercover for years, am I to stay away then? Or let’s say you manage to find a way to leave the ATF and have the Iron Outlaws accept you wholeheartedly. I’m guessing that wouldn’t always be safe either, would it? And you forget, I’ve already survived worse than what has happened to you. I know what the worst case looks like, Ryker. And I want to face it with you!”
By the time I’m done, my voice is loud.
Saint looks over the fence in the direction of Hap before he places a finger over my lips. “We should stick to indoor voices,” he says softly. But there’s a look of admiration on his face that I haven’t seen before.
He says, “When I’ve defused bombs or been undercover, I’ve always felt alone. Even though there was a bigger team backing me up. But you and me, it feels like a team.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve seemed less than all in. I have a history of falling head over heels too quickly. I’m scared I’m doing the same here.”
“Then let me fall first, Briar. I can catch you when it’s your turn.”
