I sighed. Buzzkill. ‘I know but we can’t worry about that now.’ I nibbled my bottom lip. ‘I’ve got a promise I need to keep.’
He gazed at me quizzically but I didn’t elaborate. Instead I shooed them all out of the cabin before calling on Bob. The genie emerged in his usual flash of blinding light. He had a deliberately casual expression on his face and a shiny gold medal round his neck. I ignored both.
‘Well,’ I said, ‘I promised you a gold bikini.’
Bob frowned and leaned in. ‘What colour?’
‘Gold,’ I replied flatly.
He cupped his hand to his ear. ‘Pardon?’
‘If you don’t want me to…’
‘No, I do! I do! I just wanted to highlight what a pretty colour gold is. It’s the colour for winners, you know, Uh Integrity.’ He held up his medal.
‘So I hear. Can we get this over with before the others get bored and come back?’ Bob grinned and pointed to the medal. I sighed. ‘What?’
‘Medal. Gold.’
‘I see that.’
He beamed. ‘You know why I’m wearing it?’
‘Why don’t you just tell me?’
‘Because, Uh Integrity, I am a winner.’ He leaned forward and enunciated carefully. ‘Winner.’
I clearly wasn’t going to get anywhere until I played along. ‘What have you won, Bob?’
He pouted. ‘Isn’t it obvious? I have won the hearts and minds of the Sidhe. After all, I rescued them from certain death.’
‘You told the stupid ones to stop taking the long way across the frozen loch,’ I said. ‘And, I might add, at my behest.’
‘But,’ he said dramatically, ‘now everyone knows who I am. Forget Robert the Bruce. I am Bob the Brave!’
I wondered how bad things would get if I told him that no one had been interested in his name. ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘you did very well.’ I paused. ‘Who gave you the medal?’
He puffed out his chest. ‘I gave it to myself. It’s a shame you didn’t come to the medal ceremony. It was quite something.’
‘I’m sorry I missed it,’ I said drily.
‘You bet you are!’ He continued to admire the medal.
‘Bob?’
‘Call me Sir Bob. You’re my friend, after all.’
I counted to ten in my head. ‘Sir Bob. A promise is a promise and…’
‘And you promised me gold bikinis and ear-muff hair.’
‘Gold bikini singular. But yes.’ I gazed at him meaningfully. ‘I don’t of course own a gold bikini…’
‘That’s not a problem, Uh Integrity. Let Sir Bob perform his magic for you.’ He magicked up a tape measure from nowhere and held it up, squinting. ‘Say the magic word,’ he intoned.
Heavens above. ‘Please.’
Bob tsked. ‘Don’t be silly. Abracadabra.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Uh Integrity…’ He wagged his finger.
