Angry didn’t begin to cover it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d turned green and ripped her way out of her sodden wedding dress.
‘Aifric,’ she said, spitting the name out with disgust. ‘He’s not dead.’
‘No.’
‘I want to kill him. Slowly.’
Bob began to applaud. ‘Yes! You go, girl!’
Before I could say anything, Tipsania moved up until she was inches from my face. ‘Do you know what he said to me? He said that if I didn’t marry Byron, he would drag me to the altar himself and marry me.Hewould marry me! The nerve of the man!’ I opened my mouth but she still wasn’t finished. ‘As if I would tie myself to someone like him! And look!’ She grabbed my head and forced it down. ‘Look at what I’m wearing! It’s a monstrosity. Bows!’ she spat. ‘Nobody wears bows! I look like Cinderella. I’m not some servant playing dress up!’
Candy held up his hand like a wary school kid. ‘I think you look pretty.’
She paused for a moment. ‘You always think that! That’s not the point! My wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Now it’s ruined!’
I was confused. ‘You wanted to get married?’
‘You don’t understand anything!’
‘Tipsania,’ I said reasonably, ‘Aifric can’t touch you now. We’re well away from him. You don’t have to worry.’
She scowled at me ferociously. ‘There’s only one thing that will stop me worrying.’ She stomped over to Candy. He looked rather frightened and I wasn’t surprised. ‘I want you to know,’ she said, ‘that I am not doing this just to take myself off the market and stop Aifric from forcing me into marriage with him or Byron or anyone else who comes along. I’m doing this because I love you. Got that?’ The words flew out of her at a tremendous pace. She swallowed, smoothed her billowing dress down and forced herself to relax. Then she got down on one knee. ‘Candy Carmichael. Will you marry me? If you don’t say yes, I will cut off your bloody—’
‘Yes.’
She blinked. ‘Pardon?’
‘Yes. I will marry you.’
‘Well, that’s alright then. I don’t want this horrific excuse for a wedding dress to go to waste.’ She clambered awkwardly to her feet and began kissing Candy. There was a lot of tongue action. Trying not to look at the way she was attacking his mouth, I coughed. ‘Congratulations. But, er, we don’t have a minister on board. You can’t get married.’
Tipsania broke away and gazed at me scornfully. ‘Idiot. How long do you think I’ve been planning my own wedding?’ Apparently it was a rhetorical question because I wasn’t given chance to reply. ‘Since I was six years old! A ship’s captain can marry someone.’
‘She’s right,’ Angus said, butting in with a cheesy grin. Byron flashed him a glare but he didn’t seem to notice.
‘Who’s the captain?’ I asked. ‘It’s not me. I don’t know anything about boats.’
Fergus pointed at Brochan. ‘He’s a merman. He should be captain.’
‘Piss off.’
I thought about it. ‘Sorley is the one who commandeered this ferry. Him and all the trolls. I guess that makes him captain.’
Tipsania paused for a moment. ‘I’m to be married by a troll?’
I shrugged.
‘Whatever. Let’s get on with it.’
Candy beamed at her. ‘I can’t wait.’
‘I love you,’ she breathed. They began kissing again.
‘True love,’ I muttered. ‘Oh well. I guess we’re going to a wedding after all.’
***
The trolls worked quickly. They cleared out the canteen area and arranged themselves and us in formation. Someone managed to rustle up some cans of Irn Bru for a post-ceremony toast although we had to share them. I reckoned I got a thimbleful.
