Like tonight.
She grabbed her phone and stuffed it in her pocket, frustrated in herself. One reason she adored CJ so much was because he never judged her. Yet fear of rejection and memories of the humiliation she suffered at the hands of her father, Eric, Billy, and Wally haunted her. Even though there’d been nothing sexual in Daddy’s degradation, somehow she felt it more keenly. She’d disappointed him, so he made her feel like a disappointment.
“I have to go, cousin,” she said breezily.
CJ smiled gently and got to his feet, hugging her tightly. Releasing her, he tweaked her ponytail.
“Thank you for hanging out with me. We need to do it more often.”
“Rory would lock me in the fucking storage shed,” she said, laughing. “He’s so annoyed that I came without him.”
“Fuck him, Matt,” CJ said, snickering. “He spent most of the goddamn day with me.”
“That asshole! Laying a guilt trip on me.”
“Just let me know. I’ll deal with him if he fucks with you.”
“Is that offer only available in this instance or for anything?”
“For everything.”
She held out her hand. “Deal,” she said happily.
“Deal, bae,” he said, shaking to seal it.
Thank you for always being in my cornerswirled around in her head, slipped to the tip of her tongue and rolled down her throat again.
“It’s all good, Mattie,” CJ swore, somehow as perceptive as Uncle Christopher. “We’re cousins first and foremost but we’re friends, and I’ve always enjoyed spending time with you.” He kissed her cheek. “I’m so fucking happy to be alive and I was so scared. I thought I would die.”
“How many times have you said that over the past several days?”
“To our aunts. To Lolly. To our uncles. To my brothers. To Rebel, my father, my mother. To the Riggs brothers. To my teachers. To my friends on the team.”
“Everybody then. Too many to count.”
He nodded. “Except your dad, Ryan, Aunt Bailey, and Harley.” He sighed. “And Bishop. They’re hiding. Diesel told me where they’re at. One reason I barely leave my room. I’m trying to figure out how to get them off the hook.”
Mattie frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Mom and Dad won’t stray far until I’m completely better. If I start acting normal, Dad’ll probably realize all the places he didn’t look. Then that’s their fucking asses.”
“Diesel knows.”
“Diesel swears he won’t hurt them.”
“You believe him?”
“Not really, but there’s not much else I can do.”
“Uncle Mort might be able to help you.”
CJ thought for a moment. “You’re right. If he does, I’dhaveto leave my room.”
“You don’t want to?” Mattie asked, confused.
“I don’t know what I want,” CJ confessed. “I always thought I was accepted because I was Outlaw’s son. But they just pretended. When I go back to the club…” His voice trailed off and he shrugged.
“Don’t try to be the son of Outlaw,” Mattie advised. “BeCJ. Make them see you. Finish high school. Carve out your own name.”
