"I know, I know. I will. I'm just nervous about what will come of it."
The hours flew by, and it was now almost time to clock out. Knowing this is usually when I have my best conversations with Mr. Earl, my heart stings a little, so I decide to call the hospital to check in on him.
After a long hold, his nurse, Priscilla, who used to work here with us but now works at the nearest hospital's emergency room, finally comes on the line.
"Hi Via, I'm sorry about the hold. It's swamped in here."
"Don't apologize; it's okay. I was calling to check on the patient we transferred over last night, Mr. Earl Jacobs. Can you provide an update on his status?"
There's a brief pause on the line: "I haven't gotten a chance to call your charge nurse and update her yet. Like I said, I was so busy last night. We did try reaching out to his next of kin, but there was no answer." Another pause: "I know what he means to you, but I'm sorry. He didn't make it."
The phone falls out of my hand, and my breath hitches to a halt as I let out a barely audible gasp, covering my hands over my mouth to bury the noise. Within seconds, my vision goes blurry, my head feels light, and my chest tightens.
I instantly clasp to the calming techniques Dr. Carr always tries to force down my throat.
Deep breath. Inhale, Four, three, two, and one. Exhale.
Focus on an object and point out everything you notice about it.
Binder. Blue. Large. Heavy.
Deep breath. Inhale, four, three, two and one. Exhale.
Tap your index fingers to your thumbs ten times while holding your breath.
Inhale. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Exhale.
Deep breath. Inhale, four, three, two and one. Exhale.
I pick the receiver back up. "Thanks, Priscilla; I will notify Cindy, who's taking over for charge right now." I hang up without a second thought.
I make my way over to the time clock, clock out, and then head to Cindy's office to tell her the news.
I knock on the open door. She's currently getting a report from Julie, our night-time charge nurse.
"I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm out for the day. I just wanted to let you all know that I checked in with the ER for Mr. Earl Jacobs, and he passed away. Priscilla asked that I pass the news on as she hasn't had a chance to call yet." Before speaking any other words, I turned on my heels and left. I am passing Dessa, who runs to the time clock and follows me, calling my name.
"Via! V, wait up!"
I wave behind me without stopping. "I'm okay, Des; I just need to clear my head."
I make it to my car, unlock it, and jump in. Once the car door closes, I can't hold back anymore— I let out a scream and unleash my fury on my steering wheel.
Maybe this job isn't for me like I thought it was. I'm not supposed to take deaththishard, but how can I not?
I pull out my phone and dial the one number I hate the most. Mainly, I hate admitting that I can't handle everything on my own, and I feel like taking this avenue is inadvertently an admission of precisely that.
Ring. Ring. Ring
"This is Dr. Carr," her voice comes over the receiver softly, raspy, and barely audible. She must have been asleep. Shit. It's only six thirty in the morning. Of course, she was sleeping.
"Dr. Carr, it's Via Foley. I'm so sorry to have awaken you, I didn't realize the time—"
"Via, it doesn't matter the time. That's why I gave you my personal number. I'm glad you called. How can I help?"
I pause. I hadn't thought this through.
"I don't know." I'm so damn rude; I wake her from her sleep and then ask how she can help, and all I can give her is a stupidI don't know.
