I am so tired of living in fear and playing it safe. I am tired of surviving but never truly living. I'm fed up with making decisions that I think are in the best interest of everyone, that leave me feeling nothing but empty. They're all shit, anyhow.
All of my decisions concerning Ander have been to protect him. I knew what Liam was capable of. He proved that, but what can he do now? I shudder at the thought and push it away.
Fuck Liam, and fuck fear.I am going to do it scared.
Before I have time to think it over, I pick up my phone again and text his number.
Via: "If you're free today and don't completely hate me- I'd like you to come over to talk. Or we can meet somewhere."
I hit send before my anxiety had a chance to convince me to erase it. Before I can set the phone down, it buzzes in my hand.
Ander:"I can be there in about 20 minutes. Is that too soon for you?"
Via:"That works."
Ander:"See you then."
"See you then" is all he says, and that's all he needed to say to send my heartbeat racing. I shriek as I pass the mirror and glimpse at my reflection.
Shit, she scares me.
The bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and letting the tears win are terrifying. I'm not one for much makeup, and I never really care to make much effort, as I typically like how I look without it. Call me a minimalist. Today is not one of those days. Idon't apply much, but just enough to make me look and feel like I didn't just resurrect from the dead.
Time flies by as I take some form of control of my appearance. Before I know it, a loud truck pulls down the driveway. I'm frozen in place for a second, considering my decision and what comes next. Fear starts to bubble up in my throat, and my heart races like a wild animal escaping captivity, but I take a deep breath and ignore it all. I can't deny there's also a giddy feeling, and I hold onto that one. The one that I have no business feeling, butI do.
It's time to feel.
It's my turn to be careless.
Chapter twenty
Via
Iopen the door to find Anders' handsome body filling the door frame.
Seeing him initially was a lot to take in. He really isn't a boy anymore. Nothing about the man before me is boyish.
Seeing him in the light of day gives me a new appreciation for the male form. I take my time taking in the sight of him. Oh, how my eyes have missed being graced with his presence, which, there's no denying, has gotten even better over time.
Ander has always been a bigger guy. Stocky. He's not overly muscular like a bodybuilder, but he's always been defined but not necessarily chiseled. His frame and height alone are attractive, but then there's that face. It's hard to see his perfect jawline now with his newfound manly-looking facial hair, but I love it. I've never had a thing for beards, but on him, it's perfect. He has this rough and tough southern look about him, and his baseball cap only amplifies that.
I can't help but softly bite down on my lip as I soak him in.
As if he could read my mind, he lets out a small chuckle with the same soft, sly smile he's always had for me. I feel my cheeks blush instantly. I take a step back, open the door wider, and motion my hand towards my kitchen.
"Come on in," I say as I turn to walk in further, expecting Ander to follow behind me.
I'm stopped short.
As I turned away from him, I could hear him push off the door frame where he was standing, and then I could hear a quick shuffle of his feet. Before I know it, his hands are gently grazing over my hips, and I'm currently stuck in place. My feet are rooted here now.
He doesn't do anything else right away. Out of instinct, as an instant reaction, my head softly falls and rolls back as I shut my eyes, take in his touch, and revel in it.
I asked him to come here for a conversation and apologize for everything. I wanted another opportunity to get to know him and who he is now. His touch shouldn't still do this to me after so long without it. It's as if my body has longed for him just as my heart and mind have.
There have been a few men in the years in between. None that I've dated or actually gave any of myself to. The few that I've been with were all just a way to get a sexual release, but none of them have made me feel anything. It's especially nothing compared to what I'm feeling right now with just the simple touch of Ander's hands on me. The things this man does to me are indescribable.
He slowly closes the small gap between us, and his hands move from the curve of my hips and wrap around my waist, pulling me into him tightly. My head falls even further backward, landing on his shoulder. I can feel his cool breath brush past my hair and fall onto my neck, right below my ear.
